Want Feedback on Your Poem(s)??? Post Here.

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by TattoedAquarian, Jan 26, 2005.

  1. TattoedAquarian

    TattoedAquarian Senior Member

    Please Read Directions Completely!!!

    ~So, I've read through a couple of people's poems and i've noticed that a few of the poets complain that they don't get feedback on their poems, so i'm starting this thread to try and remedy that. So here's how i think it should work...

    1. Post a poem of yours.

    2. Reply to someone else's - Perhaps tell them what you thought, how it made you feel, if it reminded you of anything in your life, good/bad things about it, recommendations, etc, ect...

    3. I'd really like it if you only posted as many poems as you reply to the poems of others because i think that's only fair.

    Of course i can't make you reply to another's poems or anything, but, again, i think that's only fair... I'm sure that people post their poems on the internet, of all places, because they would like a little feedback on it so that they can see if their writing is 'affective', hear what advice people have, ect...

    Although i'm not really much of a 'poet' (more of a short story/book writer), i suppose with the way i set up this thread's system i have to get things started... Here goes nothing...

    "Strange Aquarian Thoughts"

    (Very Important - Read Blue First; actual poem. Then read Black; reasoning. If you don't you won't get the rhyme/rythm)


    Dripping Clocks (I started this poem in an art museum and this line was
    inspired by that one really
    famous painting of the dripping clocks.)

    Clouds Unseen (Then my friend who i was with took a smoke break
    outside and i came with him and
    laid down on the bench looking at
    the sky and it was so blue and clear out.)

    Rectangular Knocks (Just found something that rhymed with 'clocks')

    Words Unseen (My friend asked if he could see what i was writing
    and i said no. I can't remeber my motive now,
    because usually i'm pretty open.)

    Psychedlic Zebras (That was a name of some work in the museum
    that had nothing to do with Zebras,
    as far as i could see, and it cought my eye.)

    Omniscent Libras (I couldn't think of anything else that rhymed with 'zebras'.)

    Upside-down Square-dance (This is one of my favorite phrases.)

    One Last Orange Intranse (My boyfriend has an orange shade over the
    light on his side of the bed and when
    just that is on everything looks orange.)

    Internal Blaze (Inspired by what happens next, hehe)

    Brilliant Construction (My comment on construction in general; to
    construct anything is just amazing to me.)

    Figurative Haze (I wrote that in a story and really liked it,
    and since it rhymed with 'haze' i re-used it.)

    Ticking Corruption (Sometimes i look at kids playing at the park while i'm there and it makes me sad that for many of them, it's only a matter of time beofer they become corrupt.)

    Deafening Silence (How i feel during uncomfortable silences)

    Mauve Defiance (Inspired by Wally Lamb's book She's Come Undone
    when he's talking about the
    color mauve in waiting rooms.)

    Illuminated Yellow Spots (Rhymed with 'thoughts')

    Strange Aquarian Thoughts. (I really like it when in movies they start
    at the end and then the whole story
    is in a flachback and then they being it
    all together in the end so i
    wanted to do that in a poem.)
     
  2. humandraydel

    humandraydel Member

    You too huh? For every little kid I see I cannot help but think this. It instantly reminds me of the fact that I will not introduce a child to this society.

    I like your poem. It has some very interesting, provocative lines. An even better experiment would be to first post the poem and ask people what they think it means. It'd be interesting to see different responses.

    Anyway, I guess I'll join in. I'm definitely not a poet as I'm more of a weird science type but I wrote a couple short poems recently, so what the hell!

    -------------------------
    A Whisper

    As the sun rises your smile warms my heart
    The leaves rustle and your laugh comforts my mind
    A songbird trills but all I hear is your voice
    As you softly whisper "I love you"

    Gazing at the star filled sky I get lost in your eyes.
    Basking in the moonlight I feel your gentle touch
    The wind howls as dreams completely envelop me
    And you slowly whisper "I want you"

    And if the sky should weep I'll wipe away your tears
    And if the earth should shatter I'll pick up the pieces
    When you weakly whisper "I need you"

    ---------------------------------------

    1000 Years

    I feared this was coming all along -
    So I tried to prepare myself.
    But I could never be truly prepared.

    As I watch my world crumble
    I realize it is I who am to blame.
    As the sirens lure hard-nosed swashbuckling pirates to their death
    So you convinced me to tear down my stone walls,
    Seeking access to the keep within.
    From there, seducing any king with dreams is an easy task.

    Though my knights warned me
    I would not change a thing.
    I should sustain a thousand years of solitude
    For a single day with you.

    Give me solitude today and I shall labor away, day by day
    Driven by the desire to see you.
    Give me solitude tomorrow and I shall dream a thousand years
    Of the day I spent with you.

    And for that day I would finally be a King.
    For a King is not without a Queen,
    And I am not without You.
    -------------------------------

    humandraydel
     
  3. TattoedAquarian

    TattoedAquarian Senior Member

    ~Humandraydel - (do you spin all day long..?) Well, thanks for your participation! In answer to you advice about just posting mine and getting different reactions, i really didn't want to post any poetry of mine on here because i usually don't show others, but after i wrote the directions out i realzied that i had to post a poem or otherwise i myself would be braking the set rules... It's cool to see that we get the same thoughts sometimes, it's nice to not feel like the only one who sees something in a way. As for your poems-
    ~"A Whisper" - Oh the passion... I can tell that you've been in love before my friend...
    ~"1000 Years" - My favorite line was "Give me solitude tomorrow and I shall dream a thousand years". It seems as though finding a mate makes you feel more 'kingly'; at least that's what i got out of the lines "And for that day I would finally be a King.
    For a King is not without a Queen,".
    Thankyou again for participating in what you called 'my experiment'...
     
  4. VanAstral

    VanAstral Member

    sure-real dilly of a thought
    you got
    persistent memory

    the disintegration of
    dilly dally, (did
    Dali dally with zebras?)

    watching watches melt
    automatically assumes psychics
    perceive this range

    bottom-up circle-jerking
    beats shilly-shallyin’
    no offence, reticence’s my two cents

    I prefer Hieronymus
    the exquisite corpse
    nomination of annomination

    here a tic, here I say,
    heresy they say
    aspirations illuminate illusions

    yet still, the trenchant mind
    sounds substantively steady and
    the sun embodies perfect bodies

    one spirit created
    alive and untamed
    reclaims his name

    insane saying
    movement’s in motion
    with single soul canto

    can in the right
    light becomes insight…
    brethren of the free spirits

    in the beak of
    excessiveness,
    SCREAM

    shilly-shally’n through figurative haze,
    explosive emotion, ebullition evolution
    will send you to the shores of Sheol…

    singing iracundity’ll get you there quicker
    so say g’day to Hedes
    and don’t forget the sunscreen

    seems like
    time is
    m
    e
    l
    t
    i
    n
    g

    doctor,
    corrupt tick
    choke on insapory chyme

    heliophobic child
    suffers erysipelas
    of the haustellum,
    subcutaneous swelling,
    inflammation of the
    alimentary canal,
    afterdamp digestion
    all the while holy swine
    recite from the book
    Ignes Fatui

    (Mother of God,
    tin-man discovers
    Mary is bored as sin)

    so from the banks of vestation,
    on a raft of broken limbs,
    send the child adrift

    the spodogenous river,
    from which the bishop retrieves
    ammunition for his aspersorium…

    interlude:
    (I need 10 cents.
    -What for?
    -a bag of chips…
    -Huh?
    -I’m a little short
    -If you don’t get out of my face…
    -I’m gonna kick you ass,
    -You son of a bitch
    )

    nidorously delicious
    scents makes sense
    to him

    his creation
    toxic metropolis
    divine distress
    pure, flawless, redundant

    overseeing his mind, attacking emotion
    crawling amidst the eurocentric coprolite

    St. Anthony burns the herring,
    then feasts upon
    ortolan bunting

    the dumb child
    will become
    fine vellum
    on which pigs
    write letters to kings
    who fear truth
    and shout
    Off With His Head!

    chained to a drifting ship
    of fools and swans
    sail in a sky of unseen clouds

    a world of water,
    a blue room,
    harbour non existent

    ensuing madness,
    suspicion without aid
    kings declare mass noyade

    no worries, child,
    fall down a hole, have a flower
    removed from your brain

    child, man has tamed the griffin,
    which has captured the hog,
    in this garden of earthly delights

    watch the ravens
    anfractuous flight
    above the capitals

    complete with contraptions
    of cruelty,
    didactic death

    dicacious ladies
    roasting rumps,
    sleeping in roses

    captious, sinless
    lust and morbid pleasures,
    strong, beautiful, inspired

    nymphs huddle together
    slap protrusile fissilingual,
    drink the peacock’s spicy perfume

    universal orgies take place
    in the centre pond
    in the aforementioned garden

    flowering orifices,
    naked lovers, revelers
    dine on strawberries

    tendrils grope
    God suckles
    vegetal eroticism

    pleasure of the flesh,
    fruit, animals,
    exotic minerals

    inspired structures
    erotic symbols inspired
    by song, slang and sayings

    fruits nibbled,
    held by lovers,
    sexual organs

    in a pond a
    carp feasts
    on golden fish a
    cat rides a prawn

    perforated spirits
    crying and fearing
    allege and pledge
    bow down to God
    serves the greater whole
    ignores the self
    spins minds through
    time ignorance takes
    over 10 thousand years
    from now second-hand
    one-side stories
    strangle reality
    borders strangle
    singular reality

    certain circumcised
    locust nations
    focus on station
    electrocutions

    floundering ship of fools,
    eating, drinking, flirting, cheating,
    chasing transparent carrots

    food and riches
    in the trees,
    weeds grow from steeples
    the owl’s faith buffet
    serves up ambrosia
    graciously accepting
    my weight
    upon its shoulders…

    the world

    sadly,
    giving life to wind,
    nothing more,
    a red pennon
    receives penance
    from scorpion fish

    black beady eyes,
    Prince Muridae
    watches the flag burn

    overthrow the camarilla
    with the soul guerilla

    the land is green, gold
    and faraway blue
    exposed, sensuality absent

    rabbits nibble on raspberry genitals,
    floating grapes,
    eudemonic Daedalus escapes

    the pensile couple
    in the harp watch
    the city’s on fire

    rational illusions
    regarding the rationality
    of human nature

    confidence in
    the world’s kindness
    has been corrupted by man

    vulnerable to temptation,
    the deceptive allure of sin,
    the obsessive attraction of lust,

    heresy, and obscenity
    lurking demons,
    strange magicians
    congratulations,
    you’ve passed
    ante mortem
    examination
    possessiveness is relinquished,
    armour is useless:
    death is surprising and accepted:
    a pen through each hand,
    a cape of chenille, now
    soar, dove,
    like Hieronymus

    had a goblet of wine,
    then was eaten by a rat
    abducted by ghosts,

    the bird guarding the gates
    to hell ate me too

    a spear in your mouth,
    serpent,
    now writhe

    interlude:
    (C’mon, man, I need 10 cents…
    -If you don’t get out of here
    -and make it fast
    -I’m gonna put my foot right in your ass
    )

    gangrene in the extremities
    decapitated and hated
    alfet for no crime

    consumed by the birds
    violated by the syrinx,
    licked, cut and chewed

    death by sword,
    drowned in fire
    impaled on icy spear

    charqui for the beasts
    flense the glutton
    with scissible skin

    exuvial execution
    exscind from nation
    is love worth it?

    remain steadfast, remove
    anxiety, fear, and guilt
    you are incomplete

    Is this what you offer your love?

    vain and short-lived,
    taste the strawberry
    brew a cup of debacle
    time honors
    rectified habits
    at every opportunity
    do what you can,
    you can do
    what you want

    so might as well
    suck
    ergot nuts
     
  5. gdhmomchild

    gdhmomchild Duct tape abuser

    .......ummm...not to be a spoil sport but...ummmm.... I thought thats why we already posted in this forum...and that people should have some common sense (eventually) that they should post to others if they want responses to theirs as well. Some get that part, some don't.
     
  6. TattoedAquarian

    TattoedAquarian Senior Member

    ~gdhmomchild - I thought abuot what you wrote (post #5) and I agree... It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now i feel as though i did something really stupid. So if anyone knows how to get a thread deleted, please put me and my dumb thread out of our miseries...

    ~Vanastral - Actually, i have a pretty bad memory, but i do carry around a little 'portable notebook' like detectives so that i can write down anything that i'd like to write about later... (I think other people think i'm a detective or soemthing).
    My favorite lines in your poem were "the world’s kindness has been corrupted by man".
     
  7. VanAstral

    VanAstral Member

    TatAq: “a few of the poets complain…
    i'm starting this thread to try and remedy that.”

    Me: active assistance trumps petty complaint,
    your efforts are commendable,
    (albeit a little naïve)
    no worries eh

    gdhmom: “not to be a spoil sport but I thought thats why we already posted in this forum...
    and that people should have some common sense (eventually) that they should post to others if they want responses to theirs as well. Some get that part, some don't.”

    Me: oh come now, that just reeks of conjecture
    inspiration before criticism
    (just one opinion)
    diversity, freedom of speech, or lack thereof. accept it
    Why complain?
    Your posts receive an average of over 8 replies
    (better than average)
    no worries eh
     
  8. Lozi

    Lozi Senior Member

    this isn't a poem, but just thought that a good way for eliminating the problem about people not getting feedback is replying to the posts that have had 0 posts, first at least. then going onto other poems. that's what i've been doing recently.
     
  9. gdhmomchild

    gdhmomchild Duct tape abuser

    Complain? *looks around.....I was just voicing an opinion I held.
    diversity, freedom of speech, or lack thereof. accept it.
    I do every day.
    Does that mean I'm supposed to stfu?
    Your posts receive an average of over 8 replies
    (better than average)
    I've also had them drop like stones. If I get better than average amount of posts theres a few reasons. I've been around here for 4-5 years. I don't post my own work often since most is unfit for consumption IMHO. I try to be active and supportive in this forum. I have, sometimes politely, sometime in a blatant manner, pointed out that it's polite to post to others works in the forums and when I see these people become a more active participant, posting more to others, I feel like I've done some something more than complain and I don't feel what I've done thus far has been complaining. There have been times when I have been less active definitely and that was partly due to a couple of people that were flaming me in the forums or the fact that I've shared my computer w/ two others over the years that were regulars in the forums as well.
     
  10. Peace-Phoenix

    Peace-Phoenix Senior Member

    This thread is a very good idea, I've made it sticky....
     
  11. I floated by on a cloud,

    I saw you there in a crowd,

    I wished I could be with you,

    But as you see, I cant,

    Why?

    I hear you ask me,

    I am the spirit of the day,

    I am always there in every way,

    I long to be on the inside,

    I am sick of being on the outside,

    I look at thee, you dont see me,

    Why?

    If only you could see me,

    If only I could be,

    like you.


    This is one of the first poems I wrote when I was 19, its always been my favourite, Please tell me what you think, even if you dont like it!

    If people like it, I will be pleased to post more of my poetry and storys!
     
  12. Burbot

    Burbot Dig my burdei

    im confuesed?
     
  13. littleskinny

    littleskinny Member

    yeah...isn't the whole point of the forum to leave feedback for each other...or have I had it wrong all these years?

    littleconfusedskinny
     
  14. Papillon

    Papillon Member

    Hello My name is Papillon I am an old hippie. I use to play music in the 70ties. I came back to thinking of myself as a singer song writer.
    I am also french canadian.
    I would like to work on a special project with some people and also share poetry and music on this forum.
    There are a few problems. I went traveling and got lost on the hippie trail for 34 years. Lived mostly in a bus. So I started writing songs in the English language.
    I have spelling problems now in 3 languages. French that I almost forgot to write. English my second language. Anspanish. So I am self concious of these weaknesses.
    I write mostly about revolutionary subjects. Stuff like the war in Iraq. The environment.
    I am looking for collaboration. Mostly because I feel that connection is the ticket for bringing the subjects I write about to the FRONT.
    I like rock jazz and these influence my music. But it is folk primarely since I play accoustic guitare with fingerpicking styles. I also like weird tunings like DADGAD and DADDAD.
    I have a very good Idea. Not about a song but about a philosophy. So I am fishing right now. Trying to hook insoired motivated people to be interested in that project. It is way too long for me to try to explain it with this post. I am also always on the hunt for collaboration in music. So if you are a musician, a producer of dreams and utopia and or someone that feels they would like to put heads with me and others e-mail me.

    I will post one poem song here and give a link to the vide .wmv of it to be listened to. This one is about Iraq. It is called headlines.

    song written by Papillon

    I Just need a little hope as I wander down the street.

    Kidnapped by the headlines that keep me on my feet

    Villains and vigilantes ride the same parade

    The media points the arrows and show who to invade

    Graffiti fills the walls they call it regime change

    The music just gets louder and sounding kind of strange

    Call it code orange an new world order western democracy

    When you got the power you can write the A B C

    ****************************************

    Have been part of those who’ve been lied to all their lives

    I just know by instinct to read between the lines

    Words from all these experts the generals and the knights

    All these high tech vandals who’ve never seen it right

    When it comes to bleeding I know who’s blood will run

    It’s not the first time they want some killing done

    They are thirsting for heroes they always know the facts

    With a simple speculation they can destroy Iraq



    *******************************************

    While uncle Sam keeps tabs and blinks at all our files

    Checking all our credits our mail and how we smile

    While machines just get faster better memory and cup’s

    It all feels like a nightmare in a NAZI zoo

    Meanwhile aids still kills thousands every day

    But that is so far might as well be the milky way

    Short attention deficit disorder affects 58 percent

    Most people don’t even vote for the president

    ************************************

    Meanwhile we see the victims very quickly on TV

    all that collateral damage keeps piling up you see

    Broken lives are harder are harder to repair

    Than bombing cities leaving orphans every-where

    If I was a child living in Baghdad

    They destroyed my school

    And then they killed my dad.

    Then I might differ in opinion deep in my head

    And one day drive a car with a dirty bomb instead



    ********************************************

    Children must worry as new enemies come to be

    Driven by their martyrs and leaders on TV

    Finger pointing experts and preachers of Jihad

    Singing to the masses in the angry ciudad

    If a secret deal was stuck in Athens or Hong Kong

    between a fanatic and some-one with a bomb

    Bigotry greed things you can’t ignore

    Especially when your leaders are marching you to war

    http://beadsongs.org/headlinestv.htm
     
  15. VanAstral

    VanAstral Member

    common sense, it's not
    so common in cyberland:
    a toilet flushing

    I'm also confused...
    does that mean we're related
    who lives in a tree?
     
  16. TattoedAquarian

    TattoedAquarian Senior Member

    Bah. I dislike this thread very much...
     
  17. coldsunn

    coldsunn Member

    ts thread was a good idea. I liked "A Whisper"

    "7 Angels"
    I set out from galio
    thats were I saw him thier
    the fog came down before me
    the air was barely thier
    shadows seemed to dance
    In a frightning kind of way
    he tried to invite me in
    but it was hear that i wanted to stay

    the first angel took me by the hand
    led me threw a road of stone
    I watched as they put scores on the beast
    burnt its flesh down to the bone
    the next two were like pools of blood
    killed the lives with a massive flood
    from the pool your lives I drank
    He said its what you and I deserve.


    Its sort of a biblical poem. tell me what you think. be honest. Its actualy meant to be a song, so keep that in mind when you write your review.
     
  18. freakoflove

    freakoflove Member

    Untitled

    I'm a failure at everything I do
    From sports to school
    To Tying my own shoe
    It's like I was put on the earth to waste away
    And never be known for one single day
    Am I just blind?
    Or is this the truth
    Oh sure I may be kind,
    but that'll get you no where in this world
    I'm beginning to see the reality of life.
    "Do good in school, study hard, go to college,"
    Just to make money, and maybe have a wife
    But wait, don't you see?
    I can't have a wife cause this fu*ked up country
    I don't know why I'm here
    Maybe I'll find out later
    But until that day I find my space
    I have to say
    I'm out of place
     
  19. freakoflove

    freakoflove Member

    I really like your poem, Winston Smiths Diary... It's really deep.
     
  20. roly

    roly Senior Member


    this is very emotional...and made me sad....its very strong and has the element of song to it...you are very talented for your age...(i kno that may sound patronising....but i didn't mean it to)
     

Share This Page


  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice