Thought this may be a place for some perspective. My husband enjoys anal plawhether it be pegging or rimming he can have a great prostate orgasm. It has come out over the years that he has been pleasuring himself analy since a fairly young teenager. Claims to not be bisexual and only interested if I was involved but feel he would be enjoy receiving with the real thing if the chance were to come. The issue at hand though is dishonesty and what i feel is lack of respect to me. I have discovered he uses various items of mine from the bathroom to pleasure himself and it feels disrespectful not only for the hygiene reasons but because I found it continued after I have mentioned the hygiene issue and the hiding of it which bothers me. Mostly due to him denying these activities only to admit at a later time or if I show something to prove that he admits. Am I right to feel disrespected? It makes me not feel intimate enough to pleasure him in that way when he has to be dishonest about his private time. He says he doesnt admit at first as embarrassed. The dishonesty makes me question if I am getting the truth on his sexual desires/sexuality.
It’s possible that he is only straight even though he enjoys anal pleasure, but you could also be bisexual. How about him using your things, you have all you’re right and reason to feel disrespected after you told him not to use your things that way. Hopefully a good discussion would get some results and a solution.
So I'm a little hesitant to throw out marriage advice but I can give thoughts from my experience. I think there are two separate issues, the inappropriate use of your stuff as anal toys and your questioning of his sexuality. I use anal toys myself, sometimes with my wife, sometimes by myself. I would never consider using random bathroom items that were not specifically designed for anal play, mostly for my safety--the materials aren't body safe like a high quality silicone dildo/plug and they could potentially break. Imagine his embarrassment for a trip to the emergency room due to a broken brush handle, it happens. I think you have the right to be upset as well, especially as you had already discussed it. You mentioned pegging, I would wonder why he would not use that dildo for solo play. Perhaps the bathroom items have a particular shape that hits his prostrate just right. Maybe you could shop together for another dildo that would work the same. In terms of sexuality. . . he might not have disclosed the full extent of his anal play because of embarrassment or shame because he does not want to be seen as or think of himself as gay/bi. Straight men have an anus and prostrate that can be pleasured, just like gay/bi men, but they may view it as not masculine ergo the embarrassment and shame. Bisexual involves some level of attraction (sexual/romantic) to men and simply sticking things in your butt does not mean he's attracted to men in any way, he might just have an anal fetish. However, if he does have bi desires then an atmosphere of love, acceptance and safety are key to bringing that out. And it probably has to be on his terms, not something you ask out of the blue. I think most married bi-guys who keep it from their spouses do so because they are afraid she wont understand and may want to divorce and don't want to risk the rejection--providing a safe space is key. It's also possible he may be questioning himself. If he likes pegging, maybe he wonders how a real penis would feel and doesn't know what to make of it. Hope that helps!
Thank you both for commenting. I appreciate the incite. I do want to provide that safe place but the dishonesty is not helping with that. As a side note if I were a man who enjoyed anal play and pegging I would certainly feel like real penis would feel.so good.
I feel like there is always more to a story than can be adequately described here, not by any fault of the poster. It's just hard to understand both sides. It's understandable to feel hurt and disrespected, but on the other hand he has likely had a life time of shame and embarrassment surrounding this act. Speaking from some experience...I have had 15 plus years of anal masturbation and not a sole knows in my family and social circles. This would be mortifying to me, as such dildos and anal play has taken many discrete forms over the years for me. I wonder if he is still challenged by his shame and feels obligated still to have anal masturbation with non-phalic items. Advice is free but you have to have the hard conversations. Perhaps buy him some very nice dildos penis shaped ones and non penis one for the bathroom and shower, have them out in the open and for easy use. Make it a "safe option for him to explore" let him know he is not less of a man for fucking a cock in the shower. And that no mater what it looks like and even if your not the one using it on him, his sexuallity will not be judged by his play. Then set some boundaries. Don't mention "hiding it" or "hygiene" as some sort of cryptic code...gently but clearly spell it out "I don't like my brush up your butt, it's an unfair invasion of my stuff and it bothers me. I don't care about what your doing, I care about what your doing it with" Hopefully with reducing any shame he might feel, normalizing the act and access to better stuff, he will choose the proper toys. Because frankly if I am traveling solo and get to bust out all my toys in a safe place I would never...(ok likely never choose) a potentially unsafe random object over say...my gorgeous dual density dido that feel like it was made perfectly for its job. Which is to mount on a wall and fuck doggy style unto wild abandon. Hope this helps and good luck with your process. Let us know how it goes!
Thank you for the good advice. Sounds like a good purchase but also brings to light work needed on myself to not feel slighted if he chooses this route for enjoyment over me? Curious if you are partnered and if this is ever an iissue. I want to be comfortable that he can use private time like any other man does when jerking off and not have am issue but feel the hiding is making it a harder transition for me.
I don't feel he is being dishonest per se. Yes, using your personal items for pleasure isn't being ethical and respectful. I agree with the suggestion of purchasing anal toys for him to use so hopefully he leaves your stuff alone. But it is his private time of which he is embarrassed, even guilt ridden, to discuss. Along with that you made a statement in your initial post that he might like to try the real thing but only if your involved. He's not bi-sexual. He's just had a thought as to what it might feel like having another mans member anally. Husband is scared if that thought would become a reality and needs you there for security. He doesn't need his fetish to be admonished but supported. By you encouraging the use of toys and participating by pegging, he may come further out of his shell. Then he may be more comfortable around you when he desires to satisfy his fetish. Plus he's more likely to leave your personal items alone. As far as you feeling that he prefers solo anal pleasure over having sex with you I doubt that is the case. It's really two different things. Sex with you falls into the romantic realm even though you may pleasure him anally. Pleasuring himself anally fulfills a fetish easily and quietly. Don't feel slighted by him enjoying his fetish without you. It's nothing that you have or haven't done to him as he has been doing this long before you met. I hope I have been able to give you further insight into this situation with your husband.
Barry and others say it very well. He's similar to me. I've been enjoying anal play since I was young. I've always enjoyed sex in my relationships, but, I also enjoy my personal time with playing. It's just something different that I've done for 30+ years. Every partner I've had knew about it, and was fine with it. I never replace our normal sex and pleasures with solo play. I just find a time when I'm alone and do my thing. Occasionally sending a sassy picture to my partner. He definitely needs to respect your toys and keep them separated from his. Showing support for each other can make something that's been frustrating, a fun and enjoyable experience.
For sure if he is using your personal items up his ass - that is disrespectful, selfish and a jerk thing to do. FFS! Unless he is meticulously and thoroughly washing those items - of course poo molecules are all over it. More than likely since he cares so little for doing it in the first place, I highly doubt he is doing anything more than rinsing off in water.
I understand both sides of this story. How I've been playing around with things in my S for many years now too. My wife knows about it and has even participated with some thing's. Foot when I'm alone in looking for something new there's almost nothing off limits. If I think it will go in in feel good I usually try it. I do make sure to wash things off good and thoroughly afterwards though. The items can be anything from hairbrush handles bottles door knobs anything in the house. I've even gone to the refrigerator looking for things.... vegetables, fruits, eggs etc. I really horny me and will try about anything. That doesn't mean he disrespects his wife.
I'm the same way, I look at everything with the "Hmmm, what would that feel like??" thoughts in my mind. And when I go shopping at any store, it's the same way lol.
