Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Levi, Aug 27, 2005.

  1. Levi

    Levi Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Geez. Where does this even go? A forum for women? Relationships? Drugs? I don't know.

    I have this long-distance boyfriend. Ten years ago I lived where he does. We split up, I married someone else out here where I live now, and after I divorced that someone else we hooked up again. My family adores him.

    I left my ex-husband 5 years ago and ever since shortly after that, this boyfriend has been talking about moving out here to be with me. There's always some reason why it can't happen, though. He helps his grown kids with their various problems, provides them with free childcare, etc. He has only come out here once to see me in those 5 years and I have gone back east once.

    So, he was supposed to come out here this summer, but his grown kids needed him and now he says it will be next spring before he gets out here. He is convinced that I will wait forever and ever because it's our destiny to be together. I have told him that there are just no dateable men that I know of where I live.

    Another huge problem is that he smokes weed daily. He has been doing that for decades. He's a Rasta from Jamaica and just thinks of it as something God gave him to get through the day. Before I had kids I did not consider this a problem. I stopped doing that when I realized that I was going to be a mom, though. Part of the reason I left their dad is because weed is the most important thing in his life. I am not totally opposed to adults smoking weed. Occasionally. But, I don't want to live with someone whose world revolves around it. I have kids now. I don't want someone's love of weed draining our finances, influencing who we, including my kids, can hang out with, where we can live, where we can go.

    I have been very upfront with him about this for a long, long time now.

    He called the other day and told me that he has to spend the winter in Jamaica to look after things and he can come out in the spring and 'take care of me' (his words). He said that if things work out he'll just move out here. He mentioned renting a moving truck. So I again said that he can't get red all day long in my apartment.

    I should mention that I live in subsidized housing because I'm disabled. My housing gets inspected. It can't reek of herb when the inspector comes.

    Well, he had a little fit. He said that he can't give it up. I am not asking him to give it up entirely. He said that it's not an option.

    This is all complicated by the fact that we have known each other for 11 years. I love him.

    So, anyway, he got mad. He made a choice. Cut back on herb and be with me, or stick with lots of herb. He chose herb. Fine. I can live with that. I would rather figure that out now than later.

    My mom asked me today if I had heard from him. My family LOVES him. I told her what happened and she got really mad at me. She thinks I'm stupid for worrying about too much weed.

    I think he's insincere if he says he loves me so much and he wants to marry me (which I am in no rush to do) but he won't even consider cutting back.

    My mom says that I would be better off with him and he's nice and everything. She says he could take care of me.

    I don't know what the hell to do. I know that I have been with a man whose world revolved around weed before and it really, really sucked.

    I also know that, aside from this issue, he does take good care of me. Even though I don't see him that often (which, truly, is OK with me at this point. I like my space. I just don't want to be strung along forever.) If I'm ill he sends me herbal medicine from Jamaica. When we are in the same place he takes care of everyone. He's mostly very pleasant to be with.

    I guess part of it is that after what I went through with my ex, I am afraid to get involved with a pot smoker at all.

    On the other hand, that's my main problem with him. Otherwise, we have a very nice time together and I've known him forever. My kids love him. When I don't talk to him for a while I really want to know how he's doing. He's never hurt me or threatened me like my ex did. 11 years is a long time. When other guys ask me out I find myself comparing them to him. When we lived near each other he took very good care of me.

    I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate it that my mom thinks she has any right to ask about him and get angry at me for not wanting to deal with that again. Her track record with men is nothing to envy...

    Thanks for letting me vent.
  2. dawn_sky

    dawn_sky Senior Member

    When my dad went thru that whole drug talk with me when I was a kid, he told me that the only thing bad about smoking pot (recreationally, not daily) is that it is illegal. Given more than a decade since then to figure out my own position, I have to say that I agree. You said that your apartment gets inspected regularly enuf for you to be concerned about the place reeking of weed. You also mention kids. That is a seriously dangerous situation. The daily smokers I've known did not just go out and buy dime bags, they tended to be in possession of legally problematic quantities on a regular basis. I have heard tales of kids being put into foster care because of such a situation at home. No, I can't document and don't know how often it happens, but your risk is higher due to the inspections.

    I also have been with a partner who smoked on a daily basis. I would never consider doing it again. If he can not get through the day without using a mind altering substance, he has a problem. What is wrong with him that he needs pot to mellow him out? Why can't he cope with life sober?

    On another note, how much older than you is he? You mention that he provides free child care for his grown children...

    And, of course, the fact that he has only visited you once and you have only visited him once in 5 years sounds to me like there is something off about this relationship. How long are you willing to wait, as something comes up again and again to get in the way of him visiting or moving out there? I'm currently in a long distance relationship, as I just moved away to start grad school while my bf finishes up... I can't imagine only seeing him twice in ONE year, muchless five! Why did you two break up before, when you were dating while living near one another? What is so different now? Of course, I don't really mean for you to answer those questions here, but it might be something to think about.

    As for your mom, tell her to butt out. This is not her life. Tell her straight out that if she cannot be reasonable and respect your decisions, you will no longer discuss your romantic relationships with her.
  3. Levi

    Levi Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Exactly! I think that my housing and the safety of my kids is important enough that if I was as important to him as he says I am, and if he wasn't addicted, he'd just understand and be reasonable.

    Before my mom pried I had no doubts or regrets about telling him to choose. She chewed me out, though.

    No kidding. Before I got with my kids' dad, I didn't even realize that people could get addicted to pot. I was so naiive. When I decided to quit, I just quit. Effortlessly. Their dad, however, told me when our second child was overdue that weed was more important to him than our kids. He actually said that. So, now I know that people can be addicted to just about anything. I just have no desire at all to go through that again.

    A lot older. That's another thread....

    Well, this might sound really weird to most people, but after my traumatic marriage, I am totally okay with being by myself. I mean, if he really expects me to wait around for him if I met somebody nice out here, he's nuts. I've told him that, but he's got an ego that can be seen from space, so he just believes that that's impossible.

    Regardless, though, I have been through so much shit that even after 5 years I value having my freedom and my space so much that I am very reluctant to get involved with anyone. Maybe that's what made the long distance thing more doable for me. Too much quality time gets on my freaking nerves.

    No shit, huh? I'm 32 years old. I didn't volunteer the information, either. She questioned me and had a little tantrum. She made it sound like I better get him to move out here because he can take care of me. I told her that I am not going to live with an addict just because he can drive. She got pissed and stopped talking to me for a little while.

    I also told her that I gave him a choice and he made his choice. I said that if I was really so important to him he would have moved out here long ago. Isn't it sad that she thinks I should settle for that?

    I'm glad that you replied. I really felt like I was doing the right thing for me. I wasn't bitchy about it. I just reminded him that that's how it is at my house and that he could come if he could live with that.
  4. Green

    Green Iconoclastic

    I'm sorry, thats too long to read right now.
  5. icedteapriestess

    icedteapriestess linguistic freak

    I totally get what you are saying. I don't think you are wrong in any way.

    I had a boyfriend once who smoked pot all day... our apartment reeked of smoke. I asked him to stop smoking it in the apartment (like, go out onto the balconey to smoke!) but he couldn't be bothered. So good for you for sticking to your guns and standing up to him about it!
  6. dawn_sky

    dawn_sky Senior Member

    As much as I am all for legalization efforts, I think that, in touting how pot has not been shown to be physically addictive, they too often fail to acknowledge that physical dependence is not the only type of addiction. Psychological addiction can be incredibly harmful as well. One of my uncles is a gambling addict (no physical dependence there) -- he destroyed his marriage over it, is flat ass broke because of it, etc. That split, of course, is what explains why some people can smoke heavily, then just quit no problem, but other people are unable to give it up without counselling.

    I guess the big question in my mind when writing what you responded to there was why you consider him your boyfriend instead of just a close friend. Honestly, it sounds like just being friends might not change much about your relationship in terms of talking, supporting one another, being there for each other, etc. (unless you're having wild cybersex every day!), while it might ease some expectations. Obviously, I only have a tiny piece of the puzzle, so I may be completely off. It's just that, well, you said it was shortly after your divorce that this guy started talking about moving out to be with you... Where was your time to just be single and focus on healing yourself, without having a romantic relationship to complicate things? Having a close friend to lean on is always a good things, but why move him forward to boyfriend so quickly? Again, just something to maybe think about...
  7. lace_and_feet

    lace_and_feet Super Member

    I have nothing to contribute to this...but man!--Why pay for a therapist when you've got dawn_sky? :p
  8. HippyFreek2004

    HippyFreek2004 changed screen name

    amen! Dawn_sky is one of those posters that I always expect well thoughtout, intelligent answers from. :)
  9. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member

    Levi Levi Levi, Honey. READ your post! You don't have a relationship, you have a wish.

    Have you seen the book "He Just Isn't That Into You?" I haven't read it, but I have seen the author on TV. If a dude is INTO you, he'll do anything to be with you. It is about womyn who WISH relationships were something that they can never be, because the dude they are WISHING about doesn't want what they want, nor does the dude care that she is unhappy. IF he was "that into you" he'd be with you. GROWN children can take care of themsleves It's an excuse.

    The excuses are just that. He DOESN'T want what YOU want. That should be enough to......this is hard.......make you see.

    Love is fine, but it needs CONTACT. He may love you, but not enough to make ANY changes in his life at all.

    You are an VERY intelligent womyn. SEE what is going on here. You have a pen pal, not a lover.

    You deserve better. Leave him with his pot and his grown kids. If he wanted this relationship, he'd be working on it, and he isn't doing ANYTHING.

    Case in point:
    So, his priorities are that your NEEDS are less important than his DESIRES. Baby, that's a clincher right there. He doesn't give a shit about you, he wants someone to support him while he gets high. He would risk a DISABLED womyn losing her HOME so he can get high all day? This is NOT a relationship, Levi. The man doesn't care about your needs.

    Please, you can have better.
  10. Levi

    Levi Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    I totally get what you're saying, but a big part of the reason he does not live here is because I won't let him. I have told him that if he really can't live without me and all that crap, then he can get an apartment near mine where he can smoke weed and have a TV in every freaking room, etc. I have been telling him this kind of stuuf all along. I have also told him that if its really nice to talk to him on the phone, but I'm not dead yet, so if he doesn't live out here he can't expect me to stay single if I meet someone I'm interested in.

    I didn't pursue romance with him or monogamy when I left my husband. I got in touch with all of my friends who I wasn't allowed to talk to when I was married. He immediately started talking all that crap and I actually said that I wasn't ready for that.

    I guess what I'm really just irritated about is that he has the nerve to get mad when I remind him that I am not changing the rules at my house. Keep in mind that I am not begging him to come out here. He is calling me with all these plans. Then, I felt really good about telling him not to come out here if he continues to get red. I actually felt trmendously relieved that he got pissed and decided not to come out here. What pissed me off is that my family got mad at me about that.

    I feel like my mom was implying that I should settle for a really shitty situation because I'm disabled. She basicly comes out and says just about that. She thinks that I should put up with him because he could drive me to the doctor and crap. I'm offended and pissed about that.

    After she chewed me out I felt a little bad because she loves him so freaking much. I'll admit, when there's a hurricane, I wonder how he's doing, but I am not sitting around wishing he lived here. That's one big reason why he doesn't.

    Thanks for letting me vent, though. I am just so offended that my mom is angry at me for avoiding living with an addict.

    I feel relieved that he's not coming here. I would much rather be single than have my life revolve around someone's habit.

    I feel much better just for venting.

  11. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member


    She's wrong. You deserve someone worthy of your love, and someone who will respect you, your home and your life.

    Blessings, sister. I hope you find peace. Your releif at his not coming is a sign you need to respect. It is telling you "NO!" A clean break is best. What is he actually offering YOU? Seems like not much.

    You don't have to settle for a loser because you are disabled, honey. Love will come. Don't become connected to emotional vampires.

    Love and kisses,

  12. Levi

    Levi Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Thanks, Maggie.

    That's what I was trying to say. I have been telling him for a long time that I don't need him to come out here and if he really can't live without me and all that crap, he should get his own place nearby. He's so persistent that it feels like harrassment sometimes.

    Then my mom pressures me.

    I feel like I really earned my freedom and my space after I got free of my abusive, violent, controlling, drug-addicted ex. It was really hard to do. I am not going to give that up just so I won't have to ride the bus and walk to the grocery store! (That's one of the things that this guy and my mom always try to persuade me with, that he could drive me and my kids everywhere.) I am so offended that my mom would say that I should settle for that. It's not just her, either. Other people in my life tell me that, too. It just really pushes my buttons.

    People just don't seem to understand that even after all this time, not a day goes by that I am not thankful that I am in charge of my own life. I have been through a lot.

    There have been other times when I stopped talking to him and my mom and brothers, but mostly her, guilt-tripped me, saying they missed him, pleading with me to call him. Not only does she think I need to settle for bullshit because of my seizures, but she also wants to have a house to stay at in Jamaica. So, I guess she would have no problem with me basicly prostituting myself so she could have a free place to stay down there. Real nice.

    Every time I stop talking to him I'm relieved. After all the crap I have been through, at least I have gained one thing. I am now really, really sure about what I don't want. That's a step in the right direction.

    In some ways my mom is a really cool lady, but sometimes I really question her judgement. One day a couple of years ago I was staying with her after I left my ex. I came home and her husband and the neighbor were hugging and laughing and celebrating. They handed me a bottle of wine, which is odd, because I'm not really interested in wine. I asked what the occasion was. It turned out that my mom's husband had made a deal with the neighbor, an illegal alien from Mexico, that I would marry him so that he could get his papers and my children and I would move into his apartment.

    I was furious, of course, that my mom's husband had sold me to the neighbor. I explained to those two morons that I was working very hard to get my own housing as soon as possible, but that in the USA, you cannot sell your stepdaughter to the neighbor. They did not understand why I was angry.

    So when my mom, who used to have a "I'd rather be fighting the patriarchy." bumpersticker, got home, I told her what was going on. She thought it was a great idea. She thought that I should be grateful that her husband had found housing for me.

    A week or so later she came to her senses.

    I should add, also, that this neighbor said things that made it very obvious that we wouldn't just be roommates. He expected us to be married and have babies, etc.


    So, yeah, I'm offended. I feel really good about just staying in charge of my own life.

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