Hi, I never managed to have relationship despite wanting to. I am vicitm of many bad things(like sexual assaults and abuse). I have been mistreated by psychology field related professionals and I ultimately began, watching rather rouugh female/male porn or male/male, despite having no desire to do it, being 100% lesbian, desiring no gender change(psychology related abuse was about sick therapist try convince me to do transition and attempt to extort money from me), despite not having pleasure from it, not really getting off it(like no orgasm) It sometimes involves power play, and it reminds me of abuse I endured. I do not want abuse to come back, yet fact of not being able to make peace with past, inability let it go and find love for myself, sexual plesure, regain respect for self and body(i hate myself, my body) and relationship affects me. I want be loved. Have hug, cuddle. WIth someone smart, respectful, preferably slightly older than me(but not excessively). I try to play a bit with some toys(nothing crazy) but I get no sexual pleasure even if I get orgasm. I mean, it doesn;t make me angry, there is no sick or strange fantasies or desires-it's just, before bad stuff happened masturbation used to bring me pleasure. Now, feels like shame.
It seems to me that you need the help of a trauma specialist to free you from the negative effects of your traumatic past before you can find joy in relationships and sexuality. You can start by working intensively on the important issue of shame, in order to better understand the mechanisms from which you suffer. The lingering effects of sexual trauma - Mayo Clinic Press How to Manage and Navigate Sexual Trauma PTSD and Other Effects of Sexual Assault
