The Wisdom Of Jefferson D'Arcy (From 'Married... With Children').

"Married... with Children" aired on the network Fox from 1987 to 1997. Steve Rhoades was the first husband to character Marcy D'Arcy (originally called Marcy Rhoades, of course) until 1991. Then in episode 92 (titled "Married... with Who?") she meets and marries Jefferson Milhouse D'Arcy. Marcy wakes up the next day to find them both married (reportedly after getting drunk at a bankers' convention).

And while Steve Rhoades, like Marcy, was a hard worker and usually earned his keep, Jefferson was more of a pretty boy. Maybe more Marcy's play thing, than husband. Although she did try from time to time to get him to work (usually with humorous results).

Here are some of the more humorous quotes and one liners from Jefferson on that show.


On Life In Prison (Before He Met Marcy):

"Jefferson D'Arcy! Get your lying, inmate ass over here now!!!"
"Ah, you know in prison, I could've had her silenced for 3 cigarettes."

-Married ... With Who,
Marcy and Jefferson D'Arcy,
Season 5, Episode 12,
Original air date: January 6, 1991.


Whispering Sweet Nothings With His Wife:

"Milk dud?"
"Tootsie roll!"

-Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do?,
Jefferson and Marcy,
Season 5, Episode 19,
Original air date: April 7, 1991.


On Dealing With His Wife's Pregnancy:

"Having sex with your pregnant wife is like putting gas into a car you've already wrecked."

-If Al Had a Hammer,
Season 6, Episode 3,
Original air date: September 22, 1991.


On Dealing With Sympathetic Pregnancy:

"My uterus hurts."

-Buck Has a Belly Ache,
Season 6, Episode 6,
Original air date: October 13, 1991.


On Why He Finds Marcy Beautiful:

"I'll have you know, Al, that I happen to like tiny bazooms. Oh, I had plenty of women before Marcy, and I swear you get tired of big, succulent breasts. Besides, I don't want a bunch of guys staring at my wife! I mean, that's the good thing about Marcy, no guy ever... [Marcy grabs him below the waste and he screams]"

-The Gas Station Show,
Season 6, Episode 23,
Original air date: April 26, 1992.


What He Cries Out When He's Intimate With Marcy (i.e., When They "Do It"):

"Oh, God! Oh, Jefferson! Oh, God!"
"Oh, God! Oh, Jefferson! Oh, God!"

-What I Did for Love,
Marcy and Jefferson D'Arcy,
Season 7, Episode 5,
Original air date: October 11, 1992.


Giving Al Advice On Insurance Fraud:

"Look, Al. Al, you're not gonna settle for 50 bucks, are you? They pay you for what's in the car as well. Now what did you have in the trunk?"
"Parts of the carburetor left over from when I took it apart, a salami that I was aging."
"No, Al. You tell them you had jewelry, paintings, cash..."
"*AND* a salami!"
"Follow me, Al. *TWO* salamis..."
"I think I'm starting to get your drift. I think I had a loaf of bread in there too."

-Old Insurance Dodge,
Jefferson D'Arcy and Al Bundy,
Season 7, Episode 24,
Original air date: May 9, 1993.


About Dealing With The Doldrums:

"You know what I used to do when I was your age and I was feeling down and out like this? I'd get me a woman. And we'd do it like
animals in the car. It always made me feel better."

Proud to Be Your Bud,
Season 8, Episode 3,
Original air date: September 19, 1993.


On His Former Life:

"Look, my real name isn't Jefferson D'Arcy. I used to work for the CIA, and a few years ago, I was involved in a covert operation
that sent a lot of bad people to prison for a long time. But there was this one guy that got away, the only person in the
world who can blow my cover. Walter Trogett."
"Well, thank God! I thought you were gonna tell me you dated Cher."
"Well, I did, but it wasn't part of the job. It was my turn..."

-The D'Arcy Files,
Jefferson and Marcy,
Season 8, Episode 20,
Original air date: March 20, 1994.


On Marcy's Medical Status:

"Oh, Marcy's in another one of her foul moods. PMS. You know, post-MasterCard syndrome."

-Shoeway to Heaven,
Season 9, Episode 1,
Originally aired: September 4, 1994.


On Employment (Like I Said, Marcy Did Try To Find Him Work):

"Well, I think she's beautiful."
"Yeah, but you think Jefferson works."
"I don't know about you, but when I sweat and don't enjoy it, I call it work."

-Naughty but Niece,
Marcy, Al Bundy and Jefferson,
Season 9, Episode 4,
Original air date: September 25, 1994.


And Finally, On His Tattoo:

"So the tattoo on my butt said 'I Love M-A-R-Y'."
"So What? M-A-R-Y. Marcy."
"There's a C in Marcy."
"M-A-R-Y-C? Oh yeah, the C is silent."

-The Agony and the Extra C,
Jefferson, Kelly and Bud,
Season 10, Episode 18,
Originally aired: February 11, 1996.