Unwritten.. (Feedback Please) - It's only an intro, not full story :D

Discussion in 'Writers Forum' started by what2do, Feb 2, 2009.

  1. what2do

    what2do Member

    Chapter 1

    Have you ever felt that emotion in yourself where you feel as if you’re about to burst into a rage? Where someone has just pushed you too far and the limit was no longer bearable? All you wanted to do was lash out, you didn’t care who felt the pain, but you wanted them to feel the same pain that you felt. The same twisted agony in their heart, where everything they care about was ripped away from them in a matter of moments. Everything they worked for, everything they sacrificed, all to be taken away by someone who is so hateful, so perverse that not even themselves like what they have become.

    That is what I felt today. I felt it, not for the first time, but for the last. I had snapped, it was now truly intolerable. The fear with what I was about to do overwhelmed me, but my anger seemed to conceal it. My mind was set on what had to be done to stop what was happening. I couldn’t go on knowing that this was lodged into the back of my mind. I had been pushed too far this time.

    My eyes darted around my narrow, long, poorly painted room. The light above shined down, like a message from God. As if he too wanted me to do this. I needed a weapon, but not just any weapon. I needed an effective weapon, a weapon that would, and could do its job without much strength necessary. I didn’t have many possessions, but I knew what would be the most accurate. Glancing over at my drawer, an itching sensation came over me.

    This action I was about to persist was inevitable. Slowly getting up from my secure cushioned seat, I placed both of my hands on my nearby desk and looked forward into the dusty mirror. What looked back at me wasn’t me. It was a poor excuse of a woman. I had bags under both eyes and a black bruise to differentiate the right eye from the left eye. My brown hair matted in sweat and over the years I had slowly grown frail, and accumulated a vast amount of wrinkles around my cheeks. My pure white skin was no longer glowing; instead it was faint with strain. Looking down at my drawer, I slowly pulled it open and dug my hand in for my weapon. My hand clasped around the grip of the handle. I felt the power surge through me. This was it. It was my time to lash out.

    Chapter Two

    It had been nearly three months since I had been sober. The first few weeks were so agonizing that even Hitler himself would have admitted defeat. My entire body shook with withdrawal symptoms, my hands especially. I kept telling myself I needed just that little drop of whisky, just one little drop, and everything would be okay, everything would go away. I’d get as far as the whisky cabinet, and see him. His face stared back at me in an exceptional discoloured silver frame. His big brown dark eyes were what first attracted me to him. I could remember the first time we met like it was yesterday.

    The brightly lit hallway accompanied by the long white staircase gleamed in high fancy pottery. Dust collectors are what my dad liked to call them, but my mum was a stubborn woman, and what she wanted was what she got, especially when it came to decorating the house. The thought made me chuckle to myself. Slowly I stepped down on to the lovely wooden stair and held on to the white painted banister with my right hand to steady myself. After all, I was never one in the family to wear heels.

    “Amanda darling, you look exquisite!” My cheerful mother beamed while slightly clapping her hands together.
    I looked down at my baby blue prom sequined dress. I did indeed look exquisite. The crystal chandelier made my sequins sparkle and glimmer in the light. I felt like a Princess.

    I’m usually never one to brag about my appearance to people, but tonight was my night. I guess I was allowed to be conceited for one night, right? Carefully stepping down the staircase, the wide banister eventually revealed Marcus. His big brown eyes stared at me in amazement. He had never seen me out of my normal attire, which consisted of plain hoodies, jeans and trainers.

    “Wow, Amanda, you look amazing.” He whispered softly, still staring at me with his wide brown eyes.
    “Thanks.” I replied smiling, while reaching out to meet his extending arm at the end of the staircase. We both looked into each other’s eyes and locked arms. It felt like we had known each other our entire life, even though we had only been steadily dating for three months now. It was getting serious, and I felt as if I was starting to fall in love with him.

    “Come on! Come on! Smile now! I want to get a lovely picture of you both for the front room,” my mother interrupted, shouting happily. “Henry, could you pass me the camera dear?” My mother asked pointing towards the cupboard at the end of the hallway to her husband.
    “Yep, let me dig it out.” My dad replied while scurrying away to do what he had been told.

    “Don’t you two look lovely together?” My mum beamed, clasping her hands together and bringing them towards her lightly painted red lips.
    “Come on mum, it’s not like we’re getting married! We’re only seventeen!” I laughed looking at Marcus.

    I had no idea how he could put up with my family. His family was so different to mine. Almost as if we came from two separate worlds. His mum died when he was three, leaving his dad to care for a son by himself. It was hard on Jim, he had to struggle bringing up a small child and find time and a way to bring income into the house at the same time. His dad was never around much anymore. Now that Marcus was old enough to look after himself, Jim didn’t see the need in being kept a prisoner. Nobody knew what he did when he left the house, and Marcus didn’t really care. He and his father never really did see eye to eye.

    My family was the complete opposite. My mum and dad met in high school and have been together ever since. They got married after being together three years and then my mum fell pregnant at twenty. They say it was the happiest days of their lives. I was their only child, so pretty much anything I wanted, I got. I didn’t like asking my mum and dad for things though, it made me feel less independent.

    “There we go! One camera coming up!” My dad shouted, lightly tossing the camera to my mum who, by her rosy cheeks, was bursting in excitement.
    “Awe, don’t you both look so adorable! Ready? Say Cheese!” My mum squealed as she disappeared behind the digital camera.
    “Cheese!” Marcus and I both laughingly said together.
    Little did we know, it was going to be the worst night of our lives.
  2. *Heather*

    *Heather* Member

    ive felt taht emotion in myself...
  3. what2do

    what2do Member

    aww :( me too
  4. geckopelli

    geckopelli Senior Member

    You start to many sentences with "I".
  5. dirtydog

    dirtydog Banned

    The reader needs some who-what-where-when-why in the first couple of paragraphs. The setting needs to be established. After the reader has some idea of who the narrator is, maybe you can let your narrator start pouring out her feelings.

    You go very suddenly from a narrator in an angry blood-lust to a narrator meeting an attractive date and feeling mellow and romantic. You appear to have a time shift between chapters 1 and 2. Is chapter 2 a flashback to much earlier events?
  6. rambleON

    rambleON Coup

    what a bore. it's all about the first sentence, in which i didn't get past.

    and yes, needles to say, everybody gets into a rage.

    move on folks.

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