To the "non-naturals"

I lost a friend when I was 10 and my sisters lost one of their friends last year to suicide. She threw herself infront of a train, she was only 15. One of the most horrible things I've ever experienced was going to her funeral. Her poor mother couldn't even walk, she had to be held up by her two other daughters.

 

i avoided my friend Daves funeral, purely because i didnt want it to suddenly sink in thats he's dead. it was only 5 weeks ago =/

however, ive got a chunky dread on the back of my head that ive named Dave in his memory, cause he loved my previous sets, and he was one of the few people who actively encouraged me to be myself, and have funky hair =D

 

I told my mother I'd never go to another funeral after my grandmothers... it hit me in the parking lot after the service and I still remember becoming overwhelmed in front of everyone leaving the ceremony.

then I lost twins, and suddenly grew greater appreciation for the grieving process.... its a very important part of life.

 

well,, without wanting to attract too much attention to me and stuff,, im not really of sound mind. diagnosed with depression 4 years ago, and i still get bouts of it, so avoiding the funeral was also a way of avoiding a relapse and just general mind-fuckery

 

Oh smelly, I hope you didn't think I was meaning anything by what I said. I totally understand not wanting to go to funerals. I was kind of agreeing with you.

In fact I still have my twins ashes in my bedroom in their memory box. Never could bring myself to have a ceremony for them. It was a very intimate loss, and not something I felt I needed to share, granted I still get flack for that because "I'm not the only one to lose them"

You don't have to go to a funeral to give respect and grieve. Trust me I know. I can't even bring myself to plant a tree in their honor. but everytime I see white pine, i remember them.

 

its all good tan =] im very much an introvert anyway (right word?) i much prefer to be by myself, and deal with events & emotions by myself

 

Hey Smelly, has getting diagnosed been of any "use" ?

 

nope.

 

i shall elaborate.. it just gives me a reason to moan haha. i mean, i dont get treated differently, but it does mean that my family now semi-understand when i get a relapse, and they understand that i wont get out of bed and all i want is icecream. i had it quite bad last year.. self harmed on christmas day, never good.

it just comes and it goes, and i can sense when its comin on, but theres nout to stop it. councilling (sp?) isnt my thing, i hate opening up.. antidepressants are all a load of bull..

last night i was pretty depressed and the one thing that cheered me up big time was shortbread fingers.. so yknow. simple things eh.

ramble.

 

Ok that's kinda what I figured. I'm not a helpable person either, so I think I'll carry on with undiagnosed "being amy" syndrome

It is at least nice knowing that it's out of your control so you just have to take it as it comes and not bother expecting anything of yourself on those days. That's about the best thing I've managed to teach myself; it makes a difference.

 

i wish i could control it tho, cause some days (like yesterday) i had job letters to write, application forms to fill out, revision to do.. and i just wanted to cry =/

 

Yes sometimes it's a mega pain in the bum and has no useful place in an attempt at proper day-to-day functioning. But you have good days though? Just gotta make the most of those when you can I guess.

*should take own advice*

 

i do have good days, and i wish they could last forever, but they dont..

 

Shall we rename this thread amy&smelly go emo
Are your good days normal or, like, extra good?

 

hahaha im no emo *she says, brushing her fringe from her face*

ummmmm. today was extra good.. saw my driving instructor (always cheers me up), found out about a band i loooove, ate lots of shortbread fingers..

i unno. i dont know what a normal day is? im either really sad or really not =/

 

Well I think it's good that you've skipped the whole anti-depressants route

 

i took them for a short while, but they just didnt work. i dont think lots of things work, theyre all placebos..

 

This is gonna sound really horrible and ungrateful and I don't mean it to...it's based on where these convos often go....I'm sorta half-expecting soaringeagle to come in with one of his essays about all the people he's helped out of depression/suicide/anorexia/dreadwax... and yeh, like I said I probably sound like a brat now coz I don't really have a point to make lol I'll shush now *goes to count the scars*

 

ill be surprised if he doesnt =]

 

I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder in my early 20's. After a decade of Zoloft and Depakote, I weened myself off . I love my manic side.....but when the depression hits..holy shit. Luckily my depression seems seasonal (winter)and I find ways to cope, like keeping my curtains open and going to the tanning bed (really it helps). I think Dr's are so quick to write out a script. Man I was a zombie...and gained 30 pounds in 7 months. Will never do that shit again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!