The Little Red Book

This poem is dominating my life at the moment. I'm trying to capture what that test really felt like... to me anyway. I'm obsessed...in a good way, I think. This is the last edit for a while. I will put it away now and have another look in a month or so.



:behead: The Test

In torturous silence
The hands edge ominously onward,
Feeding pressure-cooker air
That fan blades fail to stir.

Heads bowed, straining under burdens
They struggle to bear,
Concentrated rows of barefoot children
Plot their escapes
With graphite scratches
And stolen glances.

In shuffling silence,
They approach the master
Faces etched in terror.

Dutybound, detached
He shreds their paper ambitions,
Powerfully slashing with his blood-stained sabre,
Branding failure and scarring futures.

When all have been dispatched,
He surveys the carnage
Of slaughtered hopes
And dismembered dreams.

In exhausted silence,
He sinks to his knees,
Swamped by remorse,
Wracked by the guilt
Of his own ineptitude.
________________________________________________


Thanks Hypocrit and Vetty for your invaluable help.

 

I haven't read the revisions of this (sorry). But the final draft is very solid and well versed! You do a fine job weaving the descriptions with the metaphors and feeling.

 

:applause: :drummer: :sunny: :rockon:

This was awesome. Yes! Your plan to set it aside to rest awhile is a good one. Have a beer on me. Vetty

 

A Desperate Plea

Floating face-down
In a pool of murdered hope,
I sadly watch the two-faced street trader,
Who, laughing from his plastic stool,
Sells pidgeons now, not poultry.

Bald Eagle's eyes seem blind to this,
For I can see but vultures
Black armour-clad and angry,
Screeching their impatience
As my corpse marches on.

I am fearless, shoeless, hairless.
Their hatred has finally set me free.
But who will free my barefoot brethren?
Will you?
________________________________________________________

I am rarely moved so much by a photo. This is a 5 minute poem from last night. Unpolished. What do you think?

 

I very much enjoy your style! all of your pieces flow so well & you use wonderful imagry. I would have to say that "Love Smile" is one of my favorites, very cool metaphor.

 

This is excellent for 5 minutes! good job - doesn't it feel great when it flows like that! Passion is always good for your writing. In going back to work on this, if you intend it for an audience who will not have the benefit of the pic, think about adding some clues to the title and/or body of the work about the topic so you can pull the reader in from their context into yours. So for example, when you say pool of murdered hope, my context of living in a large U.S. city, I might envision a pool of blood and the two-faced street trader brings to mind a drug dealer.

The black armour-clad part is a good clue... and so is "who will free my barefoot brethren?" So you do take the reader into your context but further down in the poem. I like both of those very much by the way and wouldn't change either much including the part "screeching their impatience...." Reference to Bald Eagle is very clear, but wasn't sure about "sells pidgeons, not poultry." - although I like that but I couldn't interpret what it meant. A clue in the title would help or about the street - a reference to a city/country there could be a very distinct clue. Aidan, I like your writing very much, hope to see more soon.

 

Thanks Skyfire for your kind words, much appreciated.

Thanks again Vetty for your comments. I haven't actually written anything coherent in the last few days as I'm on the road in Laos for a couple of weeks(getting drunk and gathering inspiration). I will be back in a couple of weeks, hopefully returning to see some more of your poems on this forum. I will probably give this poem a little more thought during the long hours on buses/pick-ups. Back soon...

Peace,
A.

BTW. The pidgeons thing was refering to an article I read where the reporter had said that there are more and more plain-clothes spies on the streets in Myanmar now...the street traders are stool-pidgeons.

 

I did think stool-pidgeons when I read it but wasn't sure. Use to your advantage the streets and cities you are visiting... give us specifics... tell us Myanmar, Laos, etc. For example:

Floating face-down
In a Myanmar pool of murdered hope,

(of course if you are lying face-down you can't also watch the street-trader - so you need to change this part up a little to smooth the transition here on the next few lines)

most poetry in trying to make it more accessible for the reader at large - yes - skip using identifiers like a name of a city/country/etc.

Once I was told to think: What is the occassion of the poem? You are in Laos, tell those of us who have never and will never see it about it. The flavors, colors, encounters, smells... take us on your Laos Bus (title for your next poem?)

As always, love reading your stuff. I'll post something soon. I decided to write one poem a day for 31 days - but I probably will not post any of those quick drafts but I have others that I do want feedback on and will post one soon. Wishing you a good trip and safe return. Vetty

 

Jesus Christ!!

It's been 3 months since I've been able to write anything even remotely coherent.

Heeelllllppppp[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

 

Escape

Throttle open
Engine screaming
Dust burnt eyes
Wide open streaming
Salted protests
Down stubbled cheeks
Wind cracked skin
Like sundried creeks

FUCK! I swerve.
Phew, that was close.
No time to brake
Escaping ghosts.
But they just can't
Be left behind
They ride within
My guilty mind.

It seems I can't
Outrun the past.
FUCK! A truck!
Now peace at last.

_______________________________________

This is something of an instant poem. I'm really desperate to start writing again and hopefully this will uncork the creative juices.
As usual, I appreciate all criticisms of anything I post here.

 

Wow! I really like that last poem! I really like the struggle, the striving, and then the ending. Nice work.

 

i was going back through your thread and i really enjoyed watching "the test" develop...i do that a lot, leave a poem be for a while then go back and change it, tighten it up...the emotions in the final product are clear and strong...way to stick with it!

i also liked "escape," the language isnt heavy but it carries a heavy message, thats never easy to pull off...and the imagery in the first stanza is spot on...

 

Thanks skyfire. Yeah, the first stanza of escape just blurted out of me one night and the rest was an effort/struggle to finish it. I think I may have some editing to do on the second stanza, but I just wanted to get an idea of what some of you guys thought.
Peace,
A.

 

Suicide Note is fucking brilliant.

 

Phew, that was close.
No time to brake
Escaping ghosts.
But they just can't
Be left behind
They ride within
My guilty mind.
-i really like this

and i also enjoyed "The Test"
very powerful with good vocab and images, however im not so sure about the twist at the ending where he gains a heart, although i am one to talk, i twist everything. lol. but maybe mention something about him being alone, maybe his whereabouts and something about sinking into his own shadow

 

All I can say is, BRILLIANT. I loved most all of the pieces, and I love the way you capture the raw depth of emotion in each line. Beautiful.

 

gifted poets all have a good following, you are among them.

 

love's smile is aces, this stuff is great

 

Sleepless

Trapped under treacle skies,
No starlit dreams for me.
Prisoner of my poisonous mind.

I sit,
Finding patterns in my soul-smoke,
Endless exhalations of toxic mood rings
That stretch and drift,
Twist and die.
Enveloped in a darkness
That never delivers;
Not even a shadow.


_____________________________________________

This needs some more work. Any suggestions?

 

oooh i like! i can so relate...especially now, going through some crazy times as i am, at night my mind just races, but it never gets me anywhere...