Was it cheating or not?

Uh...I'm not trying to be mean but I read your blog and you said the night before the threesome, you were on e and the girl fell asleep and the 'attractive' guy made you feel really good...

 

to me, if he was ok with you doing stuff with other people while you WERE together, I think it's pretty much like he encouraged you to cheat. That sounds weird but hopefully you get what I'm trying to say. I agree with walkoflife too, it seems like Erik had too much control over you guys' sex life. Your relationship sounds a smidge unhealthy and maybe sickly codependent. I think the break thing was wise. Maybe you should take some time to find out what love and sex really mean to you, and how the two relate and come together in healthy ways.
Just take some time to think on this chika....Good Luck!

 

Nevermind any of the details. They all mean nothing. You were not 'together' when this happened? You were 'on a break'? Well then you didn't cheat. End of.

 

Wow, Keepin' -- excellent post.

You're definitely pretty wise about this kind of thing.

I've confronted feelings about this subject, not because I'm with someone and we're discussing swinging (that's the term for this, right?), but because I know a girl I am very new but very good friends with, and she and her husband have a history of swinging. I am trying to come to a settled place in my mind about how people can do that and remain true to each other. I have difficulty seeing that as possible. I have to figure that their heads (and hearts) just are tuned quite differently from mine.

As much as I am a horny fucker and love the idea of all kinds of unbridled sex, part of me knows that certain things will always be relegated to the realm of fantasy. When I have read people's accounts of threesomes or swinging, and the horrors that those things can wreak upon relationships, tearing them apart, I understand why many sex therapists seem to say that these things are nice to fantasize about, but should be left that way.

I don't believe that the average human being is set up to be able to accept a third party (or fourth) in a relationship, without jealousy of one kind or another really giving it a beating. We are, by our nature, pretty possessive. We feel threatened if our lover is able to fill the "niche" that we fill with someone else. No one wants to feel not needed. I think that's where all the difficulty comes in with regard to multiple partner relationships.

Heady, honey, I hope this works out for you. I admit to a little jealousy, here... I've always been kind of jealous of girls who get with other girls... I'm not quite sure why, and maybe some day I'll talk to a shrink about it But it seems that the communication between you and Erik is lacking. Neither you nor he seems to be dealing with each other on a fully mature level, and leveling with the other. Neither of you is being clear enough, bold enough, courageous enough to state unequivocally what you want or do not want. Then when the lines that should or should not be crossed are unclear and ambiguous, one person can blindside the other and say that he/she crossed it, when it had not been adequately defined from the outset.

Did you actually cheat? Maybe. If you and Erik were on a break, but you knew he preferred that you not go fooling around with anyone, then yeah, I think what you did was bend the "rule" in your favor, to allow you to have your fun. You said yourself that he made a vague comment about not fucking anyone. I believe you probably knew what he was asking for, but said to yourself, "Well, he wasn't specific, so how do I know what he was asking me not to do?" even though you really did know. You were playing "doublethink." (Read "1984" to know about that. It's about pretending to not know what you really know you know.)

That said, I'm sure I'm not the only one who would love to hear about what you did with this girl...

And please forgive me if that's out of line. I gave you my thoughts, so come on and indulge me a little. You know your story is a bit titillating!

-Jeffrey

 

Any guy who finds out that his girl can get her kicks with another girl is gonna feel threatened with obsolescence. That is natural.

Of course, if his girl goes out of her way to reassure him that while she may like girls, she still likes and needs her man, that may help to smooth things back over. Heady, is this true of you? Is the girl-thing an "extra" for you, and you mainly want your man? Or is he truly threatened with obsolescence, or at least ambivalence, about you really needing him?

PEOPLE, can we see that this kind of thing RARELY works out without MAJOR HITCHES? This should serve as an object lesson. If you have something between you and another one person, don't fuck it up by overindulging, and seeking extra sex beyond what you two can have yourself. Sure, it may be hot and enticing and exciting, but the question is (and only you can answer this for yourself, I don't presume to do so): is it worth it?


-Jeffrey

 

You were broke up so You did'nt cheat. If you are not entangled in a relationship, do whatever you want...Maybe he is just jealous because he was not a participant....I know some of us out here feel that way! Anyway, your adventure has made for very good reading, my girlfriend said your story was "highly erotic".

 

crystaleyez, I won't deny that the night before it all went down I spent the night talking with the girl's boyfriend and yes, I find him attractive and he made me feel good, too. But only by talking and bullshitting all night. He and his girlfriend have a very good relationship and I have a wonderful friendship with them both. I NEVER would have touched her man. I know what's crossing the line and what's not. With them anyway. I didn't know with Erik, only because he SAID it would be ok, and I thought if it wasn't, he would come out and tell me.

Thanks for all the support and opinions. Thank you, Jeff, for commenting without being very judgemental. I appreciate it.

I'm trying to ease him into having a break. I have a tendency to jump into things head first. So when I decided to change myself, and drop the drama crap to get Erik's attention, and stop taking the relationship so seriously, I did the opposite and forgot what it would look like from his point of view. I changed overnight and it scared him.

I understand. I understand the natural jealousy, too, but IMO I think a little bit is good. If he were to go out on a hot date, I would be jealous, but I would feel good inside because I know no one can love and treat him like I do.

We're talking more and he just needs time to adjust and I need to show him I still care instead of acting like I don't care at all. He's warming up to the idea. He still lectures me a lot and it sux, but I did hurt him. If him telling me over and over how much it hurt makes him feel better, that's ok with me. I didn't mean to, and he likes to hear that over and over, too. He promises he'll move out in the next week or so, but give him a little bit of time to prepare. That's more than fair.

He's talked with the couple, also and really isn't mad about the situation anymore. It's getting better.

He really liked reading all your responses, so a big thanks comes from him, too.

 

oh, and Jeff, I hate to justify myself so much but it's a nasty habit. I did lay everything out for Erik about what I wanted and the direction I wanted our relationship to go and how I wanted to get there, but Erik didn't beleive me at first, so when I just left, reality came crashing down on him and that's why he's been freaking out.

It's not lack of communication on my part. Trust me, everyone that knows me, knows I clearly state what I want at all times!! It's an annoying trait, but you never get what you want unless you ask, right?

 

If you were single, there is nothing that is tehcnically cheating. I have a feeling that it is never good to bring other sexual partners into a loving relationship.

 

if youre on a break you have the right do do whatever you want, you don't have a ring on your finger so if he doesnt obviously object why not have some fun

 

I think I'm missing something, though.

It seems that the default assumption here is that You two want to break up, but are trying to do it in a way that he can adjust to without too much hurt. Is that right?

Because I am having trouble understanding the whole reason for trying to "take a break." What is it that makes taking this break necessary? If you want to be together, why not just stay together?

Help me with the background. I feel like I walked in in the middle.

-Jeffrey

 

well if it hurt him enough were he complained about it, it hurt him. he may have been cool about it in the begining, but he still had feelings for you. it may not be considered cheating, but in the end, it is in his head that you fooled around with someone else...

 

Your boyfriend is a hypocrite. It was HIS idea in the first place; he encouraged you to "do it" while he was away. So for your boyfriend to accuse you of cheating AFTER he encouraged you to do it in the first place is the height of hypocrisy -- not to mention dishonesty.

-- Skeeter

 

didnt read all replies.

in my opinion, i think that when fantasy becomes reality the emotional consequences are often different than what we expect. I'm sure it sounded cool to him initially, then he got to feel how it felt.

at the same time - you did say:

then he encouraged it one time so you thought:

Also, what does "A Break" mean to you? What does it mean to him? In my eyes, a break is different then breaking up.

Get some counseling and learn how to communicate better, we all need to.

 

i wanted to say exactly what you said, yogi. ^^^^^

he said it was cool with him, but ONLY IF he was there...and he obviously wasn't there when it happened, so in my eyes he has right to be mad.

also, to me, "a break" and breaking up are two different things. a break means that you still want to be together, but feel that you need some space to be alone and clear your head, take a breather, or what have you. that in no way, unless it's discussed clearly and openly between you two, gives you the green light to go ahead and sleep with other people.

but, i dunno. i'm not involved, so i can't give you the exact response you need. and neither can anyone else here. we'd have to know you personally, or be involved in some way to totally grasp what's going on.