My wife seems to question my motives for wanting to have sex. If she doesn't feel (based on God knows what) they are pure she's unwilling to do it. I can't think of any instance where I would think like that. She told me she gets the feeling I want to rush through dinner, watching a movie, whatever else we're doing to get to the sex which I can't deny. Of course - sex is my favourite thing in the world. Spending time with me is probably the most comparable thing on her side. She wants to do it every day - looks forward to it, can't wait to be done with work and chores and whatever else so she can be with me. That doesn't make me mad or not want to spend time with her - that's lovely. She does hate being on her own for too long and if I'm working and she's not she'll interrupt me constantly because she misses me. I could fixate on that and say something like "you don't reallly want to spend time with me, you just hate being on your own" and once that's in my head fairly or unfairly it could sour every moment we're together. To me it's simple: spending time together - whether sex is involved or not - is good for both of us for innumerable reasons some that are of more benefit to one partner than the other but there's no analysis or skepticism of motives required.
"To me it's simple: spending time together - whether sex is involved or not - is good for both of us for innumerable reasons some that are of more benefit to one partner than the other but there's no analysis or skepticism of motives required" That's difficult then ...it sounds as if, apart from the sex side, you are happy with that level of closeness. Many would find that a bit cloying maybe. You don't say how long you are married....is your wife a little insecure for some reason? From your posts it sounds as if your sex life changed from before..... communication is the thing.... I've also been there, my wife also changed. . at least for me being bisexual I sort of had an alternative rather than cheated with other women. good luck, Simon
When we went through a sticky patch some years ago , I read a book for guidance and it gave me some tips . The title I will insert later as I cant quite remember it .It was over 10 years ago In that book is a useful chapter on Romance and placing your partner first instead of thinking about sex all of the time . Some women liked to be one over even whilst in a relationship . So we kick started our relationship by going out to places we used to go in our dating days and we made an effort dressing up for each other and went out many times for dinner . The rationale here is to get that communication going again , doing things together and rekindle the time when you fancied the pants off each other . The sex will come as sure as night follows day . I think its worth a try as it worked for us. Just found the book and is below . Its really excellent . Good Luck
Is there some unwritten law that you can't have sex before the dinner and movie ? Of course you want to have sex all the time, we are men, that is how we are wired - we sit around all day thinking about it. I don't understand why is what you need always depending on her decision that your motives are of good intention? It's fun. It's loving. It's healthy. It feels good. Costs nothing. Doesn't take a lot of time or effort. Practicing is fun. It keeps you close. It keeps you together. It keeps you from fucking around, too... Why is having sex a few times a week such a problem? Just do it because the end result is everyone is happy. I'm not saying a little romance isn't helpful, but you shouldn't have to beg for sex, or earn it either. Flip it around - "honey, THIS is how I like to be romanced...."
With the greatest of respect I think that's were you are going wrong . You are putting your needs first and not thinking of what she may want . I have touched on it and Simon has touched on it ie Communication . You both need to talk to each other and decide what you want and work together .Hopefully having a chat will bring you closer together as at the moment you appear to be poles apart .
That is exactly my dilemma. I do a hundred things every day that I don't necessarily feel like doing. I feel as if I earn sex almost every day with all I do. Sex is wonderful and my favourite way to connect with my wife as well as lowering stress and all the other ancillary benefits that come with it. Even if my motive was just to cum that should be enough and she should do it anyway.
And that is where we fool and frustrate ourselves all the time - we do things thinking we'll 'earn' sex and get pissed off when she doesn't come across. Meanwhile, her brain is in a completely different hemisphere and sex is like #47 on her list of things to even think of. They just don't think about sex the way we do, nor do they understand our urgency to have it often. Yeah, you can have that discussion, "honey I need more sex, and it's hurtful when you turn me down time after time..." and it will sink in for a week or two and then she's back off to picking out new paint colors for you to work on. What I usually say here is - she will be the first one to go and bitch to her girlfriends......"oh why oh why would he ever cheat on me....." when the answer is so easy. Sex two or three times a week will keep your man's head straight. Or you can just decide that your sexual needs are your responsibility, take care of that as necessary to keep you off the ledge, spend time being intimate in other ways that are pleasing, and if sex just happens to occur, that's icing on the cake.
You're so on the money. "Communicate" is the biggest load of crap. I've told her hundreds of times what I need. She even said a couple of nights ago I know you need that but I'm busy and stressed and tired, give me a week and things will settle down at work. I've heard this too many times to count. I wait patiently for a week - which often turns into two, three, six maybe more then finally we do it once or twice and she thinks that's me satisfied for another month and the cycle resumes. The other common advice is take care of her, help with the chores and the baby, rub her feet with no expectation of sex and it will come. Nope. A thousand times nope. I do way more than my fair share of all that. She gets time to herself every day - takes a bath while I cook dinner. Then she signs up for volunteer work, overtime, community theatre, you name it. She has time and energy for that then comes home empty for me to patch her up and send her out again. I feel more like her nurse, cook, butler nanny and maid than husband. If I didn't spend time with her it wouldn't fly for more than a day or two. She'd be a mess and make my life hell maybe demand that I go to counselling to see what's the issue. Why would I not want to spend time with her and not care that her needs aren't being met. What's the point of being married if I don't take care of her basic needs. I feel exactly the same but somehow she makes me feel like I need to be endlessly patient and understanding to the point of losing my mind.
I never understood how one can not want sex in a relationship. It's definitely a wiring issue. You're in a catch-22. If you lay it out how you feel, she'll get pissed off and you get nothing since you obviously are a sex maniac, if you do nothing, you still get nothing. Well, these are crazy, stressful times, maybe it will blow over soon. In the meantime, be sure to make regular appointments with your hand to keep yourself sane.
