Being totally celibate for 65 years, i have no experience in this whatsoever, but, I am curious to see how other bi/gay men deal with this. Regardless how you "hook up" with another male who is interested in relations with you, how much to you listen to your "gut feelings? In other words, HOW do you know this other guy is being totally HONEST with you? He SAYS he's divorced, but, in reality, is still married. He SAYS he's "clean", health-wise, BUT, is he telling you the truth? He SAYS you MEAN something to him (not just on a physical level, but, also, on an EMOTIONAL level........how do you KNOW he's being sincere? Though I have not (and never will be) in a one-on-relationship with another man, I HAVE been backstabbed by several other platonic buddies.....bolts out of the blue. These were guys I supported during health crises and other serious issues, asking for NOTHING in return except their loyalty and friendship. I won't say it did not hurt, but, hell, it DID. I am far removed from an Eistien, but, even I know there can be NO serious relationship without TRUST; trust is the vital backbone of ANY mature, one-on-one relationship. So, as I am unable to trust, I have accepted the fact that I will be a celibate bachelor for the rest of my life; sure, it gets lonely as all hell, believe me, BUT, I will ALWAYS have my dignity and my self-respect. Both are integral to who I am.....and always will. So, how do you bi/gay fellows "playing the field" deal with the issues of trust and personal well-being? I'm looking forward to hearing your comments and thoughts on this.......
Moderator Note Can I just kindly remind posters before posting that this is a none sex section . Thanks
VERY good advice; I, also, want this topic to remain "sex neutral", and to hear the views of others regarding trust, emotions, and utilizing common sense over testestrone, in looking to establish a "relationship"...........
What I MEANT to say (my error!) is that this discussion would focus on the DECISIONS and "gut level instincts" used when looking for a "physical" partner. Good call, though!
TRUST your GUT is some special gift that comes from experience yet comes from also a willingness to take a risk. In all the times I have played, I have rarely walked into a situation where I felt unsafe. I have passed on some arrangements that seemed fishy or questionable. I even went so far as to stand at a door of one man's home, and told him "I'm sorry, I am not staying?" I've had moments on an elevator of an apartment building that my gut said "no" and I obeyed my gut - It might not have had anyting to do with the person - I can't say. It was just a feeling of safety. And I obeyed> I am not a person who cares if the other one is married or whatever - that is his choice toI be in whatever relationship he is in. I know some men say they won't play with a married man - OK, that's a choice. I make choices but whether he has a wedding ring on is one that does not matter to me. Is he lying about STDs, etc. I have to trust him. I also take precautions. I am on prep and I get tested every quarter - and more often if something seems wrong. But, in my life I have only caught a sexually transmitted disease once. I caught crabs more than once and that really made me mad because he had to have known. Those bugs are awful. But, I took care of things and I survived. Did it make me back off for awhile - sometimes, yes. Did I take responsibility? Yes, I called other partners and told them. Yes, it was uncomfortable, but it is the facts of life when you participate in events with more than one partner. Last year I ended a long relationship with one man - it was not going anywhere. He told me he was in love with me, and I fell for him, too. He told me he wanted to make a life with me, and even wanted to marry me. Was he lying? In his case, No - he turned out to be very confused and needy and very in his own closet, unable to accept himself as enjoying the relationship openly - he was fearful of judgement and losing his job, and his loved ones... and it was hard. But it was not the end of the world.
Obviously, your GUT feelings do not steer you wrong, my friend. STD's (of ANY kind) is something that affects ANY sexually active person, be they straight, bi, or gay. STD's are NOT particular WHO they infect, for certain. Being totally celibate for all of my 65 years, I never had cause to worry about catching anything from someone less than honest. You obviously, as I have said elsewhere, utilize both your common sense and your mature way of thinking in good stead. I've heard enough about crabs to be glad I am in no danger of ever getting them; I DO, however, like SOFT-SHELLED crabs, dusted with crumbs and fried in butter....(!!) It can often be quite difficult, from what iIve read and heard, to be a married bi guy looking for male companionship. So much to take into consideration, on a "gut" level, relying on both your maturity and your common sense......
Should you trust your gut? Ignore your instincts. Follow the data. - Vox Want to be happy? Don’t follow your gut.
Truthfully, I think it all boils down to simple common sense. When you hear alarm bells ringing in your head, there is usually a good reason their clanging. Too, I think it all has to do with the "gut reaction" of any given individual; no two people are alike......
Men will lie to you if they think it is to their advantage. Some people have a thing about being with a married man - to me, that it the man's decision. He is the one cheating on his partner. If yIou are looking for something beyond an encounter for physical pleasure, then you'd hope he would be truthful about his relationship with his partner so you can know how you want to proceed. I focus on this because I am married. Now, this is often a question I am asked when I am chatting with some guy. I dread it. I am married legally - but in my mind and for all practical purposes I am single. There is no paper trail declaring it. So, when asked, I hesitate. Should I lie about it? I wonder why this is important information to the other persons. So, I gingerly proceed to tell my truth. Sometimes I get the interesting response, "oh, good, so am I" which I take to mean he feels safe with me. For the guys who don't get it, sometimes the conversation goes on too long and it becomes too personal for the level of disclosure they seek. I don't blame a guy for being skiddish over my personal complications. It depends on what we are trying to decide to do.
"Men will lie to you if they think it is to their advantage".......an ASTUTE point, my friend. In ANY serious relationship (straight/gay/bi) it would indeed seem that TRUTH would be at the very core. But, these days, the truth often, all too often, is twisted and convoluted to the advantage of a man who is NOT being totally "on the level" with you. Here, then, is the issue......HOW do you KNOW that the fellow in question IS being HONEST with you? The answer is: You DON'T (unless, of course, you had a portable lie detector at the ready) This is one of the reasons I am glad to be a CELIBATE gay man, with NO inclination to meet other men......it's all about the TRUST involved. I am as far, far removed as an Einstein as you can get, but, even I know that in ANY relationship, if there is no TRUST, there can be no valid, meaningful relationship. Though have never (and never will be) in ANY one-on-one relationship with another guy, I have been backstabbed and hurt too many times to count by men I regarded as TRUSTED friends. I'd rather be lonely and safe, than to be looking for companionship and possibly getting hurt......again. My blessings to all gay and bi men who DO have that "special guy" in their lives......they have no idea how lucky.....and blessed......they are........
At the risk of perhaps repeating myself, IF you (as a gay/bi male) are attempting to "connect" with another guy who has several failed relationships under his belt, my advice would be NOT to get involved with him. You have no way of knowing just WHAT led to the failed m/m relationships that he's had in the past. When you feel that "gut feeling" beginning to send out subtle warning signals, do not ignore them; I think that would be a very wise and mature move on your part......
I have a close relationship with a woman, and another one with a man. In both cases, it works because we do not live together but we value each communication we have. It is not a contradiction to desire both independence and interdependence. For me, it is simply unrealistic to think that I could live with someone full-time every single day. Both of my long-term relationships are based on really valuing our together time and really valuing our alone time. You know that old saying, "Absence make the heart grow fonder"? It's so true, and it totally stokes the fire of affection.
You are, obviously, a man who is honest about his own views and feelings. You know both your desires and your limits. Quite honestly, you are, as some say, "experiencing the best of both worlds", emotionally and sexually. My best wishes that you will continue to to enjoy close bonds with these two important people in your life for many years to come......
