There are some guys here in a sexless marriage.

My mate, who has always had a robust, unblushing, and joyous sexuality, suffered a TBI a couple of years ago which turned off her libido as if flipping a light switch. She's in chronic pain, sleep deprived, and perpetually nauseous. I miss our sex life, but it's not her fault, and I certainly don't hold it against her. She feels the loss acutely; she's a sexual being, and sexuality was deeply ingrained into her self image and sense of self worth. I'm certainly not the one suffering the most right now.

 

I'm in the same boat. I keep trying to find what's a reasonable equivalent for my wife of what sex is to me. I think if I stopped talking to her or spending time with her she'd feel like I do. She refuses to hear any of these comparisons and gets mad saying it's not the same. I wish she would just try to understand even so.

 

If you're reading this thread and you're in a sexless marriage, I'm guessing you're a guy and it wasn't always like that. You may also want to take a look at yourself in the mirror.

For example, are you the same person she was attracted to 20, 10 or even 5 years ago and if the answer is yes then could that be part of the issue? You guys remember the show Friends? There was a character called Chip Mathews that either Monica or Rachel was attracted to in high school. He rode a motorbike and worked in a movie theater and could get free popcorn and pop. But 10 years after high school when Chip reappeared in Monica and Rachel's life, the attraction was gone because as Rachel put it ... "He's the same Chip in high school". Meaning 10 years later, he's still riding the same motorbike and working in the movie theater.

Now to bridge the gap between this example and a man's married life, 10 years after you got married, have you kept your physical condition? Have you advanced in your career and education? Have you taken care of business like does she have a decent home, decent car? Have you made long term goals for your marriage / family (if that is your plan) and taken steps to achieve them? If you were to bring her cell phone to her work place b/c she forgot it at home, would she be proud to show you off to her coworkers?

I see sex in my marriage as a privilege that I earned and my wife gives me. Now you're going to say that you shouldn't have to earn sex in a marriage it should be freely given. I'm think I can prob force my wife to have sex with me b/c we're married. Perhaps I can threaten her. But its way more pleasurable when she wants it. And even better when I don't have to ask.

Example, have you ever been a people manager? If you have an employee and FORCE them to do something they don't like, at best you'll get compliance and an OK job. But as soon as the work bell rings they're gone. It is much more desirable if you can get the employee to believe they are part of something larger so they are motivated to do the job out some core value that you, their manager, planted in them. This is what a good manager or boss can do. Same as a marriage. Its way easier for my wife to *uck me when she motivated to do so and that my friends can take a lot of work on the man's part.

I know you guys will disagree, sex is your right as a married man. But this works for me.

 

I do disagree with you but not in the way you expect. I’ve never looked at sex as a right. I also don’t look at my wife as a whore so won’t ever balance her desire for sex with a question of whether I “have taken care of business” by giving her a decent home or decent car. The very notion disgusts me. My wife is an intelligent, diligent, hard working woman and we “have taken care of business” as a partnership though she has never needed me for that. She can bring home her own bacon. There is no room for such misogyny in our home.

 

female here - sexless marriage - not by choice - extenuating circumstances

I've chosen not to cheat, which in hindsight was stupid. I should have cheated long ago.

I pop in here occasionally just to remind myself that I was once 'hip' and there are people out there enjoying sex. Maybe someday I'll find myself in different circumstances and will enjoy a healthy sex life again. Maybe. In the meantime there are forums dedicated to people who are in sexless marriages and that's where I normally hang out, with people who understand the pain and torment of rejection, isolation, and loneliness. I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.

 

Is your husband religious?

 

There’s a saying that women need to be love to want to have sex and guys need sex to feel loved. My wife and I have not had sex in 2 years and probably only twice in the last 4 or 5 years. It was never a really sexual relationship but definitely was once better. Ours is different that many sexless relationships. We get along great. Hardly ever argue and also have a really close bond as husband/wife. She was sexually abused as a child is why she says she doesn’t ever want to again which I do understand that. Even the slightest comment from me about sex blows up into an argument of how she would never ever even bring it up if I had been abused but that it’s also my fault because I never initiate sex and I get all psycho about sex....my only defense is why would I initiate when she has repeatedly said she never wants to again and I haven’t tried anything in two years..how is that psycho? I’ve learned though it’s best not to even bring it up which I expect is her goal.

 

Well, I hope you get along well with your hand.

 

I applaud your willingness to sacrifice your sexual needs to stand by your wife. It is very honorable for you to do that. She is a lucky woman, I admire you. I really do.

 

Attachment is the root of all suffering. Buddha.... That made it easy to walk away from everything and everybody. The Universe has blessed me dearly since then. Not a coincidence.

 

Her perception comes from the abuse. She avoids the subject as a defense mechanism. If it's not mentioned, it won't hurt her. You're not psycho. It's what she retorts with in order to shut the subject off. Unfortunately she has such a deep emotional fear of sex she will probably avoid any therapy she really needs. You have a real best friend with this woman. A real companion who will stand by you in bad times as well as good. Many call it being roommates. I don't. I call it being as just as much in love without sex as with. Just don't rekindle the hurt that has been done by the abuse. However you satisfy your sexual urges be it through masturbation or with other people, never let her know the details. She may be able to accept you are still a sexual being and find relief through orgasm. Just keep the details between you and yourself and don't involve her as long as you can mentally do so. Therapy may be something for you to look into in order to further understand where she is. It may shed light on her emotions that are buried and repressed inside.

 

Barry, nice support for the fella. BTW, I'm reading your blog, it's interesting!

 

I was in a sexless marriage. It began being sexless on the honeymoon. No sex the entire week. Then once a month if I was fortunate. It was horrible. Looking back I should have left ASAP. I got horrible migrane headaches the kind where you barf and can't look at light and are nausious, etc If you want to discuss this let me know I have time on my hands and I am now happily married with plenty of my kind of sex.

 

Yes I'm in a sexless marriage and I need advice. We've talked about it and seen a counselor and my wife's assured me she's working on it and she wants to restore sex to our relationship but isn't doing enough. Touching my wife makes her feel intense anxiety and the counselor's advice was to face her fear even if it feels uncomfortable she needs to do it anyway to realise there's nothing to be afraid of and it actually feels good. The trouble is she only does what feels safe and comfortable so we're not getting anywhere.
Another thing is the power imbalance this whole thing has created. She has tremendous leverage over me because there's something I want from her and she holds the keys. She asks me to rub her feet every two or three days. About the first 20 times I did it happily but the next ten or so times I've felt a kind of resentment. How can she keep asking for this while holding back what she knows full well I desperately want? This would never happen in reverse. If I held back something from her - not just something but her favourite thing in the world - she'd never have the patience I've shown her. She would demand I change my ways and give her what she needs or she'd withdraw her love and affection from me until I acquiesced.

 

Who am I to give advice? but I have been there and it was the worst years of my life. I got migraine headaches, vomiting, nausia, etc. If it happened again and counciling revealed she just didn't want to have sex with you for unknown reasons then I'd most likely do separate sessions with the shrink and have the shrink tell your wife you are contemplating separating from her.

If you stay for the kids the kids will sense the problem and grow up with a twisted view of relationships. So everybody will be fucked up in the long run. If you want my advice solve the problem. You do not have to live a horrible shitty life just because you said "I do." So did she and she is not keeping her part of the contract.

She has a right to not want sex but you have the right to have sex with a willing partner. I was broke and working 2 jobs after the split to get by but it was very very worth divorcing her.

 

I'm going to offer a different perspective.

If you were willing to separate or divorce your wife, I don't think you would have seen a counselor or posted the above message.

When you married her, you made vows to each other. The common ones are: for better or worse, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer. I doubt that equality was in your vows. Life is not fair. Sometimes it is unfair in your favor, sometimes not. JFF divorced, re-married well and is leading a happy life. That may or may not happen to you.

Like JFF, I'm not qualified to offer advice. Take it or leave it, my advice comes in 3 parts.

(A) Man up
If you're not willing to give her an ultimatum, threaten her, cheat, separate or divorce, then man up and take it. Get into a new hobby. Buy an 80's super strat guitar with a whammy bar and start an 80's hair metal tribute band. Buy a gun or fishing rod, go kill something take a picture then eat it. That's what men do. But a Harley and join a bike club. Not an outlaw one obviously, just a club of guys who likes to ride the wind. But a boat, fix'er up and do the Great Loop. Buy a '77 Firebird formula 400 and restore it to mint, join a club of guys who likes to restore old cars. Buy a 3500HD Denali Duramax and tow something ridiculously large. This is what men do. Get a TIG welder and learning to burn steel. Join clubs based on your interests ... biker club, boat club, sailing club, gun club. Seriously, nothing like hanging out with a bunch of brothers. Do that for a while and they really become your bro's. I'm not even joking, get completely immersed in an activity or hobby. Sex is fun but there are so many pleasurable things in this world to do that I would say is equally as exciting and fun as sex.

(B) Counselors kind of suck
Counseling is a good move. Just remember that going to a counselor is like going to a teacher if you're being bullied. The teacher will tell you to not look the bully in the eye, maybe he'll say he won't put you in a group with the bully, or stay away from him. But as guys, we all know there is only one way to deal with bullies and that is to stand and fight, even if you lose. No teacher will tell you that. Likewise, a counselor is bound by monetary reasons to try and help you. He also doesn't want to get sued by giving bad advice. You will never hear a counselor say "you should get a divorce." He'll guide you with question to try and make you realize that yourself. As you see the counselor, just remember that the breadth of advice is limited. Sometimes you need some vigilante justice.

(C) Accept your burden
Keep rubbing your wife's feet and stop keeping score. I realize this is a tough predicament because unlike Barry M's situation, there are no medical reasons why your wife cannot have sex with you. Unlike JFF's situation, he divorced before children ... your wife is also the mother of your kids. So the decision to leave takes on more variables than just the lack of sex. And if you have kids, I'm guessing you have built up some assets together and the idea of splitting it does not appeal to you. Some of us were given burdens in our life. No one wants a burden, but sometimes it's just the hand we were dealt. If you're not willing to leave like JFF did, and if she's not willing to open up the marriage like Barry M's situation, stop playing the victim and acting like your cock is in bondage and accept your situation. Keep rubbing her feet without keeping score. Keep up with counseling, maybe things will turn around. Stay positive, be hopeful, not spiteful. Invest in her truly and deeply. Hopefully she will see how much you love her and she will come around in a year, two years, 5 years ... or it may not happen. But if you're going to be a dick about it, it won't happen for sure.

Good luck OP.

 

My wife and I had a great sex life for most of our marriage. She was comfortable with about anything her and I did together. At times I had to decline an invitation to the love bed from her to get a break. Then about five years before her retirement, there was a change in personal at the office she worked at. The new hires were past their prime you could say and sex was no longer in their marriage. AL, about the grandchildren type and many were very religious. The views of those trickled over to my wife. Sex became less frequent and boring. After she retired, medical issues came into play. Sex now is non existent. I fulfill my needs with my underdressing daily and masturbating which she supports. I also share pics, videos and occasionally meet up with a male friend for some interaction which she has no knowledge of.

 

Interesting bit of advice but think about it. When, where and why did a contract causing two people to remain together regardless of the situation, originate? I completely understand staying under any and all circumstances if you feel you are compelled by a religion which for many is the pinnacle of their rules for living.

I can also see that if one of the party had some sort of medical or mental situation which precludes them from joining in sex. But as I have stated in the past here on HF it is my view that two people live and experience each other joyfully. Once we name it “relationship” there are automatic rules, boundaries, restrictions, guard rails, must do’s and must not do’s.

I have experienced both men and women in my life, some for a few days other for a few years. Willy Nelson and Julio Ingelias sing about it, “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before.”

From a strictly human being perspective without the religion caveat involved, when one of the two people change after some time maybe it is clue to re evaluate the situation. Humans were not born to be unhappy and discontented year after year. If this is allowed they both fail to live a full and blissful life. We join together and learn and teach each other. Sometimes that ends and its time to move on. There is always more to learn and others to teach.

IMO discuss, discuss and discuss again and get to the nucleus of the problem and make a decision. Who would be hurt by moving on if one person says "I have changed and now I just don't enjoy sex any more?". That person should man up and say, "I don't blame you for wanting to move on, I would do the same in your shoes."

Some people are attached at the heart and maybe it will hurt for a time but in the long run it will be worth it. Been there and done that and I feel I have made the correct decision many years ago.

 

There is no doubt I made the right decision.
We have one life on this earth. One. You can't sacrifice any chance of happiness for the rest of your life because the person you are with is miserable.
I was married for 27 years with her. The last 13 were sexless. None. And no affection either. I don't know what happened, but she lost all interest in it. She didn't even pay that much attention to our children either. Clearly depressed. And medicated. But she refused to seek counseling.
I left. And I cannot possibly overstate how much better my life is for having done it.

 

I agree with you guys fully and completely.

Not that I need to defend my response. We are all entitled to our own ideas. But I was under the impression that NakedInfluence wasn't willing to get a divorce. If he did, he wouldn't be in a position to post that message. Therefore, I was responding with ideas on how to cope with the situation.

You guys got divorced and came out on top. Things got better for you. Of course you always hear stories of how people initiated a divorce and things got better. They can't wait to tell you how awesome their lives are. What about all of those other guys and girls who initiated a divorce by things got a lot worse. You just don't hear from them because they're not willing to come forward and admit it.

The line of reasoning where one says "well I did ABC and then EFG happened, so if you do ABC, EFG will happen too." I'm just saying it isn't a strong argument. It's like when someone says to you well, I dated two blondes and they were XYZ, so when you date a blonde she will be XYZ as well. Or when someone says Queen Elizabeth drinks a glass of brandy each morning and she is 94 and going strong. So if you drink a glass of brandy each morning, you too will live that long. Or, my uncle smoked and got cancer so smoking causes cancer. Well some people smoke their entire lives and don't get cancer. [shrugs]