"Traditional Marriage"?! Not for me!

exactly...

 

I know that things are gonna change as life goes on, and I know that there is always a chance that this might not work out. I know. I never said that I knew everything about marriage. And I never said that everyone who responded said that life stopped after marriage. It was an example of how I felt people were making marriage sound. I must sound terribly irresponsible and naive about all of this...but you know, this is my first time being married. A wise man once said, "True wisdom comes from knowing the extent of one's ignorance." Well I'm ignorant about alot of things, and this included..it appears. All I wanted to know is if David and I can't just be together, enjoy life, and everything else before settling down, having kids, etc. That was my question. Yes, I know that there will be bills to pay and all that great crap. Yes, I know that things are going to change because we are married and have an obligation to eachother for the rest of our lives. I know I know I know I know. I either wanted to validate what my sister said or disprove it. Again, she made it sound like we can't party or do anything after we get married, and I wanted to know why we couldn't do that. The surgery was an issue of my sister's, not me.. I know that it'll change things in my life, but not my relationship.. except in area of sex, probably. He has always loved my body the way that it is.. which is another thing I love about him. He is lover, and my best friend. Not just my fiancee.

Alrighty then. Thank you to those who were tolerant of my questions, and gave me good advice, and wished me well. And a special thank you to the person who said it seemed like I had a good head on my shoulders; I'd like to think so too.

(And the thing about fun, and making you think that people aren't ready to commit to adult life? Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe he isn't ready. Maybe no one -really- knows when they're ready. But I don't see how "fun" can be translated into irresponsible, wild, stupid actions. I want to go to the clubs with my husband, I want to go on road trips to Arizona and New Mexico with my husband, I want to go to nudist resorts with my husband, and I want to go to places I've never seen before & experience how other cultures live - like Native Americans reservations, etc. - with my husband. Thats my idea of fun.)

- Edit - I'm sorry if I seem frustrated; I am. Today hasn't been a good day, and many posts of mine have been slammed by people who aren't grasping the big picture...and that is also taxing on my patience. I need to go meditate. But anyways...I shouldn't have only thanked those who agreed with me, because I know that all of you have good intentions, and I really appreciate it. I've just never enjoyed being told how I should think, or how I should view something...and this case was no exception. I apologize for any rudeness or negativity that I may have expressed. Thanks.

 

#1 when you post on a forum you're going to have people disagree with you. That's life. No matter what you believe someone is going to disagree with you. If you can't handle having people disagree with you then why are you posting on here?

#2 I don't think anyone is trying to discourage you from marriage or is telling you that marriage isn't fun. Marriage can be wonderful and fun. But a lot can go wrong. You don't get a manual when you get married. Its not easy; it requires work no matter how much you love someone. And at your age you probably haven't had the chance to learn those needed skills. I think everyone who has posted is just trying to share their wisdom. That's all I've tried to do. I got married and divorced young...and I learned a lot from it. I'd hate to see any other women go through what I did. So, I'm just trying to pass on what I've learned. Do yourself a favor and really think about what everyone has said, even the people who have disagreed with you. It will do you well to learn all that you can about marriage before you venture into it.

 

As for your #1, I know that. As for your #2, thanks.. I understand what you're trying to say.

 

i'm glad you're waiting a while longer, because a LOT is going to change in the next few years for you. i was with my ex for 8.5 years, and at the end of the 8.5 years so much changed that we were no longer compatible as a couple. it's not a gaurauntee that it'll happen to you, but the odds are pretty good, especially after your surgery. these things happen, people change so much from being a teenager to being an adult. i wish you luck.

 

This is exactly why I don't think you are ready. You said this is only your first marriage and you know that it might not work out. That says that you know in the back of your mind if it isn't how you wanted it, you will just dispose of it and get a divorce. That is EXACTLY what I thought. Whether you want to believe it or not, I WAS you at one point. What I don't understand is why you can't do whatever it is you want to do with David, and not be married. If you want to party with him, pay bills with him, do whatever the hell it is you want to do, why do you have to be married to do it? What exactly are you trying to prove by getting married.


And your fiance might not change his opinion of you after your surgery, but your opinion of you and all of the guys ooogling you, which you might not be used to at this point is going to change things. And it very well could make him jealous or posessive (might not). I know after I lost 100lbs, that men were hitting on me left and right, regardless of the fact that I was married. And they had much more to offer than my ex (no not money, they were intelligent and I could get along with them and have FUN with them). That is why I think it could be an issue.

Sounds to me like your sister has a good head on her shoulders. You are lucky to have her looking out for your best interests.

I too got married very young and divorced soon after. I did learn much from it as well, but I wish I had known and had people tell me this before I did it. If anyone in my family stopped me from marrying my boyfriend now, I would seriously consider what they are saying, and most likely take their advice. Now I know that when it comes to love, sometimes your vision is a little clouded. When I get married though, my biggest concern isn't how much I will still be able to party.

 

it's just kinda eerie how similar our situations were. i lost 60 pounds, which on my tiny frame adds upto quite a lot. i thought som and i were for the long haul. we were best friends, confidantes, great lovers, all that. we'd been together so long and we did so well together that it was assumed we would forever. the funny thing was that it wasn't the dramatic change in my appearance that hurt anything, we breezed through that. but the change it wrought upon my psyche and the inevitable growth i experienced in my early twenties brought an end to som and i.

 

You are eighteen and have a lot of living in front of you. You will change and grow and mature. This doen't mean you stop living it just means you will have another perspective as you get older and more experienced. Listen to your older sister, she obviously cares about you and wants you to be happy. I have had some bad experiences with marraige, parents divorcing and so forth. I am married now with two kids and I feel stuck and hate it. It only took me about ten years to realize I was not on my spouses list of people to consider. I would not want to be eighteen again but freedom sounds good to me right about now. Sorry don't mean to be a downer. I always thought if a relationship ends then why should it be considered to be a failure? Look at it as a learning experience and move on. Why are grown people so childish when it comes to endings? Because they are. Then again, if you never fall in love and get married what else are you going to do? You've got to listen to your own heart and make your own decision but your sister does speak from experience.

 

I love the way that you guys are backing up my older sister. I know it isn't your fault, because I left out quite a bit about her; as I was only trying to explain the conversation. First of all, she has self-esteem problems and thought she'd be together forever with every one of her serious boyfriends. Secondly, the guy she's married to has beaten her, ran off with some floosy and left her with their two children, and denied those two precious babies. He came back to Indiana when money tapped out to "try to make things work", and stupidly, she has believed him...and instead of getting a divorce, they are now back together. I'm not saying anything bad about my sister, but I tend to not take alot of relationship advice from her. I love her dearly, but men have a hold on her that I cannot relate to, because I take no bullshit from guys. We are very different in that aspect.

I don't think that Dave and I have to get married. It is not necessary, and just because I said "maybe" I'm not ready for it is because I was trying to make a point. I don't think anyone knows when they are ready. I didn't know that there was a list of characteristics that'll let you know when you are, but apparently, I don't have them. Cool, fine, whatever. I'm trying to agree with you people on some things but you seem to find a way to have a problem with that too. Divorce is not something that sits on the back of my mind...and I'm not so stupid to think, "Oh well, if this doesn't work out, we'll just break up, get a divorce, etc." I said, if it doesn't work out - it just doesn't work out. If there is a specific problem, we'd solve it. It if isn't solveable, well hell, whatever happens, happens.

As far as the surgery, and other guys oogling me...well that may happen, too. But I don't like shallow people, and if they aren't the guys that would've dated me when I was fat...I am not going to give them the oppertunity to date me while I'm thinner. If they are, they've come a little late for me.

For once, I would like someone to think of me...not as a stupid, naive 18 year old who just can't wait to get hitched to some random guy when she has 'her whole life ahead of her'. I may be naive in some ways, and yes, I am 18, but I am a pretty intelligent girl. We don't have a set date to get married. We don't even have a set month. All we have is the year. We plan to live together and plan the wedding, think about the future (college, work, etc.), and things like that. We're not diving into this head first. We have time, and lots of it. I'll be almost 20 months post-operation by the time we start planning the wedding, also. And this isn't a guy I met last week. I've been with him for 6 years.

But I understand what you guys are saying, and where you're trying to come from, and everything in this post is going to be ignored except what you can pull out and use to prove me wrong with. At this point, I'm willing to stay engaged forever just to avoid the criticizm and the lectures I'm recieving from everyone. I know most of you mean well, and I appreciate it. I'm content with the decision David and I have made, and we have plenty of time to figure out if we are gonna go through with it. Thanks.

 

Alrighty. I never said that I HAD to be married to David to do those things. And I really don't appreciate being attacked for things I never said. I'm trying to PROVE something by getting married? No, I'm not. To who would I be proving these things to? My mom? She's the only one I have to answer to, as far as I'm concerned, and she supports me.

You're right, this could very well be an issue. But as I said, I could not date a man who has reserves about dating fat women, even when I did lose my weight. I have principles. David isn't a jealous person. I have guys hit on me as it is, and he takes it in stride. He says he doesn't blame them. And, he knows they can look all they want, but touching is a different story. But, what the crap do I know...you could be absolutely right.

Although I stressed it in this thread, that isn't my biggest concern, either. My biggest concern is quite personal...so I'm not going to indulge, but know that my mind isn't just set on partying. You make my wanting to still be able to enjoy life sound like such a bad thing. Alot of my friends have gotten married just within this year, and I've seen first-hand how a relationship suffers when people are not themselves and don't do things together anymore. I smell divorce every time I look at them. Which is one reason we plan to carry on the way we always have until we have children.

But, alright. Its obvious that your opinion is going to stay the same and I'm pretty much wrong no matter how I go about this, or try to explain myself. Thanks for giving me your advice...believe it or not, I've listened.

 

I was going to erase my previous posts, but I'll leave them up there for some food for thought, I guess.

I just wanted to say that I was woken up early this morning, and I'm grumpy. I haven't had a pleasant week. I could argue this issue until I'm blue in the face because I'm stubborn like that but its obvious that its futile; there will always be someone to argue back.

So if it makes everyone feel better, I've decided to wait. It will probably piss David off that I'm putting the marriage off for a while on account of some folks that we've never met before, and my sister, who has never met him...But although I don't think the surgery will effect me, I could very well be wrong...and I want to see how things may change before we make this commitment. But that is the ONLY reason why I've decided to wait. Our relationship is great, and I love him more than anyone could possibly understand...given our past...and we will remain engaged to be married, but 2006 may not be the year. Thank you to those who weren't jumping down my neck about this...and thank you to those who were, because that's probably what wore me down. (don't be so harsh next time, though, crap! )

Peace & Much love.

 

i'm not trying to attack you at all, i'm sorry if it felt that way. but our situations were so incredibly similar that i felt i had to say something. but you shouldn't resent the voices of experience, though, being 18, you're bound to. (just threw taht in to ruffle your feathers we do have a few more facts under our belts, which is a valuabel resource. i don't think you're stupid or that your man isn't good enough for you, but age does change quite a lot.

 

I didn't think you were trying to attack me...you were quite nice with your posts. And I didn't resent anything I was being told, or the people who were telling me these things...I just resented the fact that everyone seemed to be making assumptions about me, my life, and my way of thinking.
You're right, you may have quite a bit of experience, being old and everying p *ruffles back!*)...but I've always been very mature for my age and I thought (and still do think) that I can handle it. But who knows...our destiny isn't laid out for us, it is within us and our choices...and people change all the time.

 

yeah, ancient ones such as myself have SO MUCH TO IMPART. lol. but it's amazing, sometimes people with the worst track records can give the BEST advice. give your sis a chance, too, because she loves you. i heard once that a smart person learns from their mistakes, but a wise person can learn from the mistakes of others.

 

LoL.. I'll bet! As for my sister, I have already learned a great deal from her...not from the advice she gives me, but from watching her life and her actions. I know she loves me and means well...and I love her too. But I can't take advice that well from someone who cannot listen to the advice of others; and that is Sherry, all over. I understand what you're saying though.

 

lol. you really need to pm me sometime, we should chat. you sound so much like me that it's kinda eerie. i think you'll do just fine.

 

Bella,

Hey chickie! I read your post where ya said you decided to wait.......course been reading all of the posts here! Giggle....Just wanted to say........I am glad to hear it....and sorry if you thought I was one of the ones being "harsh"...lol. Still wish you much happiness!

Hugs, Sunshine & Smiles!