My wife of 20-years and I went through a rough patch that lasted about three years. She had become an alcoholic and I did little, but condemn and judge. We nearly divorced and towards the end, she even took on a boyfriend. We've since resurrected our relationship and she's gone to rehab. She deeply regrets the infidelity and honestly it still bothers me with some regularity too. It's been a year, but it's still a problem. Her solution is for me to have an affair. I asked if she just wanted to bring another woman into our bed, but she insists I need to do it alone first, before a potential threesome. She believes I'll better cope with her past transgression and she'll feel less guilty. It's gotten to the point she constantly brings it up. Almost like a chore I keep falling to complete. Here's the issue. I haven't been with another woman in decades. I have zero interest in a prostitute and absolutely no clue how I'm supposed to pull it off. Ask random women whenever I'm in public? A dating site? I find none of this appealing, but see women all day every day I'd like to use my "hall pass" on. Any ladies or guys have any advice on getting this done. In a perfect world, I'd not only find "the one", but she'd subsequently be interested in joining my wife and I too. High-class problems, I know...
I have no personal experience here, but from what I have read, revenge sex does not make you feel better. It appears that you are not excited about finding another woman for sex, and the objective here would be to ease your wife's guilt. Easing your wife's guilt is not your job. On the other hand, if you simply want to have a FMF romp with your wife, then ask her to convince one of her friends to join you two.
That's probably good advice. I'm all about the FMF, as we haven't done it since before we married. Biggest issue with revenge is I'd be mortified if my coworkers/ family/kids found out. Always kind of taken pride in being faithful to my vows.
This is an amazingly bad idea! In the spectrum of bad ideas, this shoots off the spectrum. You already had issues with communication and trust in your marriage. It sounds like you grabbed a hold of this and have managed to get past it to some degree. This will add just one more rift in your relationship. I also wouldn't recommend any threesome/swinging activities right now. You need to rebuild the mutual love and respect for each other. You both need time to heal. Think about the old adage... two wrongs don't make a right. There is no good that will come of you using a hall pass.
Joey I just love your honesty and taking pride in your faithfulness! From a ladies perspective I do wonder if your wife is just saying this so that she feels two wrongs will make a right.... it won’t! Stick by your values there are not many men like you around x
All of the answers previously posted indicate correctly that you need to adjust your thinking. I'd also add that a "hall pass" is not an assignment that you complete a task, but rather consent from your spouse should you care to do something. I've heard of such consent being time-limited, but never mandatory-use. Even if you previously went to couples counseling, which you probably did or should have (alcoholism, infidelity, nearly divorced), find another counselor and plan to go a few more times. If you are to remain married, you should at least get out your marriage vows, look at the part that says "forsaking all others," re-write them according to your current commitment that will apply going forward, and each keep a copy of what you agree to. You have thrown your old agreement out the window, without replacing it with anything new and mutually agreed upon. Trust is the lifeblood of any relationship, and without a clear and explicit agreement shared between the two of you, there is no basis for trust. You may know what you agreed to originally, but that is clearly no longer in effect, and you have no agreement now in place that you both can point to as the basis for trust. Talk it out, and write it down. If you can't come to agreement on any new framework, and you're clearly not in agreement now, then what's the point of remaining married? Not every marriage is salvageable or worth saving. A counselor can help you find the path forward together, or separately, as the case may be.
You know I passed through such a period in my life. I have had a very toxic relationship. I started to drink because like this I was able to forget about my problems. When we were drinking we were really in love and everything was perfect. Thanks to my friends and family I passed over this. Somehow they found these guys Are You Looking for Drug & Alcohol Rehab Options in Cardiff? who helped me with my problem. They showed me that it is not normal to feel happy only when you are drunk. I learned how to love myself and now I'm free. Try to love and find yourself and after that, you will be able to see a woman.
Don't do it. I think her offering a hall pass is two fold. First, she's trying to make you feel better about her cheating. Second, she's using the offer as a test. If you take the test, your wife will use it against you and you'll end up in marriage hell or divorced.
I disagree that you having an affair to be even will make it better. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t but in the end it still bothers you that she cheated on you, and who knows, you might feel bad about doing it. Because of the circumstances. Or maybe you will meet someone and you will enjoy the experience. I am not good at finding someone in person so in my case I would go on a site and make it clear what your intentions are as a man and as a couple
