The Empath and the Covert Narcissist

My SO and I have been together over 12 years. I was 17 when we started dating he was my first boyfriend. He has always suffered from severe depression and anxiety and I have done my best to be as supportive as I possibly can, but sometimes he creates conflict out of nothing, or when I try to talk about my feelings he makes me feel terrible and somehow the conversation always shifts to where I am the problem and I need to apologize. Around a year ago I randomly read something about Covert Narcissism and how it can often times be mistaken for anxiety and depression or even just go hand in hand with them. It clicked for me all of a sudden that I think he is a Covert Narcissist. He constantly gas lights me, if he doesn't get his way right away he will ignore me and completely shut down or start crying hysterically which happens at least a couple times a week most weeks. He will guilt me into doing things or make me feel extremely bad if he does something like a chore around the house or making dinner. The other day I called out sick from work and he had a fit and started crying and said he couldn't go to work either he was too tired. He is a severe alcoholic and drinks every single night anywhere from 5-6 beers to half a handle of liquor. If I ever bring it up he claims that he can't sleep without it and he always blames our animals saying they keep him awake all night.

Other times he's totally fine and we can have a good day or even a good week. But then sometimes I get really overwelmed and ask for help and as soon as I do we go down this cycle of guilt and blame shifting and drama. I am an Empath and I've read its common for Empaths to end up with any type of narcissist because we have this illusion that we can somehow heal the Narcissist and help them learn to empathize. I'm afraid that thats what has happened to me. This whole time I thought I was being a supportive partner of someone with depression and anxiety but now I'm realizing I've just been providing the narcissistic supply to someone that has been draining my emotions and compassion.

Has this happened to anyone else before? I do feel like understanding this has really helped me because I spent so much time thinking I was doing something wrong and it was my fault and why can't I make him happy and now I understand it isn't me, there's nothing I can do that will change him the best thing I can do is just coexist and stop engaging when he attempts to gas light or manipulate me.

 

No; it's not you. Empathy requires abstract reasoning ability; the ability to imagine the experiential reality of another, and by extension to care about their experience and outcomes, even if those do not effect you directly. Most people develop this skill between the ages of seven to eleven years old as they develop more formal operational cognitive skills. Adults who never learned to empathize have really missed the developmental boat; they grew up not only fully egocentric and unable to empathize with others, but learned alternative, dysfunctional ways to get their needs met; often as not through cunning and manipulation. Such folk are notoriously resistant to change, if for no other reason than the negative consequences of their behavior experienced by others is of no real relevance to them. Alcoholism and addiction can replicate these sociopathic tendencies in otherwise normal people; for those who pathologically lack empathy, it makes it much worse.
Life is shockingly brief and transient; more so than you can fully grasp at your age. Is this the kind of lover and life partner you imagined? Is this really how you want to live your life? Don't wake up one morning in your sixties only to realize that you've wasted it.

 

My, my, seems SO has quite an assortment of maladies. Nothing is going to change if you don't get the alcohol problem under control as that fucks up everything else.

Understand that some things and people just can't be fixed, especially if they don't want to be fixed and it's not your job to fix them even though you've spent the last 12 years trying. Unless he's willing to make some serious changes and get professional help, it's time for you to really consider what you want out of life and figure out your escape route. Looking after yourself is your top priority now. Yes, there will be conflict, but nothing changes if nothing changes.

 

Good observations from the above two posters that responded to your post. Coexist? I have to ask --why do you feel that you deserve such treatment? As a self described empath, I believe that you have so much to give to someone that would appreciate you for the kind and caring soul that you are. Someone that would love you and return the concern that you obviously display to the damaged person with whom you have cohabited. ( for way too long) You have somehow been made to believe that you are obligated to suffer through the miserable condition in which he has placed you. (or you have placed yourself) .You must know / believe that this condition that you have allowed him to impose upon you does not HAVE to be your lot in life. Move on safely and do not waste any more of your life on that person. You deserve love , consideration, loyalty, joy and a peaceful life henceforth. Do it NOW.