Two kinds of "LOVE" which one is yours?

There are two types of relationships. The typical is deep emotional love by each party. This love is all emotion with boundaries. To me it is like being locked in an emotional prison. You are always skeptical about what the other person is thinking or doing or whatever.

I see these as usually falling apart after some time. If kids are in the mix life becomes even more fucked. This is an emotional love, an attachment with deep entanglement. This is an Adam and Eve love where one person sees the other as a half of them. If the half dies or leaves them they cannot go on and are depressed for life or until they find another.

The other which has been my trademark all my life is “attachment without entanglement”. This is where you live your life watching the other person live theirs. I don’t depend on them for my happiness. I am responsible for my own happiness and them theirs. I will help them in any way I see fit. I do not passionately say “I love you” while in the throes of sex.

One is emotional the other is unconditional.

Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying. Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

I went into both my marriages with an "unconditional love" mind set. The first wife gave up on it around 15 after having being together for 28. My present wife I went in "unconditional" as well and she'll by my last. We're both "givers" so it's a guarantee whereas my first was a taker and it simply took me 15 years to realize it but being a Penthouse Playmate I wasn't wanting to give her up (hot body, and great sex) until she helped herself to far too much money.

 

Indeed.
My son got married two weeks ago tomorrow.
Several months back they talked to my wife and I about marriage, not wanted to fail etc. etc.
And right along with what you are saying - I told them forget the ill thought out line "two people become one".
No.
You will always be two different people. In fact, I actually say when two people get married not only do they not become as one... they really become as THREE. The relationship itself becomes a living thing of it's own.
There are two individuals, and the relationship they share.
Three. Not one.

 

Its good to see like minded people living happy lives. Good for you.

 

Out fucking standing.

 

I feel that the guys and girls here on HF that share their spouses or partners with others have unconditional love for each other. They share because it makes them and their partner go to any extent to live their lives fully and they support them in doing that. If it were the emotional type love type there would be restrictions like jealousy, hate, resentment etc. What do you think? Am I right on or just twisted?

 

To me being jealous or having resentment isn't as much an emotion of love as it is a selfish emotion. Jealousy comes from not having what the other has be it a nice new car, fishing pole, or sex with others. Resentment comes from not being the one to provide the pleasure that your partner got from the other person. Hate is an entirely different emotion but is also about being selfish. You might hate that she had sex without your knowledge or participation. Or hate that your partner accepted the other cock readily because it seemed she enjoyed it more than if it was yours. You hated the act because it didn't include you thus it is being selfish. I agree with your first statement and feelings in the above response. Unconditional has no boundaries or controls placed on the relationship giving the partner free reign over their own lives.

The trouble with your initial input at the start of this thread is there is no emotional love. There cannot be any because love is an emotion. I think what you are describing is a conditional love where one partner wishes to own certain aspects of the other partners life. So they expect a boundary to be maintained and when their partner crosses that boundary negative emotions spew forth. These are security issues within ones self. This lack of control and the rejection of your control by the other partner leads to separation and dissolvement of the relationship. It has often baffled me as how two people can be so much "in love" yet hate each other by the end of the relationship. I believe the emotion to possess or own another person is the beginning of the end of a relationship. Wanting to love that partner unconditionally will enable the relationship to blossom and continue for . . . . . .

 

Your statement here confuses me. I absolutely enjoy these conversations. Therefore I need you to explain "The trouble with my initial input at the start of the thread". I am not sure of the point you are making.

 

Your initial statement "The typical is deep emotional love by each party. This love is all emotion with boundaries." is what I am referring to. Love is an emotion which is why I feel there cannot be emotional love. The love one displays for someone can be overly emotional, controlling, and filled with need. It is also a very selfish emotion. One borne from the lack of feeling secure in your life. But to truly love someone is to want to do for, be with, celebrate success, and console failure without ever needing control.

 

You said, “Love is an emotion which is why I feel there cannot be emotional love.” That is interesting.

Emotions are the product of thought. Thoughts form a continuous chain of feelings. You meet someone you “like”, that like turns into “love”. That love becomes mixed with jealousy because you saw her glance. Jealousy converts to anger so you confront her. She explains and you understand. Now you are back to love with happiness and some shame added. You see Jody jumping from her window one day now you are back to anger and the love is thinning. She can’t explain so now you hate. You think about hurting her but fear enters because of possible jail.

So in a several decade relationship whats tabled as an emotional takes on many faces, love can change over and over. Its an always changing chain of feelings.

I have a friend I have known for decades. No emotional love there and we remain BFF’s. We tell each other everything we’ve done and do on dates compared to an emotional love where that discussion is very taboo. My wife and I are BFF’s. So all that said, IMO there is quite a huge difference between loosing one’s self in an ocean of turbulent feelings vs. riding the waves and simply enjoying each other’s growth process.

Not trying to convince anyone just my POV.

 

I have the same relationship with my spouse. We do not have a sexual relationship anymore but I still hold her dear to me. We share what we want to share, what we can accept mentally, emotionally, we share. There are some things we do not share because one or the other does not want to know. It's protection from becoming insecure.

I love having sex. The knowledge of what sex feels like to me is an emotion within me. I meet a partner for sex and love that partner for the time I am with them. I feel for them and wish no ill will to happen to them in their lives outside of our time together. Beyond that I hold my love for them at that level. It is a love but not as deep as with my spouse. It is different. Different as with my children, mother, father, even the neighbor(s) of which I have a love for. So you see that I have mentioned many different kinds of love. More than the two thought of in the thread title.

 

OK I may be crazier than a shit house rat but here goes anyway.

IMO the way the human mind functions is a very interesting subject. Thru the years I have read many near death experiences. Even though they vary somewhat they are very much the same.

The common thread is that the person’s consciousness (or ethereal body) is away from their physical body (religious people call it the soul) and from that view can see the activity occurring around it. This has interested me since childhood. This smacks of the common denominator in Eastern Meditation of which I am deeply involved.

In (most Eastern) meditations the person’s his ethereal body separates from his physical body and thinking mind. In this state he simply exists. This is the peace and calm and bliss in which Gurus etc. can remain for extended periods of time.

In the Western world people meditate for a few minutes of bliss and bam, they get right back into the depression, anxiety and turbulence of their daily human routine and need a drink or a pill to deaden their negative senses (happy hour).

It is in our culture that people are led to pursue happiness. Why? Because as a human being one always wants better and more. That’s fine everybody is human.

This other unconditional love that I speak of, IMO can only be fully understood when a person sees and lives his human life from the vantage point of his ethereal body. From there he sees all of mankind as 100% equal even the bad guys. He kinda floats above it all. Here there is no fear. He knows his body is a temporary accessory for a short time but his ethereal body has no end.

Rather than being tossed and turned by the usual human emotions one can watch and direct his human in all activities. In this state of mind the senses are elevated far above the emotional turmoil of the human. This is where one WATCHES the “love emotion and the chain of other connected emotions” of their human, rather than being tossed by it during the life process. Like a surfer surfing the waves.

People go thru life engineering their world to produce happiness. So their happiness is very situational. When one engineers their internal understanding of themselves then whatever happens in the world is never upsetting. This is unconditional love. I have experienced both. This by far, far, far allows for a totally blissful life.

Please don’t shoot it’s only my opinion.

 

If you feel that you’re in an emotional “prison,” that person probably isn’t right for you. I don’t see my husband as needing to fulfill every need I have, it’s not realistic. Nor does he. And that’s not love, in my opinion. You can be deeply in love and committed, and with the right person, it will feel more like a partner in life than remotely a prison. I think relationships can become prisons if there are unrealistic expectations from either person going into it. Guess we’re all different in how we see love.

 

Like anything, I think you can find a hybrid of this. This is just my opinion but there is a spectrum of relationships that can fall on either end, in the middle or favor one of these sides. I 100% agree that you are responsible for your own happiness. A special person can add on to that happiness and make you feel even better. All in all, you are individuals as part of a team (I'm a sports guy if ya can't tell). My wife is free to do what she wants, as am I. We trust. We have similar interests. We have different interests. We have mutual friends and also get together with friends separately. At the same time, there is a very deep love on both sides. I miss her when she's gone. She just mauled me like a wild animal when I got back from 2 days away. Lol. But, we respect that we are our own people and neither of us try to change that about one another. She's different from anyone I've ever known or been with and that's why I married her.

 

Someone asked me when was the exact moment I fell in love with my wife of 20 + years. I said, "If I allowed myself to fall in love we would lose what we have."