That Spinny Feeling... Can't Get A Grip

I have anxiety, depression and borderline OCD as diagnosed by a therapist. I have wanted to go in for a psychiatric evaluation to see what I am dealing with in depth, but have been unable due to a myriad of obstacles (other health issues taking priority, financial instability, lack of time off at work). My therapist can't prescribe medications, though I do have the option of at least getting my hands on an as-needed beta blocker to take as needed to deal with panic attacks (I also have a heart palpitation condition, so a general doctor's visit would be enough to get this prescribed).

I can't take SSRIs because my brain does not tolerate it well due to my low threshold for seizures. The last time I took one (Zoloft) was back in 2005, and while it helped my anxiety and elevated my mood beautifully, after a few weeks in, I suffered a grand mal seizure, complete with concussion from banging my head on my computer desk and the floor of my apartment repeatedly. I was in high school and it really set me back in terms of learning to drive and getting my license.

Fast forward 10 years and I am finally in therapy to try and deal with my issues. Sometimes I feel fine. Other days I feel like I must be losing my mind. I feel like I'm spinning or dancing too fast and I'm going to trip over my feet. Like I'm losing my grip. I call these "bad brain days." I'm having one today. I had one yesterday. The weekend that I spent with one of my friends was okay, but prior to that, I was extremely depressed. I hate this. I have always thought of myself as independent, but really I have always had someone- friends, lovers, etc. I've been living on my own since last May, and while I have enjoyed my freedom immensely, I have these days where I feel so needy.

Historically I have always clung to my lover during these times, so without one, I'm trying to find ways to self-soothe. Unfortunately that turns into a lot of days spent in bed watching Netflix and funny cat videos online. I got a kitten thinking she would brighten my spirits (as well as give my older cat someone to play with) and sometimes she makes me very happy, but other times, I just don't care (I love her of course, and take good care of her always, it just doesn't bring me the joy that it should).

I've set up my apartment so that all the things I love to do by myself are there. I have lots of books and movies, I like to play with hair and make-up and I'm trying to paint. I daydream at work about doing these things when I get home, but after getting into lounge clothes, making dinner, cleaning up and getting ready for the next day, I'm back to being unmotivated, depressed and just looking for a distraction that I can zone out at to make me laugh or hold my attention till I go to sleep.

I don't hate my job, but it's certainly not my passion. I've entertained the idea of changing careers, but have no idea what I would do instead or how I would support myself through school to do so. I hardly make bank. I have no savings because I have been living paycheck to paycheck over the last year and since I got my raise, I've just been making ends meet while I catch up on all the medical bills and car repairs I have had to neglect up until now.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I try to remind myself all the time. But I still feel like I'm barely scraping by emotionally. I am so mentally exhausted from the day that at night and over the weekend, I'm just licking my wounds and I have no energy for anything other than that. I've been trying to get more active, but every week has been a new problem keeping me from getting to the gym. This week, my car is dead, which is like my worst fear. I turned the key and it didn't even click. Something is wrong and I am sitting at work stressing over it rather than being able to do anything about it. The only people that could help me with it are recovering from surgery and working a 12-hour shift. I've had to rely on co-workers for rides to and from work today and I'm going to have to ask my grumpy neighbor for a jump tonight so I can get it to my friend's house tonight so he can look at it. Pay day isn't till Friday. I'm just so boned if he doesn't know how to fix it.

Little things like this are constantly derailing me and freaking me out when I feel like other people just take it in stride. Little things like a friend being a little rude to me when they're not feeling well- I internalize it and I'm sad for days. It's ridiculous and pathetic and totally inescapable. As much as I try to reason with it, it hears me out, quiets down for five minutes and comes right back, like constant background noise that just drags me down.

I thought I was just recovering from a bad breakup, but it's been months and I'm still like this. I think this is stuff that I have always had, but as I've always been somewhat sheltered and had all my needs met and taken care of, I'm finally learning what it is to live with these issues and deal with them on my own. And I feel like I'm failing miserably.

I don't feel like I'm going to do anything to myself or others, but I just feel like it's so hard to function (some days it's impossible). I see little bits of progress here and there (like I don't feel the need to stay home from work anymore- as much as I want to, I will still go to work), but it's so slow-going, and I feel like I've hit a plateau. I can't afford to go to my therapist every week. Unfortunately the last few times I've seen her, I've been very "high" and hopeful and happy about the things I've set up for myself and progress I've made. Then I'll hit a low and suffer for a while, which never seems to be on a week when I am seeing her. I've tried journaling and showing it to her so she has an idea of what's going on when I don't see her, so I guess she knows...

The roller coaster is just getting exhausting. I try and tell myself it will pass, but even when I'm happy, and I think "hell, this is great! I'm cured!" there is still a part of me that knows it won't last and I'm going to go back to being trapped in this grey and blue feeling. I'm just so tired... from work, from missing having someone and being disappointed in my weakness and trying to convince myself I don't need them, from trying to get through interactions with people and struggling with whether or not to answer "how are you?" honestly, to just figuring out what to do with my free time, because apparently I have no problem wasting hours on tumblr looking at funny pictures and chatting with strangers, but trying something new that I might fail at? What a waste of time!

I'm so sick of this shit. I want to press pause for a few minutes and catch my breath. I want my pills back so I can chill out and stop worrying and stop feeling so inexplicably sad without losing my driver's license, not drink stress tea and turn into a zombie that feels nothing and has no motivation. I want to be healthy so my friends and family can stop worrying about me and so little things they say and do can stop cutting me so deeply. I just want to be better, and it's so disheartening to think that this is my life forever. To wallow in non-problems and barely be able to tolerate a sideways glance for-fucking-ever. I would love nothing more than to give no fucks ever again, but I GIVE ALL THE FUCKS EVER. FUCK THIS. >_<

 

Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this and struggling with these emotions. I can definitely relate, I have major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, and ADD. I was diagnosed about 8 years ago or so, but I knew before that. If you take anything from this, know that someone else has been where you are and you're not alone, and rememer that things can and will get better. Every storm runs out of rain.

Anyway, I know how you feel. I have debilitating panic attacks that forced me to drop out of high school, kept me from getting my driver's license until I was forced to a few weeks ago due to my job, and I only recently was stable enough to get a job. For me, having a job gives me something to do during the day and keep me busy, keep my mind busy. Sometimes I get panic attacks while at work, and the best way I've found to cope with it is to tell myself, "I'm panicking. I'll be okay, I just need to relax. I'm okay."

One great tip I learned for calming an anxiety attack is to look around the room and start naming everything you see around you, say it aloud. "I'm in my bedroom, laying in bed. I see my fan, television, Chico's cage, my closets, my door, Slinky's cage, my dresser, there are pictures on the wall..." that sort of thing. Reality orientation.

Take care of yourself, don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing the best that you can do in your situation. Try your best to make every aspect of your life as happy as possible: surround yourself with good people, eat healthy but yummy foods, try to enjoy your job or find one that you enjoy, and don't be afraid to take naps or a long bath. Another thing is that I try to dress nicely and put effort into myself, because it makes me feel good and doesn't allow me to slip into that place where I don't brush my hair for a week and wear the same sweatpants and t-shirt three days in a row. Be gentle with yourself. Know that you are worthy of love. Treat yourself like a friend would.

Animals are good friends, when you're feeling down, force yourself to play with the cats, groom them, snuggle with them.

You can always call a mental illness hotline to talk to someone, I'm more than sure they'd be happy to listen and do their best to help you. Feel free to message me any time if you'd like to talk

Ultimately, just try to focus on the positives even when it's hard and know that there's always tomorrow. Sending love and hugs your way

 

Thank you. I do try to remember that tomorrow is another day and I can try again. I hate this feeling of being so useless sometimes, though. And I wish I could shake this "I'd be fine if I had someone to belong to" feeling. I know having someone doesn't fix you. It just puts your problems on them. I don't want to do that because I've had it done to me and I know what a burden it is for someone to lean on you so heavily all the time.

I know I'm not alone, but also am aware of people that are dealing with more and handling it much better than I am. then I feel like shit for whining.

I just feel like I'm waiting for my life to start. I'm holding my breath till I'm better and I can get on with doing what I want to do. I need to stop doing that and realize this is it. This is the hand I've been dealt and I need to play it as well as I can.

Just sometimes I really don't fuckin' wannna... -_-

 

Get rid of the car, gym membership, therapist fees, cost of meds.....and you wouldnt need to live paycheck to paycheck

 

I can't get rid of my car. I can't rely on the kindness of others for my transportation to my livelihood (or pay them gas I am paying for now), never see my family three states away unless they come to me and generally feel trapped in my house in a questionable neighborhood. This has been suggested before, and some people can make it work, but it would not help me. I feel like it would only make me panic more.

I'm not taking any meds aside from a stomach pill for stomach problems and that's only a few bucks. It's a temporary thing.

Gym membership fee is $7 through work. That's like the price of a big lunch. I can swing that once a month. The health benefits will pay for themselves.

Therapist is $40/mo. I think this is necessary right now and that's my choice.

So yeah, total savings for the things I can afford to get rid of would be about $50.

I'm not living paycheck to paycheck anymore, but the extra is getting eaten up catching up on all the things I needed when I was living that way. I'm doing much better than I was, and I'm much better off than some, so I hate to bitch, but I keep having to open up all of these financial cans of worms that I have not wanted to touch for just that reason and trying to prioritize them has been a nightmare. Because they're needs. I need them all. Glasses so I can stop straining my eyes and getting headaches, a dentist visit so I can keep my teeth, stomach pills and GI appointments that have been dragging out so I can stop the constant pain I've been in for two years, and maintenance visits to keep my car up and running. Manageable stuff if I do it right. But my head... it's spinning... I need to lay down... I don't care and I care too much at the same time... Oops I've gone tharn. @_@

 

Sorry to hear that you are having these troubles.

I may have mentioned this before, but this post may be helpful http://www.hipforums.com/forum/topic/458019-treating-depression-and-anxiety/?p=7515599

Since you have a disability (anxiety and depression), you may be eligible for some disability services in your state. 211 may be able to help connect you to some services. You might be able to get some discounted health insurance.

Living with roommates may help you financially. There can be some stress and politics with living with roommates, but you could also be happier that way.

 

...So... I'm being totally real right now, you guys... right after I posted that, I was called into my boss's office and was offered a second raise... Apparently they wanted to give me more at my last one to catch me up with the rest of my team because I was working at the same pay grade but not making as much and they had to get some kind of special approval first. I just got almost another dollar an hour... the DAY my car breaks down...

...I feel really dumb for bitching about money now...

Thank you, newbie, I don't think I'll need to apply for aid (though I will peruse that post as it's always good to have more tips and learn new coping skills).

Holy shit, it's going to be okay. 0_0