Vaginal Atrophy Problem…

My wife had a hysterectomy seven years ago. Ever since our sex life has dwindled to non existence except for a few handjobs per month. She doesn’t have the hormones any longer that make her want sex plus when we did have sex it was very painful for her. I really don’t want her to go through a lot of painful medical treatment for this so I’ve told her that handjobs are enough. She’s been using different size dildos with vitamin E to help the atrophy. She’s gotten a couple of infections lately doing this. She’s still willing to try but I’m reluctant to asks her to continue it. I’m just not sure if I should let her keep trying treatment or tell her to stop and just do handjobs on me from now on. Any advice would be great!

 

It seems that you're both adhering to the "for better, for worse" vow you made to each other. Keep doing that. Still, I don't understand why your sexual activity is limited to two and only two activities: (1) her giving you a handjob; or (2) vaginal penetrative (PIV) intercourse. A hysterectomy doesn't involve the removal of the clitoris and it usually doesn't damage the tissues of the vagina that are proximate to the internal parts of the clitoris.

Even with her loss of desire, you should experiment. You should be able to bring her to orgasm through manual or oral stimulation with little or no penetration, and with little or no risk of UTI for her. That's just a start. How about mutual masturbation? You get yourselves off while facing each other, and then work on each other. There's a whole world of possibilities that do not require her hand(s) on your penis or your penis in her vagina.

Second, explore her arousal triggers. Even though she is no longer spontaneously aroused, there are still things that will likely trigger an arousal response in her. You just have to find them. For some women, it might be a certain scent, for others being kissed on the back of the neck, for others being kissed on the backs of the knees, and for others still watching you vacuum the carpet and wash the dinner dishes. Don't discount that last one - it's a powerful aphrodisiac for some. None of these things will trigger a UTI, and they can all bring both of your pleasure, as well as potentially getting her in the mood for sexual contact that is neither a chore nor injurious for her.

I can recommend a book that both of you should read. It's by a sex-positive author and geared to helping older adults, especially women, get the most out of sex while dealing with the kinds of limitations that show up as we age. Let me know, and I'll give you the author's name and book's title.

 

Thanks so much for the advice!

The challenge that I’m going to have is that my wife doesn’t want me to touch her vagina. On occasion she’ll let me touch her breasts and butt. She says she has no desire to be pleasured at all. I’ll continue to work on that for sure.

Pleas send the book info. I’ll definitely check it out! Thanks again!

 

The book is by Joan Price. It's titled: "Better than I Ever Expected, Straight Talk about Sex After 60." Even if neither of you is over 60, most of it would apply to your situation. There's a chapter on "When you or your partner can't" and "when to consult a physician or therapist." Everything other than a couple of chapters on staying sexy without a partner and getting back into dating would seem to apply to your situation.

Because your wife had gynecologic surgery, she has probably more than one physician who is very familiar with pain or loss of desire because of scarring, loss of self-confidence, or any number of other related problems. Her doctor may be able to recommend a couple's therapist (psychologist) who specializes in sexual matters.

If your wife has decided that chapter of your life together is over, that would be a difficult thing to accept, but accept it you must. The "for better, for worse" and "forsaking all others" vows are for life. The "to have and to hold" vow just means that there will be some sex, and there has been, so she kept that vow.

About 20 percent of marriages are sexless, none at the beginning of course, but probably a majority by age 70. I hope you don't end up there, but you would be far from alone. Just don't give up. Perhaps all she needs is time, but 7 years is a long time. Even if the two of you find yourself to be roommates who share their finances and have adult children together, I recommend that you resolve to be the best roommate you can be to her, and settle for a kiss and cuddle if you have to.

 

Good luck with that. Welcome to the largest non-exclusive men's club worldwide - the NESG - Not Enough Sex Group.

All that's on the table is a handjob?

 

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I’ll definitely check out the book! We’ll continue to work on this issue. It’s been 7 years since the surgery and just over 3 years since we’ve had intercourse. So, the battle goes on but we’re still really happy together. Her handjobs are awesome by the way!

 

I’ll tell her to change oil and maybe change to tools that she’s using. Thanks!

QUOTE="Percyjackson1790, post: 9374549, member: 317378"]If she is getting infections there is a reason why. The vitamin E oil or the dildo isn’t clean enough. She may have contaminated the oil or it may have come that way. Get a good quality silicone dildo and boil it to sterilize it and get new oil. Also try to get oil designed for this so the ph and all that other stuff is designed for the vagina[/QUOTE]

 

Yes. Handjobs and shower boob caressing is all there is!

 

I am 72 and I have also been struggling many years with this problem. I have a very good woman Gyno and I have been using Estradiol twice a week and learned that I have to use it regular as long as I want to be sexually active. I also use a good lubrication, long lasting Uberlube. My heart goes out to so many women withthis problem and the men who do not even try to understand. We want sex just as much believe me and get horney too. I also masturbate as much as i can to open up the vaginal area. A small size rubber dildo is good to get comfortable with. My heart goes out to your wife and you. I respect that you understand and are ther for your wife.

 

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Handjobs are not enough.

My wife would be blowjobbing.

Unless she's tired of having me for her husband.

 

Thanks so much for the advice! I’ll make a note of the lubes that you recommend and get her to give them a try. She’s willing to try and says that she plans to again soon. I’m giving her space and not pressuring her. Thanks again! Much appreciated!

 

Hi again, I do want to say that the advice I gave does work for me but if your wife still has discomfort then the other option is for you both to masturbate together. I bought my husband Lovense: FOR MEN Max2 and I bought myself Rose Toy for Women Sucking Vibrator. Just a few more options to help you both enjoy eachother. Love to you you both.

 

Check out "Foria" arousal oil for her - it's a CBD "enhancer".... not really a lube, but it is oily. It helps.

 

I’ll look into those as well. Hopefully, one way or the other we can finally begin to make some progress. If not, her handjobs are awesome and actually keep me mostly satisfied. Of course, I want more but I don’t want her to use hormones that could cause other health problems and pressure her too much. Thanks again for the advice!

 

My wife is in the same situation. I bought the Max2 but shredded it in 3 days due to my girth. Every sleeve I have bought does that.

 

Please let me know how the book checks out.Thanks

 

My fwb had a hysterectomy and fortunately for her she still has an insatiable sex drive. Still wet naturally and can cum vaginally multiple times as well as orally. My wife uses a lube and my fb also uses a lube. My wife has enjoyed me eating her and cums a few times that way and once vaginally and my fb multiple times. Fwb is 51, wife is 60, fb is 59

 

Strongly second the motion. I absolutely love doing that. The first time was so throbbing hot I masturbate to it to this day, even though it was decades ago.