The Tale of Ceasar Stonerus

Here I present you The Tale of Ceasar Stonerus.

Prologue

Written by SWIM on
Lemon Haze​

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Ceasar Stonerus, full name: Julius Jointus Stonerus Ceasarus, was sitting on the throne in his mansion smoking fat blunt. In Rome, every social status had its own joint. Only Ceasar was allowed to use XXL ceasarsize papers rolling the fattest joints in the Empire. Plebs was allowed to only use 2 small rizzla papers and could smoke only spliffs. Ounce of pure greed costed 1 denari, due to new trade connection with Egypt. But then the economic crisis arrived. Ceasar Stonerus had to close most of trade routes. Constant attacks from barbarians decreased Ceasars stack dramatically. Now ounce costs 10 denari. It is still not an issue for the richest of the richest, however it is causing riots in the Empire. Last week, Ceasar had to fire one of his three personal blunt rollers. More time spent rolling only added to the issues.

[name] entered the palace. “Ah, who do my bloodshot eyes see!”, one roller ripped the paper, spreading Juliu’es personal weed on the floor. He stopped shocked, then started screaming for mercy, but guards have already grabbed him. “No! Only not the seeds! Please!” - he shouted. His punishment was to spend twenty years in prison smoking the worst dank in the known world. Seedy, with sticks. Not many have survived this. The only worse punishment was smoking prohibition, but even Ceasar isn’t cruel enough to punish this way. While poor bastards screams were lowering down when he was being taken futher and futher down the corridor, Stonerus said: “Come here, my best Preator, take a hit of my blunt”. [name] approached ceasar, while slave passed him a joint. It was the best weed known to current man, covered with golden crystals. He took a hit and froze in place. “What has lead you back to Rome, [name]?” - Julius asked. Praetorian was staring blindly into space in front of him. Slave took the joint front him and passed it to Ceasar, but [name] didn’t even seem to realise that anything changed and kept trying to puff on an invisible joint. After a moment of awkward silence he said: “Our scouts have discovered the biggest weed plantation on barbarian territory. I have already organised all legions, but we need you for this one, Jules… I mean… Ceasarusus… no...”, Julius stopped him. “I agree. With the north we will be able to re-establish trade routes and bring the Empire to the golden age.” [name] nodded, turned around and left the room moving awkwardly and puffing on his imaginary joint. When the doors closed, Ceasarus said: “I’ve changed my mind. Send that roller to colosseo.”

It was a beautifull day and Ceasar was tripping profoundly on shrooms, while waiting for the fights to start. Little did he know, that his personal roller was a gladiator who received his freedom after winning the Olympics in Athens, Rome and Nova Carthago. In fact thats why Julius made him his personal roller, but due to the amount of quality weed he smoked, he simply forgot. Stonerus was already on after-effects when [roller-name] entered the arena. He was suppossed to fight against huge cyclop. No one was sure if it was a real cyclop. Most people thought they were tripping and that was just a big, tall guy without an eye and with bad teeth. Greeks claim that cyclops are real, but everyone knows that while they had the greatest philosophers, most of them ended up either overdosing or with schizophrenia. They say one of them got naked, entered the barrel and lived there. When Arristostonus went to him and asked him why he does what he does, he replied: “Move ten joints to the right, dude, your blocking my view of ganja.”

After two hours of waiting the fight was cancelled, because the guy responsible for organising it just got an ounce and nobody could find him. Some say that he passed out somewhere in sewers. Stonerus announced: “Due to technical diffuculties todays fight is postponed to some time in the close future.” Crowd seemed to be too high to care.

Julius felt asleep while listening to one of his favourite artists.

It was a good day.
- Icus Squarus

[Break me]
[Shit..]
[Ave Ceasar..]
Just waking up in the morning gotta thank Jupiter god
I don't know but today seems kinda odd
No roaring from the lions, no smog
And slave cooked a breakfast with no hog
I got my robe on, but didn't pig out
Finally got a scrool from a girl wanna dig out
Hooked it up on later as I hit the do'
Thinking will i live, another one-orfo'
I gotta go cause I got me a drop top
And if I hit the switch, I can make the ass drop
Had to stop at a red light
Looking at the back not a barbarian in sight
And everything is alright
I got a beep from Kim and she can be Venus all night
Called up the homies and I'm askin y'all
Which court, are y'all playin dice?
Get me on the court and I'm trouble
Last week fucked around and got a triple double
Freaking brothers everyway like M.J.
I can't believe, today was a good day

Drove to the baths and hit the showers
Didn't even get no static from the cowards
Cause just yesterday them fools tried to blast me
Saw the rioters and they rolled right past me
No flexin, didn't even look in a niggaz direction
As I ran the intersection
Went to Praetorians's house, they was watchin Yo! RomeTV Raps
What's the haps on the craps
Shake em up, shake em up, shake em up, shake em
Roll em in a circle of niggaz and watch me break em
With the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven
Seven even back do lil Joe
I picked up the cash flow
Then we played dice, and I'm yellin domino
And now i am yelling dominoes
Plus nobody I know got killed in South Rome L.A.
Today was a good day

Left my niggaz house paid
Picked up a girl been tryin to fuck since the twelve grade
It's ironic, I had the power she had the chronic
The Lakers beat the Supersonics
I felt on the big fat fanny
Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny
And my dick runs deep so deep so deep
Put her ass to sleep
Woke her up around one
She didn't hesitate, to call Julius Ceasar the top gun
Drove her to the pad and I'm coasting
Took another sip of the potion hit the three-horse motion
I was glad everything had worked out
Dropped her ass off, then I chirped out
Today was like one of those fly dreams
Didn't even see a berry flashing those high beams
No barbarians looking for a murder
Two in the morning got the fat burger
Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp
And it read Julius Ceasar's a pimp
High as hell but no freaking out
Half way home and my messenger still blowing up
Today I didn't even have to use my javelin.
I got to say it was a good day.

Hey wait, wait a minute fool
Stop the shit
What the fuck am I thinking about?





Personal note​

This story has been written while being stoned like a biblical whore. This is the major cause of any historical inaccuraties and spelling mistakes.

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Let me know if you want more, and if you do suggest the [name] of Ceasars best Praetorian and/or [roller-name].

Everything is copyrighted or some shit. ©
5000 B.C. - 2014 A.D.
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