Hi everyone, I figured this would be the appropriate place to discuss, and get thoughts on this situation I'm in. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 8 months now. I'm 22, and she's 24. It's long distance [two hours drive], but we see eachother on weekends. However, we haven't had sex in almost three months, and the time before that..I can't really remember. I've discussed this problem with her many times, and I have tried to be patient about it. But now it's getting a bit much, and I'm starting to feel like she's just a close friend I have feelings for and not a girlfriend. She's said time and time again that she just has no drive, no desire. Nothing. Which is very unlike her, and she's said things like "It's never been this bad. Something is wrong with me." and after putting it off for a while, she told me she went to the clinic to explain what is wrong, and get blood work done. The day the bloodwork came back, she told me they told her that she has low vitamins, or something like that. And that sleep/stress is messing with her sex drive. Fast forward a bit, and one night an old friend told me that he recognized her on a site called "Fetlife", which if you are unfamiliar of, it's a social networking site for kinksters and fetish people. He sent me a few screen shots of her profile, and going by the date it said she returned, it was the day after she went to the clinic. From what it appeared by her profile, she was using that profile but stopped once we started going out. Her profile section stated "Back for now, In a relationship and sorta kinda going through a phase so looking for suggestions. There can't be something wrong with me that can't be fixed." When I confronted her about this, she was very defensive about it and accused me of wrongfully questioning why she would use a site like that for a problem like this. Afterall, if she "has no drive", these people don't know more than doctors to diagnose her with something LOL. She said that it was her second option after the blood work tests. However, seeing as though she returned to this site BEFORE the results came back..it seems as if it was actually her first option, not the second. And makes me wonder if she actually went to the doctors. Thoughts? opinions? It seems weird to me.
Going to Fetlife to try to seek answers or suggestions about a low sex drive makes sense if she is into the kinky side of sex, or looking for ways to spice things up in her life. Not so much if she is just curious about her low libido. If you aren't 'feeling it' with her, perhaps it is time to move on. You might try to find someone who lives closer so you can spend more time together. Unless you are really invested in her, and your relationship, I wouldn't waste too much time trying to figure out if she was lying, or her motivations for being on Fetlife. Instead, use that time and energy to find someone who you feel good about being with. JMO
Your girl may have a whole different reason for Fetlife than you think. If she has come to realize she has a kink, it can be down right terrifying to bring it up with another person, let alone one who's opinion is important. She may just be defensive because she fears you have found her dark secret and look down on her for it, especially if it's a kink that came up in conversation that freaks or grosses you out. Beyond that, she could be trying to come to terms with her want in her own head first. Once she gets there, there is the important point of whether or not she trusts you to help her with the fantasy, as well as if she can still be happy with you if you can't give her what she craves. All in all, the whole issue can be putting a mental barrier between her and you that keeps the libido from kicking in, be incredibly stressful, and if it really bothers her, may even tamper with appetite. I have been in such a position where I had to decide if it was even ok to want something, let alone ask for it, and it's hard. So, do you know what you are willing to do or have done to you? And if so, can you open the lines of communication so she has a chance to feel like it's OK to talk about it?
