we're down to having sex 3 times a month.

Let me start off by saying we started our relationship with a very healthy, very active sex life. I moved in with him six months ago. It started off exactly as i expected-good or great sex almost every night. At least every other with very little exception.

The last two months, however, have been the total opposite. He started to become more distant(sexually), gradually for a while, then very suddenly. Three times, i got to get that close to my man last month...twice so far this month. This kills me. I'm biting my... tongue, for lack of a better word...i have a very active sex drive.

In all fairness...i know how hard he works. He puts in 13 hour shifts nearly every day, 5 days a week. But he and i don't even sleep next to each other. He started sleeping out on the couch more iften than not, which turned into every night, which caused me to also start sleeping in the living room...damn it i just want to be by him. I miss my man.

I guess I'm in deeper than i thought. There's too much backstory to catch you up in one thread.
Last month, when i brought our dying sex life, he said he just didnt have any sex drive anymore. I'm 20 and he's 27. I always keep our place clean, i cook for him, i take care of the baby, I'm working 32 hours a week overnights so i barely get any sleep at all considering i get home at the time he has to leave for work, so i come home to a waking baby...
Ugh.
This life is painful.
I literally just want my man to want me too.

 

I'm concerned about him sleeping on the couch, why did that start happening?

 

I honestly don't think a public sex forum is the place to get accurate answers.

There are far better, more professional alternatives.

 

I just recently went through something similar to this. Please please please, talk to him about it. Bring it up when the baby is already in bed, and you have time to really talk it out.As a warning, if he shuts down, be persistent. Don't let him blow you off, and really get him to discuss it. Try to plan things you like to do together. One suggested is to get an overnight sitter, and have a special date night. Either way, I know how you feel, and I sincerely hope you two make it through this.

 

And there it is

 

I would send him dirty messages throughout the day, and get it on his mind. Then flirt with him when he's around the house. Wear sexy looking things, make sure you look attractive (I know it's tough with a baby because a lot of women get too worn out to take care of themselves). Put on some short shorts and a tank top, go sit next to him and flirt.. touch him, lean over him for the remote, ask him if he's hungry, take care of him a bit, and then when you kiss rub your tits from side to side on his chest a little lol and make little moans to put the idea in his head. That stuff usually works. Just saying!

 

So, why does he work so much? Don't tell me that he absolutely needs to. But if you prioritise having sports cars over a healthy life then that's what you get.

 

It's nice that you make enough to pay the bills without working overtime or multiple jobs, but unfortunately it is not possible for some people.

 

The trick is to prioritise paying your essential bills before worrying about purchasing expensive gadgets to try and raise your status in the eyes of the superficial society, which is quite widespread in America from what I've seen.

 

You have no idea if this is even their issue. Stop babbling.

 

Of course I don't. But it's abundantly clear that high workload is killing this man's sex drive and relationship, and American society puts huge pressure on people to do just that. Only the Japanese are worse in that aspect.

 

Thats not necessarily true. They might have other issues, especially with a new baby in the house. Some men get subconsciously jealous over new babies taking attention, some are even jealous of women breastfeeding! Some don't find pregnant women, or their wives attractive postpartum (after the baby is born). There are so many issues that could be plaguing them besides his work load and I'd rather find out from her before going off on a tangent / assumption.

 

hm, sorry to hear it's been tricky.

Do you both still get on ok? The fact he sleeps in the living room is concerning...

Talking and getting things out in the open is usually a great approach, I find

 

Okay, i knew i would need to give a little more insight. I just needed you all to motivate me and ask the right questions before i knew what to say without saying too much

Waaaay back story...
I met him in January 2012. My baby turned a year old on October 16 this year. What does that tell you? Yes, i got pregnant the very first time i slept with him. Which, extraordinarily enough, i even attempted to resist. I didnt wanna sleep with him that quickly-i never intended to move so fadt withhim. I wont go into detail about that night other than, yes, we had sex. And, yes, it was fucking amazing. So i find out I'm pregnant on February 22nd. By that time i was seeing him nearly every day-i would go see him after work no matter how late and eventually ended up staying there very often. We loved each other's company. We have the same birthday...pretty neat, huh?
Our very new, just developing relationship, felt so natural. It was awesome. He'd wrap his arms around me and tell me i was all his. Then after a minute asked if that was okay-as if i could say no.

Then i had to break the news.
That didnt go over so well.

I'm about to get very, very personal here please do not judge. Everything i am explaining here is exactly as it happened.
I'll try to make this quick. At the time i was living with my mother, her new husband, and his son(who was an ex-boyfriend from before our parents met). This is very hard, forcing myself to write this next part. I am rehashing many painful memories. I beg you, please do not judge. My ex was an insanely jealous person, and-i don't know how else to put this other than bluntly-once my boyfriend and i were getting close, there was a night that he (my ex) forced himself on me. He had done that once in the past, too.

SO.
i wanted to be up-front and tell my boyfriend what happened right then, considering the pregnancy... Mind you, that night with the ex happened very shortly before (I'm talking 2 days tops) my boyfriend and i decided we wanted a stronger relationship. So i told him, he was livid the whole night--but at me. I won't say all the insults he threw my way. He wasn't the guy i liked at all. From that day on he was cold, rude, hurtful, controlling. He insisted i move in with him. I wasn't doing all that.
I ended up convincing him to come to my first appt. Which confirmed the pregnancy and approximate gestation. 6 weeks on march 1st... he didnt understand how weeks in pregnancy ar calculated back 2 weeks from the actual date of conception...and he would not listen to the doctor. He insisted there was no way she was his, and he continued to accuse me of cheating on him with my ex. I don't remember how exactly it stopped...but it did.

We had no contact throughout the pregnancy. Minus one short string of messages on the fourth of july. Or around then. He wanted me to let him know when my baby was born because he could not allow hinself to be a deadbeat dad.
My ex moved out of state...my amazing loving stepfather left for mexico...i had my mother in the delivery room...she was the only person who was always there. She played father. She felt every joy, came to every appointment, felt her kick at her hands when she'd touch her...
No one but my mother and her friends came when she was born.

I hate dragging this out so long. I promise I'm hurrying.

I proved through blood type that she was his child. He was instantly interested in her, wanted pictures, her name, birthday. He was even able to tolerate talking with me. He wanted to meet her, and he told all his family. His dad is the one who suggested we patch things up.
Didn't want to admit it, but i missed him, and that intense euphoric burning sensation i'd get in my chest when I'd be near him or think too much about him.

So we slowly tried to build our relationship, with our child, on what wasn't even a good foundation to begin with. But we still progressed and have come a long way. I remember the first "i love you..." er, rather, "i think i might love you." Yeah, that's what he said. At a Clutch show in Nashville. I was terrified then, but now it's all i want.

I'm gonna pause here and go look through the responses again to give some more insight into the current situation.

 

The messages? I've done it. Even pictures. Flirting? We still flirt. Silly, but that's just how we do it. The problem is that nothing ever comes of it. And as for keeping nyself up...trust me, I'm far too focused to let that slip. I've lost 92lbs since having this baby, i clean myself up daily like any classy woman would try to. I'll pull out a deep plunging neckline here and there, pushup bra and all. And I'M even confident enough to know the girls look good like that i sit next to him, lean on him, hug him,lean over him when any reasonable opportunity arises...i ask him daily if he'd like me to cook. Often, I'll surprise him with it when he gets home. Regardless of whether I've slept that day or am working that night. The cooking, and the cleaning...that's me. And it's routine. His home is always clean to come home to. I offer to rub his feet, cook for him, ANYTHING you could imagine. I've tried literally every single thing that any person has mentioned on here thus far, honest to goodness, minus the shimmy tits on his chest! Lol!
In all fairness...we don't kiss very often anymore, either. Goodbye kisses, yes. Very quick...but other than that...very, very seldom.
I miss that even more than the sex.

 

AHEM, he absolutely needs to. He is a salaried kitchen manager at a very reputable restaurant with a dream of a career, and tons of debt from student loans.

Next time, try not to sound so asshole-ish. Your latest response got your point across much better. It also didn't make you out to be some presumptuous, arrogant dickhead.
I can assure you, there are no sports cars here. Infact, i don't even have a vehicle because mine got repossessed during my pregnancy once i was no longer able to afford the payments due to hours being cut at work, and my 120mi DAILY commute.
I use his car after he gets home to drive 5 miles to my 9pm to 6am job, and come home to our 2 bedroom apartment, which we share with not only our child, but a roommate, as well.
Is that the luxury you expected to hear of?
Has this put thibgs into perspective for you?

 

Yes, many times I've tried to talk to him about it. Just when i start to relax because i got it all off mychest, he's absurdly offended. "I'm sorry I'm not man enough for you." "I know. I'm a shitty bf. Sorry." Or "I'm sorry i don't have the energy to just come home and fuck you whenever you want. I guess I'm not enough."
Yeah. That was fun.

 

The reason for sleeping on the couch is an ancient, uncomfortable mattress. I say mattress because there is no frame.

 

My man says stuff like that sometimes. Especially when I'm bringing the heat and he knows he's wrong. The important thing to do when he guilt trips you like that is not let him have the last word. What I mean is, if he says "I'm sorry I'm not man enough for you" I would respond with "You are man enough, thats why I want you so much and care". Him: "I'm sorry I don't have the energy to just come home and fuck you whenever you want." I would say,"then let me fuck you" turn up the sweet voice and get nasty with it. You seem like a smart girl so you may have already tried these things.

Although, there are times when I just can't get thru to my fiancé and the only thing I can do is say "ok then, you do you and have it your way" and I just walk away. I'll leave the house, I won't call or give him an idea of where I'm going. You would be so surprised how fast the fire is lit under him, and the lengths he will go just to talk it out. A man has to know there are some kind of consequences to problems, otherwise they have no incentive to fix them as long as their basic needs are being met. With a baby that might be more difficult, but if your mother is nearby (and your stepbrother doesn't live there) then that's one place you might be able to go just to have a cooling period. He might realize that you provide for him, which is a very intimate thing imo. I know my man dislikes the idea of me even cooking for another guy, so when I cook for him he sees it as me treating him well. I guarantee that your man would miss the house upkeep and meals after a day or two.

Also, you want to feel loved and desired. But because you live together, it may be difficult for that dynamic to exist at times. How / why should he chase or pursue you when he has it right there and knows you will be at home? He won't need to. Not being available has a reaaaaaaally powerful effect. I do this a few ways, I'm not always available to lend an ear. I also don't always show interest in everything he's saying. Now, I'm not rude about it or anything but I say oh yeah thats nice and then get busy with MY things. This leaves him seeing that I have more going on in my life and that in order to get my attention he needs to make it meaningful when we are together. Make him a little less comfortable so that he needs to work for the attention he obviously likes (otherwise why would he still be with you? Answer: if he didn't like it, he wouldn't be haha). And be sure to reward him if he gives you the attention you want. Not to sound degrading, but you need to "train" him to give you what you want.

The most important thing is don't give up, if it means something to you keep trying. It sounds like he really loves you, and has just been really deeply hurt by the incident with you and your stepbrother. Emotions aren't rational. You have to iron that out and be really patient with him on it.

 

Nope. Nope. Nope.

This guy sounds like a tool.

He's all wishy washy about wanting to be a father. Gets mad and jealous that you were raped and won't even try to put the sex on you.

Why do you even want this guy?