values & relationships

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by kitty fabulous, May 23, 2004.

  1. kitty fabulous

    kitty fabulous smoked tofu

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    ok, i posted on the old forums about my marriage, and how it's going steadily down the toliet. in a nutshell, my husband and i have drastically different values, to the point where the marriage is crumbling. i'm not going to go into details again, but the situation is hurting me, and emotionally scarring my son, shedding his self-esteem. i'm in counselling myself, he won't get any. i've been asking him to go to counselling for years, i've given him ultimatums. still no counselling. recently we agreed to start seeing other people. i started casually seeing a male friend who may or may not be several years younger than me. now i'm really wanting more than friendship. we both hold some values that "mainstream" people find a little eccentric or over-the-top, and i'm amazed at our campatability. my kids adore him. recently he asked me if i thought my marriage was salvageable. i said no.

    my husband doesn't seem to be getting it, though. tired of begging him for counselling, and sick of watching him emotionally abuse my son, i started telling him i want out. frequently. he just keeps pretending nothing's wrong. he doesn't think i'll really leave, because for years i've been a full-time mother, and have no marketable skills. he doesn't see what's so important about shared values, in spite of the fact that the kids are getting mixed messages and we fight constantly.

    i really want to let this other person know how i feel about him, leave my marriage, and pursue a more serious relationship with him. i think that a relationship based on shared values has a better chance of making it. advice?
  2. mmelody

    mmelody Member

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    I had a deja-vu when I read your post. I stayed in a loveless and damaging marriage for the best part of 8 years desperately trying to make things work. Like you..our values and interests were poles apart and in the end it just disintergrated to the point where we were living together yet seperately.

    I too started to have a relationship with someone else and at the time felt that it was like an escape route. However this didnt work out and on reflection I wish that I had had the strength to leave the marriage without a third party influence.
    It sounds to me that you already know what you need to do in spite of the other person.
    If your son is experiencing emotional abuse at his hands then get out of there!!!!
    You deserve better for both yourself and your boy. It doesnt matter how much you want him to change...he doesnt want to.
    Three years down the road...I am financially and emotionally independant...its been tough at times but im proud of where ive come and my relationship with my daughter is wonderful. Her relationship with her dad is also much better because he actually has to make the effort to see her and I no longer feel the need to protect her from his bullshit.
    I am in a new relationship now, with someone who treats me like a princess and I really couldnt be happier.
    My advice to you would be to follow your heart, be strong and make some plans. You and your children deserve to be happy and that is entirely in your influence right now. Good luck.

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