Discussion in 'Love and Sex' started by bedlam, Apr 8, 2005.


Would you 'swing' if partner was up for it?

  1. yes

    14 vote(s)
  2. no, never

    29 vote(s)
  3. already have!

    32 vote(s)
  4. would like to but wouldn't dare ask partner

    12 vote(s)
  1. SkeeterVT

    SkeeterVT Member

    How can it be cheating if both partners are playing with the same person at the same time? Swinging requires the mutual knowledge -- and consent -- of all parties. It's cheating ONLY if there is a lack thereof.

    -- Skeeter
    James T likes this.
  2. SkeeterVT

    SkeeterVT Member

    Monogamist rubbish! On the contrary, it is the insistence on strict monogamy that is the real threat to relationships. Such insistence breeds jealousy, possessiveness, distrust and ultimately, the destruction of the relationship.

    Strict insistence on monogamy -- which is firmly rooted in and is a reflection of our dominant monotheistic religious practices -- puts unrealistic and undue pressure on both partners.

    It is unrealistic to expect both partners to remain sexually exclusive to each other. Contrary to what you've been told by your parents, your church, the state and society at large, it is NOT in the nature of human beings (especially men) to be strictly monogamous.

    The vast majority of divorces and relationship breakups caused by so-called "infidelity" involves the male half of the partnership not limiting his erotic and/or emotional loyalty to one partner only. Millennia of pressure on males to be strictly monogamous have failed -- and they will continue to fail, because men are hard-wired by Nature to be polyamorous and NOTHING can stop it.

    It took me 30 years to come to that realization. Today, I am "out of the closet" as polyamorous (as well as bisexual). And although many people -- especially women -- have a problem with that, I refuse to lie about it anymore and would rather "fly solo" than accept a relationship that restricts me to only one partner.

    -- Skeeter
    James T likes this.
  3. xthevalkyriex

    xthevalkyriex Member

    I don't know if this counts as swinging, but my boyfriend and I occasionally hook up with another heterosexual couple that we're friends with. We're all on the same bed, just basically..well, having group sex. Everyone does stuff with everyone else, except for my boyfriend and the other male partner. It's a lot of fun-but it definitely requires a lot of communication and trust. Definitely not suitable for every couple out there.

    Just to clarify, it was originally my idea, not my boyfriend's. I don't buy the theory that all women are naturally suited for monogamy, and men for polygamy.
  4. SkeeterVT

    SkeeterVT Member

    If you and the other couple are friends and have been sexually intimate with each other occasionally for a sustained period of time (as opposed to a one-time-only episode), then it's not merely "swinging;" you're engaging, to a degree, in a sustained, non-monogamous relationship.

    And I never suggested that all women are suited for monogamy. But it is unrealistic to expect all men to be monogamous. A significant proportion of men aren't. That's a fact of life that's impossible to ignore; just look at all the divorces and relationship breakups on the grounds of the male partner's alleged infidelity. What more proof do you need?

    -- Skeeter
  5. headymoechick

    headymoechick I have no idea

    I totally agree. I hate to be one of the odd girls out, but I don't expect a man to be with me and only me until the day he dies. How can I expect that when I have natural urges and desires of my own? All I ask for is honesty. Communication. Maybe when I'm older I might want to settle down. Maybe not. I'll know when I get there. All I know is that I'm in a point in my life where it would not be harmful. There are negative things that could come out of it, yes, but you can avoid that. Avoid couples who are overly dramatic or arguementative. Use protection. Talk about everything openly. If everyone is honest, no feelings should be hurt.
  6. SkeeterVT

    SkeeterVT Member

    I heartily concur. Honesty is indeed the best policy in all relationships. it is better to be truthful about your feelings and what you're looking for in a relationship up front than in keeping your true self secret from your partner and finding out the truth much later. The secrecy and deception is what destroys the relationship.

    I'd rather that any potential girlfriend know "where I'm at" at the very beginning. Better that she know now than later, for there's no way I'm going to keep my polyamorous feelings -- and my bisexuality, as I already have a boyfriend -- secret. It may sound selfishly callous, but it's better than keeping it a secret and breaking hearts later (Not to mention putting all kinds of psychological torture upon yourself).

    If my frank honesty means that I go without a girlfriend for years on end, then so be it.

    -- Skeeter
  7. xthevalkyriex

    xthevalkyriex Member

    Honestly, I've met more women who have cheated on their male partners, than vice versa. Infidelity isn't limited to one gender...it's not more of a male trait. But I'm not looking to get into a debate here...I'm just saying it's a myth that men need more sex than women, and are more inclined to cheat.
    granite45 likes this.
  8. sm0key42o8

    sm0key42o8 Senior Member

    I dont think I could watch some other guy fuck my girl...
  9. FlyingBurritoBro

    FlyingBurritoBro Sing Me Back Home

    Then simply cut out the lights... Just kidding bro, I know where you're coming from. It'd have to be someone I trusted a lot to be able to turn her over to.
  10. peacefuljeffrey

    peacefuljeffrey Senior Member

    I'm glad to see that over 50% have said no, as I did.

    I think about this once in a while (not that it's an issue that has come up for me or something, though). I've thought on it, read about it...

    I prefer to be all about one woman, and her all about me. Simple as that.

    I feel that there is not enough to be gained by having other partners. What's the allure? More sex? A different vagina to taste and feel and fuck? I like women, I like pussy, too much to not get enough enjoyment out of my woman's pussy. I don't need some other woman's.

    And I don't need to fear that she'll stray from me, physically, or emotionally, or even just in her mind and fantasies, because we introduced some other guy (or the girl).

    And I don't need the additional worry about STDs I could be exposed to by having new partners that I don't have a watch over, or reason to trust that they have not gone out to pick up something to give me. My own partner, if I have trust in her, is someone I can be sure of. How would I know that the other woman doesn't have some disease to give me? How would I know that the other guy isn't fuckin' around behind his woman's back, being unsafe, giving her something to give me, or giving my woman something?

    If there is reason to go out and swing, I think it's because there's not enough sex, or sexual satisfaction, in the current relationship. Finding a swinging couple is not going to solve that. Either have more sex, and get your rocks off enough to satisfy you both, or figure out what needs to be figured out between you, with or without the help of a counselor.

    Yes, I realize that some people may swing for very personal erotic reasons that they have both worked out together and are on the same page about. Maybe each of them has a sort of fetish for sharing ("showing off") their partner to someone who gets to sample, but not have, their partner. I can see that. But even still, I don't see it as worth all the risks, emotional and biological.

    (Holy shit, I just realized, what if someone got pregnant by the swinger partner?!)

  11. peacefuljeffrey

    peacefuljeffrey Senior Member

    Why have we had such trouble getting along? We think a lot alike. :D

  12. peacefuljeffrey

    peacefuljeffrey Senior Member

    Skeeter, what's funny to me is that even as you rebuke us for condemning swinging, you condemn our monogamist point of view. Are you any more justified?

    I think what you said is what is the rubbish, here. You claim that just because jealousy and possessiveness can be harmful, the answer must be in turning outward to multiple sex partners. Like, if I won't eat steak, I must eat broccoli. Well, why? Why not pizza? Do you see what I'm saying? Possessiveness etc. may harm monogamous relationships, but that doesn't mean that polyamory is the solution to those troubles.

    Do you really mean to suggest that if a guy or girl is possessive and jealous, that having the partner involved in swinging will CURE that?! :eek: You've gotta be kidding!

    You remind me of the episode of The Simpsons where Homer coached Bart to play mini golf. He told him to keep his head down and his shoulders still; but when he missed the shot, Homer said to keep his head up and move his shoulders all around (or something like that). Obviously, his "solution" was nothing more than a hysterical, unreasoned reaction.

    There are solutions to the problems of jealousy and possessiveness that you mentioned that have nothing to do with opening up a marriage or relationship to sex with others.

    Your post comes off as extremely arrogant in favor of swinging, rather than just neutrally suggesting that it might be right for some. You go off on a hyperbole-filled rant against monogamy as a millennia-old institution as though monogamy were some sort of fuckup in our genetic code or something.

    You say that men are hard-wired to be polyamorous and nothing can stop it. I call bullshit. I don't contest that we enjoy seeing and experiencing the female form. I don't contest that we will scope women at the movie theater or the mall. But I do contest that we must stray. A dope addict can force himself to stay away from what he wants because he has made a reasoned decision that this is what works best for him, and being a junkie did not. Same with a man or a woman who sees other attractive people around, but keeps focus on their partner. It's a matter of mind and will triumphing over base instinct. Man alone is the one species that can do this. I guess you haven't evolved to that point?

  13. peacefuljeffrey

    peacefuljeffrey Senior Member

    I want to soften the nasty tone of how I came off in my other post. THIS one by you is a lot more reasonable, I feel. You talk about honesty.

    My first impression of someone who wants to swing or be "polyamorous" is that they are someone who for whatever reason hasn't quite gotten mature. I know that it's less simple than that, don't worry. But I think it's about someone who has "the gimmes." You know, hungry for more than they're due, more than a person is really entitled to. It just seems greedy. "Wahhh, I don't want to settle for just one." I just don't agree with it. I think that a fully mature person accepts that in order to have a stable, loving life with someone he/she has to make compromises.

    But I respect your being fully willing to make all this stuff known to someone before you get involved. That, at least, is mature and honest. Being willing to go years without a woman because you can't find one who will go along, that's also mature.

    Anyway... 'night.

  14. SkeeterVT

    SkeeterVT Member


    Remember what I said in my first posting on this subject: "It took me 30 years to come to this realization [monogamy being incompatible with my personal nature]."

    I have never been monogamous at any time in my adult life. And being bisexual and in a 20-year-old open relationship with a male partner, monogamy makes even less sense to me. I would be feeding the gay side of my emotional/sexual self while starving my hetero side.

    That's simply unacceptable to me. It's been 12 years since I came out of the closet as bisexual on my 40th birthday. It was my second coming-out: I was exclusively gay for 20 years before that. And as I grow older -- I'm over 50 now -- my desire for emotional intimacy with a woman is increasing exponentially.

    Let me make myself clear: I love my boyfriend dearly and after 20 years together, it's definitely "till death do us part." But there are certain levels of intimacy that I can't share with him, simply because he's a man. And I don't want to pass away 20 or 30 years from now without ever knowing the joy of loving and being loved by a woman as well.

    "Polyamory" is really not an accurate term to describe me, since the prefix "poly" means "many" in Latin. More accurately, I am "biamorous" -- "bi" meaning "two." I'd be content to have one partner of each gender (I'm not interested in having a second boyfriend, thank you). But I refuse to deny the truth of who I am in terms of my love life -- and I won't bow to the demands of a future female companion that I sacrifice my existing relationship.

    Now do you understand where I'm coming from?

    -- Skeeter
    James T likes this.
  15. sparky69

    sparky69 Guest

    i want to try, wife is not really up for it, i don't want to do anything to damage our relationship. I would like to go slow, start with same room sex, and of slow from there
  16. Irminsul

    Irminsul Valkyrie

    My wife asked me to re-subscribe to our site after a couple of years being non paying members. It was very exciting to hear her ask for this. Paid up for a year, already have a FF couple talking to us. :tongueclosed:
    Deejay88 likes this.
  17. CeceliaZero

    CeceliaZero Member

    My husband and I already do a bit of swinging. We've got a happy and healthy relationship. It's not for everyone, but I say to each their own. I'm not sure why people feel the need to be judgmental. If monogamy is your thing, that's great! Enjoy it. Personally, it kicks my libido into high gear to know my husband had sex with another woman. Nobody gets to tell anyone else what they should or shouldn't want.
    Irminsul and Deejay88 like this.
  18. Panama Jack

    Panama Jack Member

    To be judgemental of others sexual appetite is to be closed minded to undiscovered personal happiness.
    granite45, James T and Irminsul like this.
  19. Z-Man1983

    Z-Man1983 Member

    Here’s my thing. Something is missing in the bedroom or it wouldn’t be brought up. No different then asking for a 3some. Here’s my advice use your cell phones and have the female text a married friend of hers. They talk and wife starts to go in a sexual direction. Men don’t text. The other female will assume your cheating. Females are easier to talk to other females. Most people are willing to
    Explore so long as they know the ground rules.
  20. nldn

    nldn Senior Member

    It does not appeal to me.

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