Discussion in 'Poetry' started by freedbypeace, May 11, 2004.

  1. freedbypeace

    freedbypeace A Woman Left Lonely

    I feel as if the world has turned cold.
    A human is an industry of wants and needs.
    When sales are high, the products are high;
    in popularity.
    The sales have taken a downfall,
    and I haven't any use.
    everything has eased its way away
    from me.
    I'm last month's jeans;
    yesterday's dinner;
    an orphan child;
    a fallen Autumn leaf.
    I'm a prostitute with syphilis:
    dried up and old with knowledge.
    I sell my life away,
    and for what?
    Irony controls everything.
    If I were to live no one would care.
    Why?- Because I'm unwanted.
    I'm a knock-off for $19.95,
    because I'm desparate.
    I've finished my search for individuality,
    but I am once again looking,
    for thoose who will give me love.
    My brain has disconnected from my body;
    including my heart.
    I've been traded in for a better model,
    and I have to face that.
    It's okay.
    I'm okay.
    I've been handed my death sentence,
    and I'm ready to take it.
  2. VanAstral

    VanAstral Member

    i hope yer happy soon.
  3. Incubus

    Incubus Banned

    VERY VERY gripping I love it, abosulty from the heart, if I could make one suggestion it would be to try and reduce the length but on in this case every line was fine and every word was heard lol bravo
  4. this is wonderful to read
    i love the way we can be anything and anyone
    you write so pure of thought with the rough
    emotion inside ..
    again very interesting to see apiece
    so open on this world and the human mind.
    love n peace from saff
  5. freedbypeace

    freedbypeace A Woman Left Lonely

    thanks all you guys. I was feeling really down and just wrote. Glad you enjoyed it.
  6. KittenX

    KittenX Purrrific

    I didn't care much for the last line, but the whole poem was captivating. Modern, lonely, desperate. I liked the juxtoposition of the real and the artifical. Enjoyed this piece.
  7. freedbypeace

    freedbypeace A Woman Left Lonely

    do you think it would be better if i edited that line out?
  8. KittenX

    KittenX Purrrific

    I think so, but that's just my opinion and unless you're really attached to it, you can ignore me. But "I've been handed my death sentence,
    and I'm ready to take it." Already seems like a good enough ending to me.
  9. freedbypeace

    freedbypeace A Woman Left Lonely

    No no not at all am I going to ignore you. I am open to suggestions and I see your point,...I think I will edit it now. :)
  10. lucyinthesky

    lucyinthesky Tie Dyed Soul

    agreed. the see you when i'm happy seems to induce pitty.
    i liked the 'im a knock off for 19.95'
    good shit.
  11. freedbypeace

    freedbypeace A Woman Left Lonely

    thanks sista

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