this gift........so lost

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by saffronfrancisburnet, May 11, 2004.

  1. to all who feel the need to scream....
    :not to sure about this but here goes :


    for days and nights,i ask i beg
    this gift of ours, this garden golden true
    what has it done ,or have we done
    take back the bleeding,people
    starve,
    end what has now turned, the soil
    bombs from nowhere ,but our hands
    children drink from pools
    pools of dirt,
    landings ,moon the money
    well spent....../?
    this gift ,has stolen our souls,
    with ripe fruit,tender joy.
    darker ,stained land..oil coal no more
    this gift was here for many a human
    many a child lost,cried

    for days ,nights ive felt such pain....
    who wouldnt when a human
    is killed.
    this gift was ment to give us LIFE....
    sudden light ,not rays of shine
    but hard reality, to you and me
    of bloody battles below ,,above
    a gift fucked up ...nature new
    IT would...

    a scape goat for one and all

    love n peace from saff
     
  2. VanAstral

    VanAstral Member

    aye, knowledge will set you free and ignorance is bliss and what the bloody 'ell are we to believe?
    moderation, that word pops up a lot eh.
     
  3. know1nozme

    know1nozme High Plains Drifter

    "Find the cost of freedom buried in the ground." - Crosby, Stills & Nash.
    The price has been paid, but the goods appear tainted, eh?

    Your gift expresses much of the pain I feel every day I read the paper, every time I turn on the television.

    Powerful words... but hard for me to read.
     
  4. veinglory

    veinglory Member

    for days and nights,[ ]i as i beg
    ---leave a spave after each comma
    ---I know a lot of people use small 'i's but they really bother me...

    this gift of ours, this garden golden true
    ---I really like the 'garden golden true', it's a nice phrase.

    what has it done,[ ]or have we done[?]
    take back the bleeding,[ ]people
    starve,
    ---some of your linebreaks seem a bit awkard to me, like this one.

    end what has now turned, the soil
    bombs from nowhere,[ ]but our hands
    ---I don't know what you mean by 'soil bombs from nowhere'

    children drink from pools
    pools of dirt,
    landings,[ ]moon the money
    well spent....../?
    ---Hmmm. I sugges either use a normal ellipsis [... ] or a questionmark

    this gift,[ ]has stolen our souls,
    with ripe fruit,[ ]tender joy.
    darker,[ ]stained land..[. ]oil coal no more
    ---This is another great section, but the last part seem to obvious. Can you imply the bit about oil/coal without being quite so blunt? I think it might work better that way

    this gift was here for many a human
    many a child lost,[ ]cried

    for days ,nights i[']ve felt such pain...
    ---conventional ellipses have three dots unless they are at the end of a sentence where they have four. i think it pays to use punctaution is fairly conventional way so people think about your content not your commas ;)

    who wouldn[']t when a human
    is killed.
    this gift was ment to give us LIFE....
    ---In my opinion poems should only shout when 'preformed'. You might reconsider those capitals

    sudden light,[ ]not rays of shine
    ---'rays of shine' nice

    but hard reality, to you and me
    of bloody battles below ,,above
    ---,,?
    a gift fucked up...[ ]nature new
    ---knew?

    IT would...

    a [scapegoat] for one and all

    ------An interesting poem to read in that is varied from very poetic to very blunt. Overall I think it could be refined a little more to make the transitions between the two cleaner and perhaps introduce a sort of rhythm or cadence.
     
  5. thank you for the replys here

    yes my poetry is just how i am
    all i have felt and thought
    i find the bluntness is very much apart of
    my life this world and the human race ,,

    thank you again interesting i remember being
    told the very same poetic but blunt in college
    oh years ago...im glad im still the same ......
    love n peace from saff

    mm your replys got me thinking
     
  6. sylvanlightning

    sylvanlightning Prismatic Essence

    Very sensitive
     
  7. its good, i really like it.
     

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