Want Feedback on Your Poem(s)??? Post Here.

Please Read Directions Completely!!! ​

~So, I've read through a couple of people's poems and i've noticed that a few of the poets complain that they don't get feedback on their poems, so i'm starting this thread to try and remedy that. So here's how i think it should work...

1. Post a poem of yours.

2. Reply to someone else's - Perhaps tell them what you thought, how it made you feel, if it reminded you of anything in your life, good/bad things about it, recommendations, etc, ect...

3. I'd really like it if you only posted as many poems as you reply to the poems of others because i think that's only fair.

Of course i can't make you reply to another's poems or anything, but, again, i think that's only fair... I'm sure that people post their poems on the internet, of all places, because they would like a little feedback on it so that they can see if their writing is 'affective', hear what advice people have, ect...

Although i'm not really much of a 'poet' (more of a short story/book writer), i suppose with the way i set up this thread's system i have to get things started... Here goes nothing...

"Strange Aquarian Thoughts"

(Very Important - Read Blue First; actual poem. Then read Black; reasoning. If you don't you won't get the rhyme/rythm)


Dripping Clocks (I started this poem in an art museum and this line was
inspired by that one really
famous painting of the dripping clocks.)

Clouds Unseen (Then my friend who i was with took a smoke break
outside and i came with him and
laid down on the bench looking at
the sky and it was so blue and clear out.)

Rectangular Knocks (Just found something that rhymed with 'clocks')

Words Unseen (My friend asked if he could see what i was writing
and i said no. I can't remeber my motive now,
because usually i'm pretty open.)

Psychedlic Zebras (That was a name of some work in the museum
that had nothing to do with Zebras,
as far as i could see, and it cought my eye.)

Omniscent Libras (I couldn't think of anything else that rhymed with 'zebras'.)

Upside-down Square-dance (This is one of my favorite phrases.)

One Last Orange Intranse (My boyfriend has an orange shade over the
light on his side of the bed and when
just that is on everything looks orange.)

Internal Blaze (Inspired by what happens next, hehe)

Brilliant Construction (My comment on construction in general; to
construct anything is just amazing to me.)

Figurative Haze (I wrote that in a story and really liked it,
and since it rhymed with 'haze' i re-used it.)

Ticking Corruption (Sometimes i look at kids playing at the park while i'm there and it makes me sad that for many of them, it's only a matter of time beofer they become corrupt.)

Deafening Silence (How i feel during uncomfortable silences)

Mauve Defiance (Inspired by Wally Lamb's book She's Come Undone
when he's talking about the
color mauve in waiting rooms.)

Illuminated Yellow Spots (Rhymed with 'thoughts')

Strange Aquarian Thoughts. (I really like it when in movies they start
at the end and then the whole story
is in a flachback and then they being it
all together in the end so i
wanted to do that in a poem.)

 

You too huh? For every little kid I see I cannot help but think this. It instantly reminds me of the fact that I will not introduce a child to this society.

I like your poem. It has some very interesting, provocative lines. An even better experiment would be to first post the poem and ask people what they think it means. It'd be interesting to see different responses.

Anyway, I guess I'll join in. I'm definitely not a poet as I'm more of a weird science type but I wrote a couple short poems recently, so what the hell!

-------------------------
A Whisper

As the sun rises your smile warms my heart
The leaves rustle and your laugh comforts my mind
A songbird trills but all I hear is your voice
As you softly whisper "I love you"

Gazing at the star filled sky I get lost in your eyes.
Basking in the moonlight I feel your gentle touch
The wind howls as dreams completely envelop me
And you slowly whisper "I want you"

And if the sky should weep I'll wipe away your tears
And if the earth should shatter I'll pick up the pieces
When you weakly whisper "I need you"

---------------------------------------

1000 Years

I feared this was coming all along -
So I tried to prepare myself.
But I could never be truly prepared.

As I watch my world crumble
I realize it is I who am to blame.
As the sirens lure hard-nosed swashbuckling pirates to their death
So you convinced me to tear down my stone walls,
Seeking access to the keep within.
From there, seducing any king with dreams is an easy task.

Though my knights warned me
I would not change a thing.
I should sustain a thousand years of solitude
For a single day with you.

Give me solitude today and I shall labor away, day by day
Driven by the desire to see you.
Give me solitude tomorrow and I shall dream a thousand years
Of the day I spent with you.

And for that day I would finally be a King.
For a King is not without a Queen,
And I am not without You.
-------------------------------

humandraydel

 

~Humandraydel - (do you spin all day long..?) Well, thanks for your participation! In answer to you advice about just posting mine and getting different reactions, i really didn't want to post any poetry of mine on here because i usually don't show others, but after i wrote the directions out i realzied that i had to post a poem or otherwise i myself would be braking the set rules... It's cool to see that we get the same thoughts sometimes, it's nice to not feel like the only one who sees something in a way. As for your poems-
~"A Whisper" - Oh the passion... I can tell that you've been in love before my friend...
~"1000 Years" - My favorite line was "Give me solitude tomorrow and I shall dream a thousand years". It seems as though finding a mate makes you feel more 'kingly'; at least that's what i got out of the lines "And for that day I would finally be a King.
For a King is not without a Queen,".
Thankyou again for participating in what you called 'my experiment'...

 

sure-real dilly of a thought
you got
persistent memory

the disintegration of
dilly dally, (did
Dali dally with zebras?)

watching watches melt
automatically assumes psychics
perceive this range

bottom-up circle-jerking
beats shilly-shallyin’
no offence, reticence’s my two cents

I prefer Hieronymus
the exquisite corpse
nomination of annomination

here a tic, here I say,
heresy they say
aspirations illuminate illusions

yet still, the trenchant mind
sounds substantively steady and
the sun embodies perfect bodies

one spirit created
alive and untamed
reclaims his name

insane saying
movement’s in motion
with single soul canto

can in the right
light becomes insight…
brethren of the free spirits

in the beak of
excessiveness,
SCREAM

shilly-shally’n through figurative haze,
explosive emotion, ebullition evolution
will send you to the shores of Sheol…

singing iracundity’ll get you there quicker
so say g’day to Hedes
and don’t forget the sunscreen

seems like
time is
m
e
l
t
i
n
g

doctor,
corrupt tick
choke on insapory chyme

heliophobic child
suffers erysipelas
of the haustellum,
subcutaneous swelling,
inflammation of the
alimentary canal,
afterdamp digestion
all the while holy swine
recite from the book
Ignes Fatui

(Mother of God,
tin-man discovers
Mary is bored as sin)

so from the banks of vestation,
on a raft of broken limbs,
send the child adrift

the spodogenous river,
from which the bishop retrieves
ammunition for his aspersorium…

interlude:
(I need 10 cents.
-What for?
-a bag of chips…
-Huh?
-I’m a little short
-If you don’t get out of my face…
-I’m gonna kick you ass,
-You son of a bitch)

nidorously delicious
scents makes sense
to him

his creation
toxic metropolis
divine distress
pure, flawless, redundant

overseeing his mind, attacking emotion
crawling amidst the eurocentric coprolite

St. Anthony burns the herring,
then feasts upon
ortolan bunting

the dumb child
will become
fine vellum
on which pigs
write letters to kings
who fear truth
and shout
Off With His Head!

chained to a drifting ship
of fools and swans
sail in a sky of unseen clouds

a world of water,
a blue room,
harbour non existent

ensuing madness,
suspicion without aid
kings declare mass noyade

no worries, child,
fall down a hole, have a flower
removed from your brain

child, man has tamed the griffin,
which has captured the hog,
in this garden of earthly delights

watch the ravens
anfractuous flight
above the capitals

complete with contraptions
of cruelty,
didactic death

dicacious ladies
roasting rumps,
sleeping in roses

captious, sinless
lust and morbid pleasures,
strong, beautiful, inspired

nymphs huddle together
slap protrusile fissilingual,
drink the peacock’s spicy perfume

universal orgies take place
in the centre pond
in the aforementioned garden

flowering orifices,
naked lovers, revelers
dine on strawberries

tendrils grope
God suckles
vegetal eroticism

pleasure of the flesh,
fruit, animals,
exotic minerals

inspired structures
erotic symbols inspired
by song, slang and sayings

fruits nibbled,
held by lovers,
sexual organs

in a pond a
carp feasts
on golden fish a
cat rides a prawn

perforated spirits
crying and fearing
allege and pledge
bow down to God
serves the greater whole
ignores the self
spins minds through
time ignorance takes
over 10 thousand years
from now second-hand
one-side stories
strangle reality
borders strangle
singular reality

certain circumcised
locust nations
focus on station
electrocutions

floundering ship of fools,
eating, drinking, flirting, cheating,
chasing transparent carrots

food and riches
in the trees,
weeds grow from steeples
the owl’s faith buffet
serves up ambrosia
graciously accepting
my weight
upon its shoulders…

the world

sadly,
giving life to wind,
nothing more,
a red pennon
receives penance
from scorpion fish

black beady eyes,
Prince Muridae
watches the flag burn

overthrow the camarilla
with the soul guerilla

the land is green, gold
and faraway blue
exposed, sensuality absent

rabbits nibble on raspberry genitals,
floating grapes,
eudemonic Daedalus escapes

the pensile couple
in the harp watch
the city’s on fire

rational illusions
regarding the rationality
of human nature

confidence in
the world’s kindness
has been corrupted by man

vulnerable to temptation,
the deceptive allure of sin,
the obsessive attraction of lust,

heresy, and obscenity
lurking demons,
strange magicians
congratulations,
you’ve passed
ante mortem
examination
possessiveness is relinquished,
armour is useless:
death is surprising and accepted:
a pen through each hand,
a cape of chenille, now
soar, dove,
like Hieronymus

had a goblet of wine,
then was eaten by a rat
abducted by ghosts,

the bird guarding the gates
to hell ate me too

a spear in your mouth,
serpent,
now writhe

interlude:
(C’mon, man, I need 10 cents…
-If you don’t get out of here
-and make it fast
-I’m gonna put my foot right in your ass)

gangrene in the extremities
decapitated and hated
alfet for no crime

consumed by the birds
violated by the syrinx,
licked, cut and chewed

death by sword,
drowned in fire
impaled on icy spear

charqui for the beasts
flense the glutton
with scissible skin

exuvial execution
exscind from nation
is love worth it?

remain steadfast, remove
anxiety, fear, and guilt
you are incomplete

Is this what you offer your love?

vain and short-lived,
taste the strawberry
brew a cup of debacle
time honors
rectified habits
at every opportunity
do what you can,
you can do
what you want

so might as well
suck
ergot nuts

 

.......ummm...not to be a spoil sport but...ummmm.... I thought thats why we already posted in this forum...and that people should have some common sense (eventually) that they should post to others if they want responses to theirs as well. Some get that part, some don't.

 

~gdhmomchild - I thought abuot what you wrote (post #5) and I agree... It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now i feel as though i did something really stupid. So if anyone knows how to get a thread deleted, please put me and my dumb thread out of our miseries...

~Vanastral - Actually, i have a pretty bad memory, but i do carry around a little 'portable notebook' like detectives so that i can write down anything that i'd like to write about later... (I think other people think i'm a detective or soemthing).
My favorite lines in your poem were "the world’s kindness has been corrupted by man".

 

TatAq: “a few of the poets complain…
i'm starting this thread to try and remedy that.”

Me: active assistance trumps petty complaint,
your efforts are commendable,
(albeit a little naïve)
no worries eh

gdhmom: “not to be a spoil sport but I thought thats why we already posted in this forum...
and that people should have some common sense (eventually) that they should post to others if they want responses to theirs as well. Some get that part, some don't.”

Me: oh come now, that just reeks of conjecture
inspiration before criticism
(just one opinion)
diversity, freedom of speech, or lack thereof. accept it
Why complain?
Your posts receive an average of over 8 replies
(better than average)
no worries eh

 

this isn't a poem, but just thought that a good way for eliminating the problem about people not getting feedback is replying to the posts that have had 0 posts, first at least. then going onto other poems. that's what i've been doing recently.

 

Complain? *looks around.....I was just voicing an opinion I held.
diversity, freedom of speech, or lack thereof. accept it.
I do every day.
Does that mean I'm supposed to stfu?
Your posts receive an average of over 8 replies
(better than average)
I've also had them drop like stones. If I get better than average amount of posts theres a few reasons. I've been around here for 4-5 years. I don't post my own work often since most is unfit for consumption IMHO. I try to be active and supportive in this forum. I have, sometimes politely, sometime in a blatant manner, pointed out that it's polite to post to others works in the forums and when I see these people become a more active participant, posting more to others, I feel like I've done some something more than complain and I don't feel what I've done thus far has been complaining. There have been times when I have been less active definitely and that was partly due to a couple of people that were flaming me in the forums or the fact that I've shared my computer w/ two others over the years that were regulars in the forums as well.

 

This thread is a very good idea, I've made it sticky....

 

I floated by on a cloud,

I saw you there in a crowd,

I wished I could be with you,

But as you see, I cant,

Why?

I hear you ask me,

I am the spirit of the day,

I am always there in every way,

I long to be on the inside,

I am sick of being on the outside,

I look at thee, you dont see me,

Why?

If only you could see me,

If only I could be,

like you.


This is one of the first poems I wrote when I was 19, its always been my favourite, Please tell me what you think, even if you dont like it!

If people like it, I will be pleased to post more of my poetry and storys!

 

im confuesed?

 

yeah...isn't the whole point of the forum to leave feedback for each other...or have I had it wrong all these years?

littleconfusedskinny

 

Hello My name is Papillon I am an old hippie. I use to play music in the 70ties. I came back to thinking of myself as a singer song writer.
I am also french canadian.
I would like to work on a special project with some people and also share poetry and music on this forum.
There are a few problems. I went traveling and got lost on the hippie trail for 34 years. Lived mostly in a bus. So I started writing songs in the English language.
I have spelling problems now in 3 languages. French that I almost forgot to write. English my second language. Anspanish. So I am self concious of these weaknesses.
I write mostly about revolutionary subjects. Stuff like the war in Iraq. The environment.
I am looking for collaboration. Mostly because I feel that connection is the ticket for bringing the subjects I write about to the FRONT.
I like rock jazz and these influence my music. But it is folk primarely since I play accoustic guitare with fingerpicking styles. I also like weird tunings like DADGAD and DADDAD.
I have a very good Idea. Not about a song but about a philosophy. So I am fishing right now. Trying to hook insoired motivated people to be interested in that project. It is way too long for me to try to explain it with this post. I am also always on the hunt for collaboration in music. So if you are a musician, a producer of dreams and utopia and or someone that feels they would like to put heads with me and others e-mail me.

I will post one poem song here and give a link to the vide .wmv of it to be listened to. This one is about Iraq. It is called headlines.

song written by Papillon

I Just need a little hope as I wander down the street.

Kidnapped by the headlines that keep me on my feet

Villains and vigilantes ride the same parade

The media points the arrows and show who to invade

Graffiti fills the walls they call it regime change

The music just gets louder and sounding kind of strange

Call it code orange an new world order western democracy

When you got the power you can write the A B C

****************************************

Have been part of those who’ve been lied to all their lives

I just know by instinct to read between the lines

Words from all these experts the generals and the knights

All these high tech vandals who’ve never seen it right

When it comes to bleeding I know who’s blood will run

It’s not the first time they want some killing done

They are thirsting for heroes they always know the facts

With a simple speculation they can destroy Iraq



*******************************************

While uncle Sam keeps tabs and blinks at all our files

Checking all our credits our mail and how we smile

While machines just get faster better memory and cup’s

It all feels like a nightmare in a NAZI zoo

Meanwhile aids still kills thousands every day

But that is so far might as well be the milky way

Short attention deficit disorder affects 58 percent

Most people don’t even vote for the president

************************************

Meanwhile we see the victims very quickly on TV

all that collateral damage keeps piling up you see

Broken lives are harder are harder to repair

Than bombing cities leaving orphans every-where

If I was a child living in Baghdad

They destroyed my school

And then they killed my dad.

Then I might differ in opinion deep in my head

And one day drive a car with a dirty bomb instead



********************************************

Children must worry as new enemies come to be

Driven by their martyrs and leaders on TV

Finger pointing experts and preachers of Jihad

Singing to the masses in the angry ciudad

If a secret deal was stuck in Athens or Hong Kong

between a fanatic and some-one with a bomb

Bigotry greed things you can’t ignore

Especially when your leaders are marching you to war

http://beadsongs.org/headlinestv.htm

 

common sense, it's not
so common in cyberland:
a toilet flushing

I'm also confused...
does that mean we're related
who lives in a tree?

 

Bah. I dislike this thread very much...

 

ts thread was a good idea. I liked "A Whisper"

"7 Angels"
I set out from galio
thats were I saw him thier
the fog came down before me
the air was barely thier
shadows seemed to dance
In a frightning kind of way
he tried to invite me in
but it was hear that i wanted to stay

the first angel took me by the hand
led me threw a road of stone
I watched as they put scores on the beast
burnt its flesh down to the bone
the next two were like pools of blood
killed the lives with a massive flood
from the pool your lives I drank
He said its what you and I deserve.


Its sort of a biblical poem. tell me what you think. be honest. Its actualy meant to be a song, so keep that in mind when you write your review.

 

Untitled

I'm a failure at everything I do
From sports to school
To Tying my own shoe
It's like I was put on the earth to waste away
And never be known for one single day
Am I just blind?
Or is this the truth
Oh sure I may be kind,
but that'll get you no where in this world
I'm beginning to see the reality of life.
"Do good in school, study hard, go to college,"
Just to make money, and maybe have a wife
But wait, don't you see?
I can't have a wife cause this fu*ked up country
I don't know why I'm here
Maybe I'll find out later
But until that day I find my space
I have to say
I'm out of place

 

I really like your poem, Winston Smiths Diary... It's really deep.

 

this is very emotional...and made me sad....its very strong and has the element of song to it...you are very talented for your age...(i kno that may sound patronising....but i didn't mean it to)