Hi everyone! So let me start by saying I have major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, in addition to PTSD and have been diagnosed for about 5 years now. I'm 16, almost 17. My problem is that I tend to be WAY too inside my own head. I tend to over-analyze every single thing that I and others do, and often blame myself for these things. Let me give you some examples: -My boyfriend loves rock music and has for a long time, before we even met. The thing with rock music is that the lyrics tend to be very depressing, about love problems, and about sex/drugs. We were listening to the rock station in the car and suddenly I changed the channel and broke down and told him that I couldn't listen to it, "because the music depressing, about love problems, and about sex and drugs. I pay attention to the songs in particular that you know all the words to and sing along with. People tend to know the words to songs and sing along with them most when they can relate to the song. Because you seem to be able to relate particularly to these songs about depression, love problems, and sex and drugs, I blame myself. It must be my fault that you still like this music and the lyrics and can relate to them even if you're with me. I'm supposed to make you happy and make you want to listen to happy music. I'm not good enough for you and I'm not helpful in your life." -Another example is that I tend to overthink things in order to "protect" the feelings of others because I've been hurt a lot and expect others to "protect" me in return. When I break up with my ex's, I get rid of all their things because A) I don't want to be reminded of them, and B) I don't want those things laying around or hanging up so that when I get into a new relationship, they have to look at those things from my ex's and feel uncomfortable or feel second-best to that person or whatever. Hence, I like to know the backstory and personal meaning of EVERYTHING around me. My boyfriend and I went into his room, and I saw all these different pieces of art and stuff hanging on the wall. I started asking him about the backstories and personal meanings each item had to him. We get to his mirror where he had this note saying, "I love you forever sweetheart! -Katelyn" on it and I got super upset that he would still have that after 3 years. I asked him to take it down and give it to me, and I ripped it in half. (I know, I sound like a complete obsessive and jealous bitch). To me, I was extremely upset because I myself would have been "considerate" enough to take those things down long ago as to not make anyone else uncomfortable or feel second-best as I said before, and he hadn't shown me that same level of consideration that I would have shown to him. I ended up bawling for about 2 hours and I'm still kind of irked about it. It's not even about the note for me, it's the fact that I tend to care so much about making sure other people are comfortable and that their feelings are protected, but no one ever seems to do it for me. I guess that was just kind of my breaking point. So anyway, I guess I'm just extremely over-sensitive to everything. It's really frustrating because at heart, I'm not this crazy, obsessive, jealous, mean-spirited person at all. I just get so into my head about over-analyzing everything and everyone in order to protect my own feelings and those of others that I tend to end up that way. I know I sound absolutely crazy, but maybe someone out there can offer me a little help or guidance? I'd really appreciate it.
I can see where you are coming from and don't think you are crazy. Its understandable that you want to feel like the most important person to someone (especially if you didn't have that at a young age) but the best thing you can start to do is put yourself first for a while, be kind to yourself because you are the person that matters most to you.
I'm in the same boat really, recently diagnosed bipolar/depression and yeah, rock music can be quite depressive in a way but you can also find a lot of upbeat rock stuff it's just all about what you're into I guess. For me unfortunately, I'm just not really into anything positive. The books I read are negative, the music is negative, the shows I watch, movies.. all negative, I'm just surrounded by negativity really, but that's what I'm into. Not negativity, but the things that fall under negativity by perception, you know? So it is quite difficult. -hugs and kisses- Come talk with me if you need to. =)
I really appreciate what you guys have said and I feel a bit less "alone" to hear it. Growing up, I never was put first by anyone and so I do think I really crave that, and it manifests itself in ways that I and others perceive negatively. I do try to put myself first lately, but it can be challenging. Also, I get where you're coming from about surrounding yourself with negative things. When I was younger, I found comfort of sorts in negative things, probably because I could relate to them. Later on I came to realize that by listening to negative music (or this could apply to movies, books, etc.) I was surrounding myself with the negativity that I so wanted to avoid- basically using those outlets of expression to have a big pity party of sorts for myself if that makes sense? I find that surrounding myself with more positive things (even if I don't want to) can really help too. Thanks for the advice!
