weathering the setbacks

It's been an emotional day for me... I fell in love and when you fall in love you become vulnerable, and you take the risk of a broken heart that comes with it.

In the Fall of 2020 I met a man when I least expected it. I met him on Adam4 Adam. I didn't expect it to become any different than a majority of men I've texted there. We chatted, but from the start it seemed different to me. I met him and it seemed that we both just clicked really well.
That fall we began to see each other regularly - with the pandemic well under way we were taking advantage of the freedom we had at that time and bucked the system which said to isolate - instead of isolating, we began meeting.
We did what most A4A meet-ups do - but we also had conversations and we had a definite connection.
This went on for almost a year when things sort of blew up in our faces one day.
There were complications in this relationship and one of us was more willing to work through these issues. One of us was very reluctant.
When things came to a head - unexpectedly - instead of supporting one another, one of us felt it was better to end things and retreat and return to whatever we had before we met.
I had come to far to retreat. He was too stunned and frightened to move forward.
When we needed each other the most, we were not there to give each other what we needed to get through it.

Since then, there have been moments of communication. Checking in. and a couple times there has been discussion of getting back together. But, every time we made plans to see one another, he cancelled. He was too frozen to make a move.
In case you hadn't guessed it - he was still in the closet. And he was deathly afraid of coming out.

We had remained friends on Facebook through all of this. Somewhere along the way, recently, he unfriended me and blocked me. And I hadn't noticed. On his birthday, a couple weeks ago, the day before, I sent him an email - and it was sappy and foolish - but he responded favorably.
He thanked me - we told each other we still love each other but I assumed that was it. He had made his choices and I had made mine.

Coincidentally, I happened to notice just last night that I was not able to find him on Facebook. And ironically, about 3 hours later, he texted me - and I asked him then if he had blocked me - he confessed that he had and he was trying to get over me - but my email on his birthday showed him that he could not get over me, and could we please try again - and he wanted to work on coming out, and he wanted to start meeting my friends and going out and figuring out how he felt about coming out...
I was stunned, but I also quickly agreed to meet him tomorrow and talk about it,
I immediately felt chaos rising up. I was torn. The peace I had been feeling before he texted me was draining quickly. But still... I knew how badly I wanted more than what I had since him - which was just casual sex with others - but no real relationship, no real affection or growing feelings for anyone since him. He was a hard act to follow. I measured every man by him and they didn't measure up. So as crazy as this felt, and as hard as I knew it might be - I was willing to ride this roller-coaster and be by his side as he figured out how to come out and be openly involved with me.

I went to bed - in turmoil - and woke up thinking about him
About mid-morning he texted me - He said he couldn't do it, and he couldn't put me through it.
He was sorry.
I was in the office, near other co-workers when I read his text - I thought, how ironic - usually I am working from home - but here I am in public - and I began to cry. I tried to muffle my tears, but the harder I tried, the worse I sounded. My co-workers nearby asked if I was OK - and I told them - thanks - and I bit my lip and got a grip on myself - but all day I have been in such inner sorrow -

I'll be OK. I'll survive this. It helps to write here just to get it out of my head and off my heart.

 

Thank you... I've learned one thing in life - and that Life goes on, and hard times come and go - if we can weather the hard times, and not give in or give up, this too shall pass and better days come around again.
Every thing that happens changes us and gives us something to stand on in the future. This last thing that set me back has only made me stronger. I am more aware of the consequences of my choices and I am also sensitive to the chaos that comes with bad decisions.

Thank for your wishes of peace and good thoughts. much appreciated.

 

I am very sad you are in pain, and hope you get better. Some things are just not meant to be, even when we wish for it so much...hang in there man! You are much loved

 

what's that saying? It's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all... Lord Tennyson, if memory serves.

 

Thanks everyone for these sweet messages and words of encouragement.
Ironically, since I wrote this almost a year ago, I have experienced a couple repeats of the same pattern with this man who holds my heart in his hand. He cannot seem to take the steps he needs to take hold of what he says he wants with me. He is too afraid of the consequences of that choice. I understand those choices and possible consequences. Ultimately, it comes down to love. Love wins. And, since he cannot muster the courage yet, to follow-through with what he says he wants - instead retreating, standing me up, ghosting me, etc. I have to come to the conclusion that I am not his priority. Even a casual friend would not do what he's done. Making plans and then not showing up, and not even as much as a poor excuse saying he wont be able to make - instead, he cannot even face me and say he can't see me... and then silence follows, and I pack my heart away again with plenty of bubble wrap until the next time he can't leave me alone. Each time I say "this is the last time" but that remains to be seen if the last time is really the last time I'll fall for his advances - I've told myself - this time is different. This pattern of insanity literally rocks me emotionally for too much of my precious time to let it happen again.
stay tuned.