Tell me what parts of this poem are good or bad

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by Incense, Jan 2, 2005.

  1. Incense

    Incense Member

    I wrote this maybe twenty minutes ago... haven't edited it once yet... tell me if you like it or not, what parts you like, or if it makes any sense at all. I'll post a cleaned up version of it later. It doesn't even have an ending. I don't know why but I felt like posting it, it's the first poem I've written since I was obsessed with poetry about a year ago.


    Here it is:

    o, Angel,

    carry me high high high
    Into the shadow sky

    The wind is cold

    It’s felling trees

    I don’t care where you drop me I just want to fly

    And have that feeling

    When I was younger

    When I hated everything around me

    But the future held no danger

    (It was yet unarmed, and I am unarmed now I face it as a half imaginary specter, dark, with these big trembling glasses on it’s nose, all I have to do is believe in something I don’t know

    But its alright the Angel will carry me off

    I will fly

    Into the shadow sky,

    The gloom

    And maybe even I’ll land somewhere on a street I’ve seen through sleeping eyes the wind is still and dusty

    And I drink magic water from magick puddles and people are all coy and childlike and I find food lying around.

    And I walk half a state per hour and have adventures.

    Beautiful. Just like that good time in my life when everything was so ugly only the world inside grew, grew, grew til it filled me with it’s beauty.

    It feels dirty.

    Everything always takes over and feels dirty because the Angel dumped me in some sort of swamp.

    I’d even rather be out where the wind is felling trees than be in this sort of swamp.

    Of course I’d rather be out where the wind is felling trees.

    Can’t you feel the wind, just now?

    The wind is like coffee.

    It’s stimulating,

    And it’s in the Autumn.

    But it will blow you away when there is no coffee to where there is no coffee because it isn’t warm or brown it’s like this time when you woke up from your dreams and caught real glimpses of the real world cold and sweet
     
  2. ripple23

    ripple23 Member

    yo, overall i didn't really like the poem that much. it was too 'talky' if you know what i mean, you could fix this by spending more time showing rather than telling. it just seems to me like for such a long poem you could have expressed more.

    i like the extreme variation in line lengths though, and some parts of it are actually pretty good, i like the end particularly
     
  3. smlchance

    smlchance Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    there lots of good parts! i couldn't find any bad parts. it is extremely cute and fanciful it's got lots of sharp twists that are kinda rough when spun, but i wouldnt change any of it. it's a beautiful description of falll. I love the wind! and i love that "the wind felled the trees" how queer and magical.

    thanks for the great poem!

     
  4. gdhmomchild

    gdhmomchild Duct tape abuser

    ~* It has some good line but its all over the place and didn't have a good flow IMO. It rhymes then not its wordy then not then is then rhymes a bit more then not... hard to hold my attention.

    Can’t you feel the wind, just now?
    The wind is like coffee.
    It’s stimulating
    And it’s in the Autumn.

    fav lines.
     

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