I'm tortured by voices,both real and imagined.Sometimes it feels like the whole world is screaming at me.Voices are usually disparaging put downs.It's no wonder I can't concentrate on anything and find solace in drugs and alcohol.I don't know what I have done to deserve this.Depression has become the acceptable face of mental illness,but paranoid schizophrenics are treated like social pariahs.I'm not insane.I try desperately hard to understand the reality I am faced with.Sometime it's hell.I want nothing but this pain to end.Gotta keep on keepin' on though.
if you haven't... i would speak to a professional. sounds a bit shit.. hope you will be ok in the end. i suppose when i have been down in life... its because i'm afraid of the drastic change i ultimately need. but thats me.
Hey Fairlight, sounds like you got some struggles, you know the drugs aren't helping right? They're gonna bring about and exacerbate the symptoms. I can't imagine how difficult it must be though. Have you thought about meds? I know they have some bad side effects, guess it depends if the distress you feel outweighs them. Hope you find some rest.
Thanks.I'm on meds - Olanzapine and Citalopram - and have support from services.Olanzapine is for the voices and is an "atypical" anti-psychotic with relatively few side-effects,just slight weight gain and tiredness,which is probably a plus as without it I hardly eat or sleep,and the voices are much worse.Citalopram is for depression and anxiety,again relatively few side-effects.I was due to see my dual diagnosis worker today,that is someone who works both with mental illness and intoxicant abuse,but rescheduled for Friday,as I just don't feel like going out today.
Okay dope.I get it.Your implying that as I am schizophrenic,I don't know which of my "selves" is hearing the voices.I would reply that the voices are experienced by my mental continuum which exists in my one brain.
What I see: You had an appointment but rescheduled it, yet you'd still like to engage and discuss. So you're here instead of there. That tells me that they're failing you or that you're not getting your needs met with them. That's something I understand. As for the put downs, human beings behave that way in real life. People can be abusive, verbally and emotionally. Abuse is harm. Can be damaging. The negativity gets internalized. It is never easy to live with abuse, no matter if it is internal, external or both. For some reason, I don't know yet, I find myself wanting to suggest to you to clean all of the windows in your home and bless your doorways. And also, if it's something you can do, get some brand new pillows. These are symbolic rituals but they can cause an inner shift, ELEVATION. Lift your spirit. The higher, the better. If you decide to do any of those things, it could help to listen to this (or something similar). And if you find that something in your inner space wants to shit on what you're doing, try laughing. Instead of intellectually fighting with it, try to just laugh. That way, your laughing will keep your own energy from turning negative (which feeds the mental parasites, they love negative energy). If you to go to the YouTube page of the video below, you'll find a bunch of other similar sounds to choose from, in the side bar. http://youtu.be/F_7f14NkOyU
p.s. gotta take my own advice, haven't lifted a finger in days. And I feel like crap today. So I'm gonna go be a bumble bee and do some stuff. And burn some incense, too. And drink more water (oops, I'm slacking again).
Faerylights, is there a way that you could arrange online discussion with your dual diagnosis worker when you really can't go out? I'm guessing that it wouldn't be as good as a face to face visit, but maybe it would be helpful occasionally.
That's a good idea expanse. It sounds like you have put everything in place, am sure it's not easy but you are on the right track
Yes symbolic rituals like cleaning,burning incense and trying to give yourself pleasant things...All very good.I do actually need to clean and tidy my room.I'm sure that would help me to feel better.My dual diagnosis worker is actually really nice.We spoke on the phone and she was concerned,asked me if I felt like harming myself.I said no.I'm trying to come to terms though with the realization that traumatic events in your life leave an indelible imprint on your mind and nervous system.It's not always possible to simply "take a new leaf",as it were.Yet I keep trying.Thanks for your support Sheela and expanse.
Sorry to hear that this is going on. Meditation/ deep relaxation might help. Chinese medicine/ acupuncture might help you too. This can be expensive though. I think that there may be some student clinics around London that could give you a good rate.
Sure isn't a cure-all but I do find it to be effective. I hope they're working with you about the trauma stuff. I always found that psychiatry / the mental system is a control and conformity system. And that they actually obstruct and prevent real work from being done, in order to instill their version of life onto others. My "opinion" in this regard is not rare or unique. Many people have had no good experiences with that world. If it isn't working, why do it? I know you said you didn't feel like going, but it just makes me wonder if it isn't because they're wasting your time. That superficiality thing. They believe in the medical model, so to them, you're a brain. I don't believe in the medical model. But in any case, I do hope that what's right and good for you happens for you.
I totally agree. Reminds me of Dr. Drew especially, followed by Dr. Phil, never mind Dr. Laura lol. Dr. Phil is all about conformity and shaming people into being "normal." Dr. Drew is all about the brain, like men have this type of brain and women have that type of brain, so if you're a man or woman, this is how you're expected to act. I recommend a book called Talking Back to Dr. Phil. Just google it and it will take to you to the psychologist's website. Dr. David Bedrick talks about mainstream psychology and how it's all about "fixing" you, and about coersion and conformity and shame/blame. He practices love based psychology, which is about natural diversity and autheticity and love/acceptance. For example, a client who always procrastinated and read a bunch of books on how not to procrastinate, which didn't work. He discovered that at the last minute, he has a burst of energy and creativity that allows him to do his best work. Another example: a lawyer who couldn't concentrate. Turns out his work didn't nurture his passions which is why he wasn't really into it. Another example: a binge eater who ate lots of bread for 30 years. Turns out he had always told himself to accept his life as is but he wanted more. He wanted a life "as delicious as a perfect piece of toast" lol. So he started living intensely and his eating habits changed. If you want to make this guy your therapist, he charges $120 per session and I think he takes some forms of insurance.
You don't sound schizophrenic at all. I suffer from depression and addiction and alcoholism myself ; ( *hugs*
If you hear voices that are judging you, then you are schizophrenic. Do you meet 2 of these 5 criteria: 1. hallucinations (yes) 2. delusions 3. grossly disorganized behavior 4. grossly disorganized speech 5. negative symptoms (such as blunted emotional expression) I am sure there is a state-funded mental health facility in your county. Call the appropriate government department if you don't know where that is. They can get you on medication if you need it and want it. I choose not to take any because of the side effects. They can probably direct you to a discount pharmacy as well. I don't "hear voices," but I do have other symptoms. If it's combined with a mood disorder, then you might have schizoaffective disorder. Have you ever read the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders? You can get an MRI done for about $250 to see if you have structural abnormalities in your brain. Do you have any family history of schizophrenia? (if you even want to share that information). Also, schizophrenics are more prone to addiction because it involves the same dopamine receptors in the brain. You could look at the wikipedia of "mesolimbic pathway" and "mesocortical pathway" if you would want to. If you feel like hurting yourself, please check yourself in somewhere. It's not worth it. There is plenty to live for. I have schizoaffective bipolar myself. I don't hear voices that judge me, but I feel a "presence" that judges me. Foe example, if I type something and I misspell a word, I will feel a presence going "you misspelled that. you're going to fix that right?"
