This is going to be one long complicated issue...

Riesay, (oh God, this is so much fun LOL) the reason Rem needs to "speak" through you is that I haven't allowed her into my consciousness. I'm afraid of becoming overwhelmed--that's one thing you have over me--you seem to be able to cope with a legion of spirits all at the same time. The closest I ever came to this was when I was in a local community theater show a few years ago, and I entered into mental communion with all the other actors--throughout the rehearsals and the performances, they were continually appearing in my mind--and it was wonderful. But something in me is hanging back--and Rem is turning this into a major point. LOL Using you as her conduit for communicating with me is a gentle way of chastising me for being so skittish. Part of me knew that your guides are trying to pull me into direct contact, but I've been holding back--Rem is letting me know, in a subtle way, that the time has come (and my guide is laughing again). Oh, God, this is so unbelievably weird. LOL I haven't felt like this since I was a young hippie experimenting with controlled substances. Yeah, they're brewing something, all righty. My God... well, I guess the time is coming...but dammit, I will NOT be rushed into this LOL even though I'm getting some strong ideas as to where this is going.

By the way, what Rem is saying about Van is pure bullshit LOL--of COURSE his appearance was NOT a mistake--you needed him as much as you needed anybody. My God...what a trip...

And yes, I've had the experience of the spirit guide suddeny getting very quiet when you ask certain questions LOL...oh, my God...

My guide has been telling me a lot lately that we (she and I) were going to start having some fun...well this is fun, all right.

Riesay--this is wonderful. Thank you for coming here and sharing so much.

 

Well of course! I couldn't help but share, you've been doing the same thing and thank you very much for that, before I had someone who knew about all this it was very lonely.

I know what Rem said about Van was B.S. but she tends to blame herself and feel bad for anything that hurts me a bit. Honestly though in the end Van's been more of a help than hurt, and I think Rem knows that to, she's just feeling bad.

As for coping with a lot of spirits I can only say one very obvious thing you probably already know: GO AT IT SLOWLY that's what I did, and it still is overwhelming at times. It was only in the last year that I learned I can create a little area just for me with a little door that you have to knock on, that was my primary defense against being overwhelmed or having to deal with Van.

One thing I've never done though is let anyone elses spirit guides interact with me, firstly because I had no clue I could and now because I have no idea how. I'll admit I'm also a bit reluctant to do so, I've let some real psychos into my mind so I'm scared of what could happen...

On the Van subject again, yeah he's being hunted down by a few of them, Amy can't, not because of fear mind you, but I don't think they can get rid of Van quite yet, he's quite slippery so they can't find him. There's going to be one more meeting between me and him, I know it. This time though it's going to be me in control, I'm not sure what's going to happen but I need this, to confront him to show myself that the only thing to fear is fear itself and no Van is not fear he's just a derranged lunatic. I don't know when this will happen so I'll just patiently wait for him to find me. Then I'll give him a good kick in the ass for all those times I was to scared to do anything but just run away

As for strong ideas as to whats coming care to share? I still have no clue which is not fair because I have to deal with Deyfas's taunting. And six years olds are laughing at me, they say I'm in for something good.

Don't worry about having to rush into anything, I have the feeling that Rem is a very strong presence, and well Deyfas...I can only say get used to gutter speak now. Wait, for some reason Deyfas is wanting me to deliver a message. I will, but I'm taking out all the cursing and innuendos. Yes Deyfas all of them. >_<

Yo, just wanted to say hello here, although its much less fun with Riesay the prude. All I really wanted to say was watch out. Thats it, no more. Watch out for what? How the hell would I know? Well, of course I do know but why should I tell you all that? I want to see you guess, that way I can watch Riesay act like an idiot trying to figure this out. One of my favorite hobbies that is, although she makes it to easy for me. Takes out all the sport in it, oh and the message applies doubly to you Spazz. Yes Riesay that means you, think of it as a term of endearment and get the hell out of my personal life! So long and Riesay if you dont put my message in I'll make you suffer, you put Rem's in and in her own post! So this is just minor anyways. Remember, watch out. There I said it twice so the stupid humans can understand it, I find you people don't get it the first time. Or secound, hell whats the point of telling you anyways? Oh to hell with it, might as well try anyways. See ya soon. Poor sap.

Believe me, that could have been twice as long and much more taunting. As for watch out he's either lying or being forced to convey the message from someone else and is annoyed over it. No, there's no chance he just wants to be nice, that concepts way beyond him. Personally I think he doesn't mind you, he taunts and annoys the people he likes best. Either that or he hates me. I'm really wondering how he functions as any sort of guide.

 

Deyfas loves you, Riesay, and it's obvious he likes me, too. LOL I'm only sorry you didn't include the colorful language--I guess the only way I'll be able to experience that is if I talk to him myself. He obviously wasn't trying to communicate anything whatsoever, he just wanted to give me a demonstration of his verbal prowess. LOL And he probably wants to show me how fun he is in order to ease my skittishness. I see how he functions as a guide--he's trying to get you to have some fun.

Well, I had my first contact with Rem this morning. At first I reached out in my mind to listen, and I could only hear bits of whispering, with a few audible words, such as "We'll be gentle," and my guide saying to Remaura, "Yes, he would like that," and then somebody saying, "They're very happy." Finally Rem gave me a sort of vague picture of herself. She was smaller than I expected, dressed in jeans, with straight hair. She didn't say anything, she just hugged me for a bit. Then she "left," and a minute later she suddenly showed up again and held my hand for a few moments. All very sweet. She's treating me like a scared child so as to make a big joke of my skittishness. LOL Well that's fine, I like being eased into it.

You want to know what's coming? Well, other than the fact that they're obviously trying to get us spiritually connected somehow, I really don't know any details. So now Deyfas can have fun watching you conjecture about those details. LOL

I love the soap-opera drama they're giving you with Van. LOL But it's obviously something you need--kind of like a high-noon showdown--shootout at the OK Corral. LOL "Van, this town's not big enough for the both of us." LOL

If you're interested in trying to talk to my primary spirit guide, you should call her Emily. That's not her real name, but it's the name I've been using for her in the book I'm writing. She IS a psycho, Riesay. LOL She's a certified bipolar, and she's on medication for mood swings. She's also a twice-divorced mother of two--one grown-up girl, the other girl in high school. And she has a firmly established nicotine addiction--at least, she did when I last saw her four years ago. She's also strikingly beautiful...sigh...anyway, at her worst I think she's no worse than your guides can be--certainly she's nowhere near as bad as Van--and at her best she's an angel. She laughs a lot, she's ironic and subtle--and for some reason, she seems to get a big kick out of bathroom humor, which seems strange for somebody who listens to classical music and old-time jazz, and who has such a quirkily stylish wardrobe. In case you can't tell, I'm in love with her--at least, I am when I'm not mad as hell at her.

 

Well, I'm glad Rem's being gentle, with me she just sort of popped up and I had to assume she was a really cool imaginary friend. Deyfas easing your skittishnessthough? It kind of makes sense I guess, he likes it better when people aren't afraid of him, it makes it more fun for him to be annoying. He reminds me of a smug cat showing off .

I tried to contact Emily yesterday though. It didn't work out so well but Deyfas had the time of his life. Since my house was loud and crowded I decided to go to the woods were its nice and quiet, still in my pajamas of course because I felt to lazy to get dressed. Two of our dogs ended up following me, Painter a sweet lab and Whalen, the dumbest dog I have ever met. After following Painter for what seemed like forever thinking her animal instincts would lead me to a nice place I gave up and settled for a fallen tree while the dogs went ahead.

Sitting there, wet and hot I tried to get everyone in my mind to shut up, they did thankfully and I tried to reach out to Emily. It was hard for me, I've only had to concentrate on my spirit guides and thats always been fairly easy. Not with Emily, I did get some whispers of I can't remember what but I'm pretty sure Rem wasn't the only person amused by my attempts. So, I kept waiting, concentrating on pretty much any sort of contact with Emily. Nope, didn't work no matter how much I pried or tried to listen. Then I realized that I've never had any physical contact with any of my spirit guides, plenty of mental contact and such but thats it. Except for one time about six monthes ago when I heard someone whisper my name twice as I was about to go to bed, but I had no clue who it was and I freaked out. Really, I ended up waking up my twin to check my room for psychos under my bed.

Still after realizing and thinking through all this I kept at it, determined I would succeed. Painter came back to sit in front of me, licked my face and wouldn't stop moving, then Whalen came and a nearly shoved him off the tree but determined so long as he got nowhere near my face I would be ok. Around this time Deyfas was about to kill himself laughing and I wanted to throttle him. But I did the mature thing and ignored him. I then realized just how quiet the forrest is, to quiet. I'm not an outdoors person nor will I ever be, thats just the way I am. So I spent another few minutes contemplating this before a large DUH resonated throughout my mind.

Forced out of my enlightened way of mulling over how much I hate camping I went off to see what Deyfas was doing now. He was laughing of course, as was Rem, but at least she was being subtle! Then Deyfas pointed something out: I do not like the woods, I like my room late at night when I am alone and can actually concentrate (his words were 'not spazz all over everything'). Thus me trying to do anything out in the woods was useless.

Saddened that I had to have Deyfas point out to me that no spiritual epiphany awaited in the great outdoors I began to go back to my noisy home and try contacting Emily later. Then I realized that although I knew the general direction of where I had come from I had no clue where the path was and Painter had abandoned me and I didn't care where Whalen was. Mad at Deyfas I forced him to stick around while I searched in vain for the path before deciding to just stumble my way in what I hoped was a homewordly direction. Now I know that my sense of direction is somewhat off because after what felt like forever I was still surronded by trees and starting to panic, this annoyed Deyfas to no end because he's perfectly at home outside while I am a complete whimp.

Another few minutes passed and I was starting to tear up and Deyfas was rolling his eyes and telling me to suck it up. I didn't, but I did keep going. Then I heard some branches snap behind me and nearly crapped myself. Turnig around I saw it was merely Whalen, I was disapointed untill I realized Whalen had come to lead me home! Yes, he had as he went to my right and forward I followed him mentally praising him and decided that Whalen isn't a complete idiot.

Turns out home was only about twenty yards away. Yeah, I'm never going outside again. Painter was also waiting for me on the porch, I felt spite and wondered why I had to have the idiot dog save me and the smart one abandon me. More eye rolling from Deyfas, I snapped at him and he claims he sent for Whalen because he knew I would like him less then Painter. I had no idea that Deyfas could do that, eh, I kind of doubt it, he's more the type to let the police find me after hours of wandering and be labeled the village idoit. Oh thats nice, Deyfas just said I'll always be the village idiot to him and everyone else who's had to talk to me.

Long story short, I'm still working out on talking with Emily and I'm sure this will give you and your guides a good laugh. I just feel somewhat pathetic >_<

 

So you went looking for Emily and got lost in the woods, huh? Well don't feel bad, that's the way I feel with her most of the time. LOL That's a great story, though, I enjoyed hearing about it, though I'm sorry it became distressing for you. It really reminds me of some of the stuff Emily has done with me, though, and I've been the village idiot more times than I want to count. I remember when I was going through a particularly hard time, being treated like pure dogshit for a very long time, and this guy who was one of my tormenters walked by and said in my mind, "You'd probably be better off dead." No holds barred--no depth too low to stoop to.

Our house is in the middle of the woods too, but I don't think I would ever dream of going out there for solitude--there's too much sensory input, I'm sure I would be too distracted. I'm not too big on camping either, but I do like to walk the trail, and I play woodsman every so often--go out there with an axe and lopping shears to keep the trail clear. I used to walk to the end sometimes, where it overlooks the state route and the Dunkin' Donuts, and sit on an overlooking rock smoking a cigar. I ushered in a new year out there a couple years ago--just me, Emily, the snow, and my vodka gimlet.

But no meditation--I do that in my bedroom upstairs, with a very large and powerful electric fan turned on to drown out any stray noises from downstairs.

Emily is the cat-and-mouse type. It may be she'll never show up for you--or she might suddenly show up when you don't expect her. If she wants you to find her, it won't take any concentration at all. My impression is that our friends are playing games with some purpose. I think part of the idea is to make us have a greater desire to have contact with them--it's maybe a way of dealing with our initial skittishness while poking fun at it simultaneously.

Emily could be Deyfas' sister, in some ways--she was the one who taught me the delightful term of endearment, "asswipe." One time when I was walking with her in person, I gave her a hard time about something, just for fun, and her response was to flip me off. She apologized for that later, in an e-mail--I told her I got a kick out of her flipping me off, which I did--but actually I appreciated her apology.

I haven't thought a lot about contacting Rem again--but ever since yesterday morning, whenever I do think about the idea of contacting Rem or any of your other friends, I get a feeling of extreme quiet in the back of my mind--almost as if somebody suddenly whispered "Hush everybody, he's listening!" I've gotten pissed at Emily a couple times about this, but then I subside and think, "Yeah, well, whatever," and start thinking about something else. I'm alternately touched and amused by the way Rem approached me--it really was very sweet, and yet it was also slyly reproachful.

Emily just said, "Rem, we won." LOL Yes, they really did pick a good way to appeal to me.

I know Deyfas seems like a real asshole, but...well, probably nothing I say will make any difference--eventually you'll see. Yeah, I can see him getting the dog to come lead you home--and then telling you he brought the dog you'd like the least. LOL It's really good for me to see somebody else experiencing the same kind of treatment I've been getting for the past eight or nine years. Makes me feel less lonely.

 

I managed to talk to Emily today, of all places on the bus. Which is odd since its one of the loudest places sometimes. But you are right, she is beautiful. She was very nice, although she joined in with Rem's amusement at my astonishment that I managed to find her, but that only helped to ease my skittishness. I did most of the talking, and she just listened with Rem, Deyfas and the others were nowhere near me for some reason, I bet Rem kicked `em out. It was very pleasent, although I had to stop when it got to loud on the bus which they obviously thought was a bit annoying.


The silence at the back of your head is just what happens with me when I want to talk with someone, Rem is very pleased with herself. She says she can be patient, until it gets boring of course. For me I don't mind if things go a bit quickly after the first conversation, I'm used to someone suddenly appearing and being stuck with them for a while.

But if you do want to talk to someone new I suggest Deyfas since he seems interested in you, and I bet you anything seeing him with Emily will be hilarious. Or Loha, she's a wonderful friend of Rem, in her forties she has four kids and is very motherly. Go to her if you want some good advice and warm fuzzies. She's smiling, she wants you to know she thinks "you're going at this at just the right pace"

Deyfas wants you to stop implying that he helps me out of any kindness in his heart. "I am an evil, demented asshole who only helps because I want Riesay to stop her damn whining and she's to pathetic to help herself."

Sure Deyfas, I completely believe you, don't ya worry, I'll always think of you as an asshole.

 

Yes, Emily can be very nice when she wants to. I'm glad she let you find her. I do most of the talking with her in my mind, too--which is funny, because when I was with her in person and talking out loud, SHE did most of the talking. It was interesting in some circumstances though--sometimes we would be talking out loud, and then somebody else would come by--she would talk to that person out loud, and make remarks to me mentally about the person she was talking to. LOL Nice remarks, mostly...

I can hear them in my mind no matter how loud the external noise is--it's something different from hearing.

Okay, I might as well tell you what happened today. I ended up driving to work today instead of taking the train, because a meeting I had in the morning with the teaching team for my 12-year-old daughter ran longer than expected, and if I waited for the next train I would be late to an afternoon meeting. So as I drove home from work this evening, I started thinking about our conversations, and I started thinking about Rem, and wondering if I would have any more contact with her. I thought about how she looked the other morning, and I thought how attractive she was. Then I thought I might like to hug her some more...and then suddenly she was hugging me again, only much more firmly and insistently...and I liked it a lot. I wanted more, but then I started feeling guilty, and I thought, "Now wait a minute, how would it be if I started a mental love affair with Riesay's primary spirit guide? How would Riesay feel about that? Is this really right?" So I reluctantly broke away from Rem's embrace...but I toyed with thoughts of holding her a couple more times, and both times she showed up immediately, and I could actually physically feel her...well, anyway I finally got my mind off of her, and moved on to other thoughts. But I must admit, I'm still tempted.

I don't even know if I should be telling you this stuff--how old are you, Riesay? I mean it's about your spirit guide, and not about you, but still, it seems a bit overly personal.

Well, I don't know about talking to your other friends yet, but I like hearing about them. I've thought about maybe contacting Deyfas, but he would probably be a bad influence on me. I'd go out drinking with him. LOL Maybe he could get me to stop MY damn whining, but I doubt it--Emily hasn't had a lot of success in that area so far.

I find it interesting that you think of Deyfas as an asshole, yet you seem to spend quite a bit of time with him--how come?

 

That would be because I still like him well enough, him being an asshole is just part of the package. Besides, what would Deyfas be without the cursing, sarcasm and love of being a nuisance? Several times he's actually helped me win some arguements, and when leaping up and attacking someone is a bad idea but I still really want to, he can at least come up with some good insults to make me laugh. I also have only been spending a lot of time with him lately, I stay with one or two guides for a while then switch to others.

Normally though I can hear no matter what except for when I'm sick or I know I need to be concentrating on something else, or if I'm the background noise keeps catching my attention. But I think that's mainly because my mind naturaly wanders.

A mental love affair with Rem? Well, she's giggling obsessively zengizmo and so am I! I don't really mind of course, 15 by the way (I thought you already knew), but you don't really need to ask me. I'll admit it's a bit wierd to me but that's because she's Rem, it's like imagining your sister with someone. Ew.

Since you like hearing about my spirit guides though I'm going to keep typing about them, its nice to have someone to tell these things to. Hmmm, now I need to think of something. How about Deyfas's siblings? Well it's all I can think of so here goes:

He has three of them, all older, one brother and two sisters. Going chronologicaly first is Irenel, I like her she's very peaceful but strong. She gets annoyed with Deyfas fairly often and she tells him off a lot, but mainly she ignores him.

Next is Shosay, he gets along best with Deyfas mainly I think because he actually tries to correct some of his worst behavior. He's definitely the mature older brother type, he likes to just hang out.

Then there's Jiezas. The warrior type, very blunt and aggresive, she also dislikes criminals. Deyfas and Jiezas hate eachother a lot. Which is odd to me because it's a bit obvious they have a lot in common. Well, Deyfas does go out of his way to torment her, and Jiezas has been known to beat the crap out of him...Eh, they still should get along better.

 

Already knew? How would I know that? You think I'm psychic or something? LOL Actually the number 15 is what came to my mind when I was thinking about it before you told me, but I rejected that--I figured that judging by the maturity, complexity, and sheer volume of your writing, you were probably at least college age. You know, that story you wrote about the first time you tried to contact Emily out in the woods was a very nice bit of writing--but you probably knew that.

Okay well...I'm not sure how I'm going to handle my feelings about Rem. I might have an affair with her and just not talk about it with you...or I might just blow it off as a bad idea...we'll see.

She spoke to me directly last night for the first time. It was while I was lying in bed ready to sleep--I was thinking about what I wrote to you about our romantic rendezvous, and she said in a shocked tone of voice, "I don't believe you said that!" Then she and Emily both laughed their heads off.

I think maybe I'll start calling her "Remi"--it's kinda cute, don't you think? LOL

That's great--yeah, my guides feed me some good phrases sometimes, too--sometimes I need to stifle my laughter so people won't think I'm acting too strange.

Great! I do enjoy hearing about them, and I like talking to you regardless, Riesay.

More later, duties are calling me away....

 

You thought I’m in college? Oh well, most people find me kinda mature. Thank you very much for complementing my writing style, I want to be an author when I grow a bit older, I've always loved to write. Being compared to a college student made my day!

Remi is definitely cute, I don't call Rem that because I already have a friend named Remi. She's also being very coy with me whenever I ask her about you, just a wry smile and laugh.

Deyfas has been acting grouchy lately, I'm not sure why. In the middle of class though we were talking about and I jokingly mentioned him coming to visit me, he actually said he would. I'm not sure whether or not to believe him, when he gets into one of his moods he can be fairly mean and just be messing with me. Convinced of this I checked in on him later, driving through the desert listening to heavy metal of course. He's still telling me that he's going to come to my Highschool, around Thursday. Hm, why do I not believe him? He could simply be in need of attention after I mentioned that I have a bit of a rotation system for guides, perhaps that upset him somehow? Despite all his complaining about hating having me around I know he does get lonely sometimes. Idiot, he should know that he can torment me anytime, he does it anyways.

 

It's never too soon to start being what you want to become. No certificates or degrees are required to be an author--that's one area the government hasn't started regulating too much. LOL

I was thinking about how you remind me a bit of my 14-year-old son, who is also very bright--he has penetrating insights into a lot of things, and he likes to write, too--fantasy adventure stories. But while I was thinking about this I got an insight about you--you're surrounded by stories! You've been surrounded by stories since you were eight years old! What strikes me about you is how steeped you are in personalities and personal histories, and your comfort with so many different kinds of people. I think your friends have been a big force in shaping you--and giving you a strong base as a writer. That would explain all the soap operas and drama they give you. LOL

Just keep calling him an idiot--that'll cheer him up. LOL I just asked Deyfas if he was coming to your high school, and he just flashed me an image of himself--not saying anything, just giving me the biggest grin imaginable. LOL So in other words--who knows? (He just said, "Later, dude.") Maybe you'll find out why he's been acting grouchy...

Stay tuned for our next episode. LOL

 

Yep, a lot of my writing is about them, I'm determined to write down all their stories someday. Everyone seems to have something interesting in their lives that makes me want to write, except some people are really picky about what they don't want me publishing to the world. I try to respect that, because you're right they all have had a large part in shaping who I am as a person.

Spoke to Deyfas didja? Or was it just long enough to ask you about his possible visit? That would be odd, he tends to stick around a lot, especially when it's inconveniant (I've just about wanted to kill him when I needed to use the bathroom or god forbid go in the locker room). Appearence wise I was surprised when I first saw him, I expected something a little more menacing looking. He just looks kinda like a starving artist to me. Or is that just because I know that would annoy him? Oh well, he's still giving me the cheshire grin so I'll keep being annoying .

 

WAIT! I nearlt forgot to say it:

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
There, I'm happy now. I spent today acting as a crossing guard to trick-or-treators for JROTC. It was fun, some kids gave me candy, one kicked me and I nearly got ran over retrieving one kids pirate hat from the middle of the road.

 

Good for you, Riesay--that's a great goal. I would let you have my story, but I'm in the process of writing about it myself.

I just spoke to him that one time, on a whim, to ask about his possible visit. I was a bit surprised by how quickly his image zapped into my mind when I did that. But yeah, he sure took off in a hurry after grinning at me. I haven't had as much interest in spending time with him as with Remi, maybe because he's not as cute as she is. LOL He just flashed me his huge grin again.

I'm really debating with myself whether to address your remark about Deyfas intruding when you want privacy...but I guess I'm going to broach the subject, and let you deal with it as you like. One of the things I had to deal with when I first became absolutely convinced that people could be in my mind any time of the day or night was that my previous concepts of "privacy" needed some drastic revisions...along with my previous concepts of a helluva lot of other things. Remi just said, "You're not a stranger to anyone." Yeah, well, in my case, I suppose that tends to be true, because I just pretty much open myself to whomever. The spiritual aspect of this is that we can't hide, and we can't lie, so the best defense is to learn who we are for ourselves, so that we stop lying to ourselves and become comfortable with whatever we find ourselves to be.

In the Garden of Eden, after Adam and Eve first ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they suddenly realized, "Oh, shit! We're naked!" And they covered their privates--and you probably knew what happened next: God kicked them out of Paradise. I think that in a sense, to get back to Paradise we need to let ourselves be naked again...I'm talking about in a mental/spiritual sense, though the feeling of physical nakedness is just about identical, so the analogy is nearly perfect.

Enough of my sermon--the Right Reverend Zengizmo thanks your for your Halloween greetings, and sends you home with blessings. Oh, and that was a pretty cool thing you did, being a crossing guard for trick-or-treaters. Only my three youngest dressed for Halloween--I had a ninja, a witch with a weird hat, and a motorcycle chick.

Happy belated Halloween!

 

Very nice, I hope to read it someday. Right now I mainly write short stories because school takes a lot of time and I'm not happy enough with my writing skills.

Yeah, he does appear very quickly for me, for others I at least have to wait a few secounds. Heck, he even shows up before I call him sometimes.

As for privacy, I am now quite adept at yelling "GO AWAY!" but I also have had to greatly change my concepts of privacy. Mainly because Rem finds the idea of privacy merely amusing at times and who knows when someone is going to walk in or is convined our conversation can't wait. Deyfas of course just wants to be an ass mostly and finds my constantly having to kick him out funny. Then he's also had field days with my teenage girl insecurities and I end up having to run to Rem or some other girl to yell at him with me...
Ok, I like Deyfas somewhat, he just makes it nearly impossible. Must remind myself of this or else I'll end up trying to strangle him one day.

 

I love writing, but I believe it's one of the hardest tasks a person can attempt, and you can spend your life honing your craft. And it does take time--LOTS of time--but every little bit you do refines your skills.

I need to keep reminding myself that you're only 15, because you keep seeming much older. LOL I see you're already onto what I was talking about--and I understand only too well that intellectual understanding often precedes total integration, and life is a process of continual becoming. I see you see yourself--I'm trying to deal with insecurities of my own...even after all these years...maybe we'll talk more about MY insecurities as time goes by.

You're a truly remarkable girl, Riesay. And I'm very glad to know you.

You realize of course that I've been recruited for the spirit guides' purposes. LOL It's no coincidence--it was only three or four weeks ago that I was complaining to Emily that I should be given a chance to do some of what she and her ilk are doing. So apparently they decided to let me participate.

And of course, I'm benefitting from these conversations too--very much. I'm getting renewed confirmations of my experiences through contact with your guides combined with your external confirmations.

Oh, and I understand very well your temptation to strangle Deyfas sometimes--maybe one of these days I'll tell you some more about what kind of hell Emily has put me through.

 

Insecurities zengizmo? That kind of surprised me coming from you, you seem very confident.

Thanks a lot zengizmo, I've never been called remarkable. I'm mainly spazz, annoying and weirdo, fondly of course. I think you're remarkable to, its been great talking to you, I never knew someone else had the same experiances as me before. Its nice not to be alone.

It was this summer that I really started pressing for some external help, I was glad that Rem finally said "Don't worry Riesay, soon." So you were definitely recruited. Now I want to see about being more of a guide, Rem says its a good experiance. I'm also glad you benifit to, it feels as though I'm the only one getting help sometimes and I want to do as much as I can to be of use, especially after all the help I've gotten just so far.

Deyfas has also gotten better, I'd say nice but that would jinx it. It was my twin that gave me a clue what to do. I told him I love him. In a completely platonic family way of course! Ugh, I can't imagine a relationship with him, or any of my spirit guides really, I do love them it's just in a very friendship, light and fluffy way. Everyone did pretty much already know, mainly it was just a conformation but Deyfas apparently was clueless. Idiot, he thought for a moment I was coming onto him and I had to explain that I think he's a bit to mean and old for me. Rem nearly died laughing I swear, she did say it was a good thing to tell Deyfas though so I'm happy. A bit creeped out though, he seems to actually be putting some effort into not being a nuisance.

 

I just spent a weekend in a black mood that made me unfit company for any entity, spiritual or otherwise. Yes, I am very confident, in a lot of ways. And I'm much, much more confident since Emily and company started putting me through hell. But occasionally I revert to very old feelings of utter worthlessness. The major difference between now and years ago is that even when I'm in the midst of feeling sorry for myself, I know deep inside that I can bring myself out of it, if I truly want to--but sometimes LOL I just want to wallow in misery. LOL "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted..." or something like that--there's some form of payoff in being miserable.

Also Riesay, I'll let you in on a little secret: When I first felt Van skulking around, I was seriously frightened. But I've gained resources in the last few years, and I was able to pull myself out of it. And turned the tables on him. LOL

I know, it's nice to get some positive feedback after being treated like dog dung, isn't it? I know this very well...but those little pet names Deyfas uses on you make you draw from your inner strength.

This is very interesting to me--another confirmation, and another benefit to me. It kinda makes you wonder what else they have planned though, doesn't it?

Ya done real good, Riesay. LOL Yeah, I've been through that sort of thing, too--the first time with my first guide, Dani. God, she was awful to me at first, and I really hated her. And then I got the idea you did--what if I tried loving her? So I did, and everything changed--for a while, at least. And you know, this reminds me of how I should deal with Emily sometimes...if I feel like it. LOL Of course, you telling me this is probably part of their plan to get this message to me, especially after this weekend. So should I be stubborn, or should I give in?

 

Black mood? Sorry to hear about that, my weekend was the same as always, just hanging around the house. Still hate Deyfas's constant need for names and insults though, but I have gotten much better at shrugging them off or fighting back. He's kinda dispeared on me though, to my horror while I was in the middle of a shower today he just popped up said 'Later' and off he went. Now I've been bugging someone else, Crin, he's really nice. Complete spazz and a workoholic.

I suggest being stubborn, I tend to pry more information that way, especialy with Rem and Deyfas, not Amy though...I shudder at trying any sort of prying with him.

 

Okay, Riesay, I'd like to talk some more now--are you still checking in here? What's this you're saying about Amy? Amy is a him? And why do you shudder at trying any sort of prying with him?

I haven't spent much time with any of your guides lately, even dear Remi--though she did jump in to flash me a big grin a little while ago when I thought about her. Mainly just Emily, as usual. Emily is a lot of fun, actually, most of the time--I especially like getting laughs out of her. However sometimes she does little things that piss me off--like when I'm thinking about how well I handled this thing or that thing, she'll flash me obscene pictures. I suppose she's trying to get me to let go of my ego, but I like my ego, and I'll be damned if I'm giving it up... LOL