Thinking about letting it all go.

Wow! I missed this thread too. First of all, as has already been stated I think (I read the first one and then skimmed as I thought you were in the midst of a suicidal crisis now)---there is no reason to hate yourself, or to feel that you deserve punishment for any of this.

There is a name for the emotion let out yesterday morning---it is not in English, if I recall, it is a name used by an Indonesian tribe, but we experience it too---even though we don't identify it. (I'll dig up the information I have on it.) It is part of the healing process, and the scream is very typical, very key in fact. That scream says that your mind and body are beginning the healing process.

I will DM you later today or this evening. There is definitely help in the things we have talked about. Many things can't change overnight, but remember, it always darkest before the dawn.

 

I know it easy for someone to say, don't hate yourself, don't blame yourself... And what does that mean----they aren't you. You still feel the guilt, the pain, the blame. But feelings are just what they are---they are not right, they are not wrong, they just are.

There is a personal choice involved in the healing. I think it was Aerianne who wrote a nice bit on healing---I put a like on it----that you will never lose those feelings, that it creates your character and so forth---those are good words. There is a purpose for the pain just as much for the pleasure----it is why we are here. But you can't truly begin to heal until you choose to heal. Blaming yourself, or subconsciously believing that you must be punished is going to stand in the way of that healing. It will affect the choice.

It is something you have to work out.

 

I understand the financial crunch.

That being said, when I was going through major issues with my father, I had volunteer councilors as well as my priest. Not all professionals need to be paid. Just putting that out there