Unreciprocated Sex From Partner I Need Help!

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this site and I could really use some support. My girlfriend and I have been dated for about a year and 2 months now. I love her very much and would and do give everything for her.

We started being sexually active within a week of meeting each other. The sex was great and as we continued it got even better. She had been sexually assaulted so I was very sure to always listen to her never pressure her and I always put her first in everything especially the bedroom. She always orgasms multiple times and I give her oral sex every time.

Well it always has taken me longer than her to orgasm and a lot of times, about 66% of the time I don't. She started taking birth control but still insists I use a condom. That's okay, itll just take me longer to orgasm and I will need oral sex to climax. However, she doesnt enjoy oral sex. She says she doesnt mind but she never does it and when she does itll only be for about 2 minutes. I don't pressure her because when she was sexually assaulted she was made to give oral sex so I don't blame her. If I have to wear a condom and I dont get oral sex, then I will need to havr sex even longer to orgasm. However she gets tired after about 15 minutes and we have to stop. I have been watching porn and masturbating more, but that doesn't satisfy me. I don't know what to do. Ive had this conversation with her a couple times but it always eventually reverts back to the norm.

I guess Im just hurt by the fact that she isnt as invested in my pleasure as I am hers. I would not be okay if I always came and she never did, but I don't think that she thinks that its a big problem. What should I do i don't want to break up with her. Please help!!!

 

I'm sure she is a wonderful person, but you've been dating a year and change and already there's already incompatibility in the sex department. This isn't going to get any better with time, especially with oral sex for you - they either like to do that or they don't / won't - they're not going to learn to like it and it will always be a problem, especially with hoping for 'completion'. You've tried talking to her and letting her know how you feel and saying what you really need for satisfaction and it doesn't appear that your feelings are that important here - which could mean a few things, she just plain doesn't get it and you need to spell it out very clearly, or she just doesn't care as much as you thought she does and feels your job is to service her upon demand. You can't fix what happened to her, it's not your fault and it's always going to be lurking in her head forever. Bad sex, condoms and no oral sex in a committed relationship is a real deal breaker. Life is short, my friend. There are many happy sane women out there with ample sex drives. She needs to get some heavy duty therapy to get over her abuse and maybe after that she'll see the light. If you keep going like this, I can assure you it will become a tit for tat situation - oh you won't please me, so the hell with you, and it deteriorates from there. Seems you have some work to do. Try spelling it out, and if it doesn't sink in, cut your losses and quit. Cut way back on the porn, and concentrate on your feelings, not on what is perceived to be sex. Good luck!

 

Hmm. Well, your needs are important. And there's nothing wrong with expressing them. What to do about it is tricky. If she's just not interested then there is this incompatibility to deal with. It oral sex for her is closely emotionally associated with the assault and that still holds a lot of power for her, that'll take time and continued patience to work through. In that case, make the experience about her, not your needs. Go slow. Pressure (even perceived) will only make the situation worse. Maybe she'd let you just cum in her mouth to start? Or maybe there are other interim steps? Express appreciation for any efforts and expect set backs.

 

You've only been in this relationship for a bit over one year. Especially with a girl whose background includes being sexually assaulted, you need to be patient, even more so than with any other girl you might know who's never been in that situation, and continue to be patient for the rest of your fucking life should you choose to be with her for that long. I've been with a super sexually timid girl(though, I don't think she was sexually assaulted) in the past so I know a thing or two about this. You've been doing things right so far(I commend you!), so I say keep it up IF you truly love her and want to be with her in a long haul. Masturbation is your friend. In the words of the Stifmeister, "whack away Jim, whack away". Well, I see your username is at least not Jim, but you know what I mean, lol.

Having said all that, communication is a really really really important thing in ANY relationship. Please, at all times, make sure that BOTH of you are able to express what each of you is feeling. She's been through a lot, so maybe she's not as forthcoming in terms of expressing what exactly she wants, or how she feels about sexual intimacy in general. Take your time, and assist her in rebuilding her sexual appetite. With the kind of previous experience she has, it might take a long time. But if you truly love her then you can do it, can't you?

 

IF your car isnt taking you where you need to go, you get a new car.. ya can only repair it so much before it breaks down completely.

 

Maybe she'd let you just cum in her mouth to start?



I always like how Kerri thinks.

 

Hi All,

Thank you all very much for your perspectives and advice. I guess it wasn't a problem when I saw myself being with her for long haul. We have different cultures and her parents dont know about me they wouldnt approve of me if they did. I think my issue with the sex not being reciprocated is that ot reminds me of other things that I am being held out from. I've started to go to therapy myself to work this out in my head. I'm only three weeks in it but hopefully in time it will be improved. Im going to talk to her again tonight about it. My fear is that I've given so much to her that when she's eventually healed from her trauma I will be too emotionally and mentally exhausted to enjoy her. Only time will tell. Thank you all for your suggestions.

 

Do you lube the inside of the condom? If I'm using a dry condom I could go for hours before I got off but lube inside and out( a small drop goes a long way and for the inside I like to mix water or spit in it so it isn't so thick ) and after a few minutes the lube gets worked around just right and feels close to bare. Also suggest anal, no condom needed. If she doesn't like oral for long periods of time switch out for hand jobs.those are great to