Tell your story

Discussion in 'Recovery' started by lovelyxmalia, Jan 3, 2012.

  1. lovelyxmalia

    lovelyxmalia Banana Hammock Lifetime Supporter

    I figured I would make an "introduction" thread in order for us to tell our stories about addiction and what led to the decision to finally put the addiction to rest.

    I started doing cocaine when I was 16. It was easily available to me. I started off just doing it at parties. It ended up leading to needing it in order to get things done, then in order to go to school, and eventually it got to the point that I needed it just to get out of bed in the morning.

    One day, at the peak of my addiction, I woke up feeling very dizzy and nauseous...more than I normally felt. I got out of bed and immediately fell on the floor. My nose started bleeding profusely and when I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes were extremely red (popped blood vessels).

    My mother had to drive me to the emergency room. My blood pressure was 188/111 which is dangerous for a tiny girl like me. I spent over a week in the hospital because they were afraid I was going to go into cardiac arrest.

    I don't remember much from that time, however, I do remember getting out of the hospital and knowing I was never going to touch the stuff again. My life was more important than an addiction.

    Its been a tough road for recovery. I've been around it and the temptations were awful. However, it DOES get easier. I go more days without thinking about it now and I don't feel the need to talk about "those times" anymore.

    It was quite the lesson to learn when I was sitting in that hospital bed, feeling useless.

    Its been over 3 years since the last time I touched the stuff. After some hard times, it was hard not to go to it as a crutch, but I occupied myself with other things to cope.

    Find your coping method. Working out, reading, writing, hiking, ANYTHING! Mine was reading and writing...and being around people I love.

    I hope my story helps some of you in your road to recovery. Just remember that your choice to END your addiction is also your choice to LIVE a better life.
     
  2. wisp

    wisp Member

    i started drinking while i was in school about 15 years old , stealing drink from the oldmans liqour cabinet , mixing everything and anything together just to get my buzz on . My parents died in a car crash while i was in my last year of school so i had to drop out to support my kid brother and sister , all the extra responsiblity for a 17 year ..i dunno i start drinking more . When i was 23 i joined the Army went to Angola , got wounded and increased the drinking .My first wife divorced me while i was recovering from the wound in hospital so another excuse to drink presented itself - i have seen my daughter 3 times between then and now .

    I got remarried and actually stopped for a while , about three months i think but the the marriage got real nasty , another excuse to drink and by this time was smoking dagga and popping pain meds, slimming tabs to stay awake , anti depression drugs think they were called molypaxins , take that cocktail everday and it will destroy anything . Second divorce.

    I was homeless, unemployed , broke and on the point of offing my self when i met my 3 rd wife , i cant explain but some how she had and effect on me in a good way . She let me drink as much as i want something noone else had done .She supported me , she helped me get a job , so stood by me so much so that i actually cut back on the drinking myself , i cant explain it why but it just happened till i stopped , i went to AA for years they helped , they really did but still i take it one day at a time .

    I can never recover what i lost but i did take my life back and thats what counts
     
  3. OneLifeForm

    OneLifeForm Member

    I am a recovering addict named Sean.

    I grew up in what some might call a broken home. Parents went through a nasty divorce that I was fortunate to be very young through as I don't remember as much as I could.
    It was harder on my older brother.

    I went back and forth between my parents.

    Week here, week there... repeat endlessly.

    Everytime I thought I was getting comfortable I had to pack up all of my belongings and go to the other house. I realize now looking back that I never felt like I had a home.

    A lot of times my father would choose not to buy food for the house, heat/hot water or any other things my brother and I might have needed because he "didn't have the money."
    Now I know that he just didn't want to spend his money. I don't know what he blew his money on. He never abused substances. So he is a good example of how addiction has little to do with the most apparent symptom which for myself was the drug abuse.

    My mother provided the best she could, I am very grateful for that, we never went without a meal when over there.

    As I got older I became more and more uncomfortable with myself.
    In 8th grade I started hanging out with people who used drugs because they "accepted" me. The summer after 8th I smoke marijuana for the first time with my brother.
    After that I was using all the time.
    Very early into my usage with marijuana I felt there was a problem with what was taking place.

    I started abusing other drugs very soon after marijuana. I became a professional very soon. I was always very good (still am) at whatever I applied myself to.

    Started selling drugs to support my habits. When I was 15 or 16 my dad asked me if I wanted to move out to Flint or stay where we were. I knew it would be cheaper if he moved to Flint and I knew I would be at much easier access to many different drugs.

    My addiction really escalated. Right after moving in I walked around the street and asked people if they knew where I could get what I wanted. I was the only white person in a nasty neighborhood besides my dad who didn't leave the apartment.
    I met some connections, started selling xanax heavily. Tried coke the first time at 16 I believe. I liked it alright, wasn't the best quality but if the kid would have kept breaking out more I would have kept doing it.
    I didn't do it again for about a year. I was still selling xanax, supplying many many addicted people. One of my best customers came while I was at school to get some, I walked out the back door of the school and hopped in his car to sell him some. I gave him an extra because he was always getting them off of me.
    He was thrilled and asked if I wanted to do a line of coke.
    My mind flashbacked a year and responded, "Hell yeah!"
    Did that and went back to school and ran into the kid I first did it with and told him. He asked if I'd take him out to Flint so he could score some. I did a couple more lines with him.

    After that I was in full blown addiction with the customer I gave an extra pill to.
    Him and I would do it everyday, I was able to actually support my habit for a while by selling drugs.

    That uncomfortability with myself grew to a strong self hatred.

    Everything was down hill from the time I smoke that first little bit of weed with my brother.

    My ideal night became hiding in my closet with cocaine, cooking it up into crack smoking some of it and snorting the rest.

    My heart/chest started hurting after not too terribly long. I was scared, the first time I realized that I am going to die or be handicapped for life if I continue this.

    I told my mom, "I want to go to rehab. I've got a problem."

    I went and plugged in with Narcotics Anonymous when I got out.

    Stayed clean for 5 months then had a reservation to eat acid. I ended up acting on that December 26th of 2008. I used for about 4 days and at the end of the fourth was ready to put a bullet in my head or start smoking crack again.

    January 1st, 2009 I went to a meeting and cried on a members shoulder and have been clean ever since.

    January 1st, 2012 was my 3 years clean.

    Life in recovery is beautiful. I have made huge mistakes but the most important thing I did was not use drugs. With abstinence I have a chance at life one day at a time.

    My domain is currently in Flint, MI but I am planning on moving to Florida to where my mother moved in August. My grandparents are down here too. I brought my cats down here already.

    I have to leave on the 6th and part of me doesn't really want to go back to the environment I created for myself but I know that I have to.

    It was difficult being a foreigner in a new area going to NA meetings but I have actually built up some familiarity with a lot of members here and they don't want me to leave either! :)

    I have opportunities today.

    I am actually living life.

    My worst day in recovery is infinitely better than my "best" day using.

    That self hatred I drowned myself in is no longer there.

    I love myself today.
     
  4. wisp

    wisp Member

    Thank you for sharing and congrats taking your life back :2thumbsup: , it takes guts to do what you did , giving up any addiction is not easy , strongs bro and remember you are not alone in this .
     
  5. lovelyxmalia

    lovelyxmalia Banana Hammock Lifetime Supporter

    Wow, I didn't even think to write WHY I started doing drugs, like you guys did!

    I notice that with every addiction, there is always some fuel behind it...something from the past...

    For me, it was being from a broken home, being raped and pregnant at 11, and probably because I had such a dysfunctional family and life for a good 10 years. Cocaine made me feel like I was in control of something when everything was so uncontrollable around me.

    I never really had support with my addiction...I didn't run to anyone or go to meetings (which I probably should have gotten help). I'm sure its much more difficult facing the recovery without any help. Which is why this forum is awesome, because we can provide the help to each other when things get rough.
     
  6. wisp

    wisp Member

    @Lovelyxmalia -Its true what you say there is always some fuel behind the addication , i start drinking because of my abusive father , broken collar bones, cheekbones , cigarette burns, black eyes etc .I realised later that i kept looking for reasons to drink instead of looking for reasons to stop . I think a lot of addicts are the same .

    I agree i need this forum , i need the support and need to give support to others as well , if we can help support more recovering addicts like ourself we might just make the world a better place for ourselves and them .
     
  7. wisp

    wisp Member

    @ aerianne welcome to recovery and thank you for sharing . It takes alot to open up and pour ones heart out. i do hope that your son joins us here . We all need to help each other . By helping others to stay clean and sober we help ourselves as well . Peace be with him and you
     
  8. Aerianne

    Aerianne Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    Thank you, Wisp.
     
  9. Crayola

    Crayola =)

    Your stories bring tears to my eyes, i feel like hugging u all... Its important to learn from those stories, so thank u for posting them for others to see. Hopefully it will trigger something off for others. It is nice to see that some people CAN recover from addictions, and to some extent from their past injuries.
     
  10. Jo King

    Jo King wannabe

    To say there is always some reason for an addiction just seems to be a justification.
     
  11. Aerianne

    Aerianne Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    Sorry, but I felt like I needed to remove my story.
     
  12. uitar9

    uitar9 Member

    Thanks for sharing you guys-

    I started drinking when I was 13 or 14-weed, acid, mescaline/mda, (thought I was a pharmacist for a while) a year later. Was smashed for 5 years when threat of getting busted for moving weight got me to move to another location. Drinking continued until I was 33. Black outs, drunk driving, binges, finally hit a bottom and white knuckled it for 20 years when job loss got me drinking again. Been at it for 5 years. A failed suicide in our family caught my attention and I attended an AA meeting to help the family member. Finally realized I had a problem.

    84 days today-doing step 5 next friday-starting to feel a little anxiety. Going to meetings, reading the BB, doing the steps, got a sponsor. My life is starting to change.

    Have a good 24
     
  13. jimmyjoe1

    jimmyjoe1 toker Lifetime Supporter

    yeah true. mine was a mental obsession for booze had to have alcohol..
     
  14. stinkfoot

    stinkfoot truth

    Mr Jo's opinion is not universally shared here.. at least not his word choice. I envisioned this to be a place where people can pour their hearts out without the facet of being judged or looked down on.
     
  15. uitar9

    uitar9 Member

    Found a new meeting this morning-6 guys counting me-Love the fact you can pour your guts out to total strangers and everyone feels better-guy came up to me afterward, thanked me for sharing then went on to tell me this was a room where nothing was off limits. Even assholes. Made me think of the guy who said :take what you want from a room and leave the rest. Acceptance. Have a good 24
     
  16. stinkfoot

    stinkfoot truth

    Those are nice indeed... and having a room open to anything and anyone has its place... though it's important to be able to close the assholes out so you can feel comfortable pouring your guts out and not feel that you're being judged.

    "There, but for the grace of God go I" is something I try to be mindful of when seeing another person in a difficult spot- even because of his or her own actions. the saying is a sort of reminder that I'm just as capable of making the same mistakes so just because I may not also be in that predicament does not mean I'm a better person than the person who is.

    You need a good foundation to weather a storm but you can't build that foundation during a storm.
     

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