survivors of suicide

it was a sunday night, i had been planning for about 1 week, i had finished my goodbye note and had what i needed, i walked down to the bolwing alley with the bottles in my pocket, i wanted to spend my last night with my friends, not that hellhole i called home, my friends knew i was down but they knew i was goin through shit with the fam so they didnt think i was acting too out of the ordinary... i took a full bottle of alieve and 58 tablets of amitirptiline(sp?), at first i was like yes im finally doing this, i wont ever have to wake up to another day of this shit, but by the last handful they were catching in my throat and it had become work, i got quiet and withdrawn, i knew this was it, my friends seemed to notice the change in my affect and kept askin if i was ok... a while later they were getting ready to leave and iwent to my friend tammy and told her i needed to go home with her, i was going to bee dead soon and i couldnt spend my last night at home. i could already feel the pills taking their effect and it was hitting me like a truck... i kind of fade in and out from there for a little while but i remember the police comming and giving tammy the empty bottles and getting loaded into the ambulence and then i was out... i was brought to my local hospital who transfered me via rolling icu to ccmc where they have a pediatric icu... i woke up when they pulled my tube ( i have been put into a medically induced coma) and fade in and out from there for a while... i was in and out of psych facilities for a while after that due to suicidality and cutting but ive made a big turnaround... you can only live that way for so long before something has to give

 

i've tried a good dozen times. once i took over 200 dog barbituates. i still have the scars (i'm hoping to get them fixed one of these days). i should be dead. nice to see that i'm not the only one here who's been like that. my attempts were all due to psychosis. i'm still psychotic and might end up in a mental hospital again. hell if i know. those places suck. life's a bitch.

anymore, i'm ridiculously depressed. i'm watching all my friends go to grad school and i'm sitting here, an ingenious nothing that might not be able to amount to shit because of schizophrenia, marijuana induced psychosis, or bipolar disorder...or whatever the hell they wanna stamp me with next when the last time i dropped out of college (due to mental problems), i was planning on becoming a doctor. somebody shoot my overambitious underachieving schizophrenic ass. hand me that joint first though. maybe some opium and some shrooms. then shoot me. yeah, definitely need that shit first, you fucking loser.

 

ive taken over 4000 mg seroquel with 3500 mg klonazopam. and woke up 2 weeks later in the hospital

 

havent tried it yet myself but came close.was gonna do the wrist thing.i do know the correct way of doing it.but decided on the throat.figured it would be quicker if i just got the main artery going to the brain.still wish i did it though.life still hasnt gotten any better.my ex contacted me the other night for some reason and asked some wierd questions.i told her im close to ending it.i cant live the way i am much longer.and i have an even easier way out.some rope,a couple pills and a tree.i pass out and fall off branch and its all over and i dont know a damn thing.

my uncle killed himself.got drunk and ran a hose from the exhaust on his car into his window.he passed out and never woke up.to this day any car that has the same interior color or paint color reminds me of the smell and i want to instantly puke.

 

When i got an abortion I didnt want, I went through about 5 months of depression and about 4 attempts to kill myself. I kept telling myself that i was a murderer and i shouldnt deserve to live. Not only me but people around me were telling me the same, it brought me to an EXTREME low. I refused to take medicine because I wanted to end this pain alone and sober.

Love is what played a major part in stopping me from actually killing myself. I believed that angels were there telling me it just isnt time right now..and i went on to suffer through the suffering. The day I had a gun to my head, (this was about 4 months after) was the day the depression ended. my phone ran when i was staring at myself, I felt dead inside, just didnt care anymore. I looked at my phone and realized it was my neighbor calling and he left a voice message. Something inside was telling me to check it and I did. The message said that his wife got pregnant finally and it was a baby girl on the way....I suddently got so scared of that gun and i put it down and I cried happily to myself.

That door closed in my life, and I opened another. I slipped into little depressed moments at times but none were like the one about a year ago now. Moments like those mean that I still think about the baby I wanted and I know its still there, waiting. I believe that that wasnt the right time for it, i understand now. I see their little girl today and I smile

I'll know to have my chance

 

I am a survivor as well...
I hear people talk about suicide, people that do not understand... It is the weirdest feeling in the world... to even think suicide... in my experience, my brain seems to go to a different place, a place that I am all alone, even if I have people surrounding me... when I am in that different place, I see nothing, I hear no one... I don't see the good that I have in my life... everything in my "place" seems utterly hopeless, I have no focus... I cry for help wanting someone to reach out...
That is how my mind is or rather was when I attempted to end my life... and the thing is every day is a struggle... people that suffer realize this... I still have days of over whelming sadness for no apparent reason... on those days I have learned that I have to reach out... so do I think about suicide, sure, but am I coping, yes.... life is good and I know that... somedays you have to find the good in everyday... somedays it is hard to find but it is there... hold on to those "goods"

 

It's hard to point finger on who's to blame of somebody else's death or attempt end his or her own life. It can be as serious as parents' failure to make their home a sanctuary and source of love of a child. It can also root from depression or psychological disorder. A person can also feel too overwhelmed by problems, or a feeling of no value at all.

I, too, have suicidal tendencies; and several times have I already tried to end my own life. But everytime I survive, some sense of feeling I have other things to accomplish yet gathers up inside me. And I see all these people worried and praying I don't do it again.

My friends regularly take me out, sometimes in the wild, to somehow make me see more important things in life that are yet to be enjoyed in the coming years. And my family do everything to keep me company every time. I'm doing better now...

Although, I'm still feeling helpless and life directs me to nowhere, the guilt of realizing I've hurt my loved ones several times keeps my sanity. I can't be selfish all the time.



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Well, I purposely overdosed on sleeping pills/vodka when I was 19 years old. Was in the hospital for days and slept for many days after that. I awoke nearly a week after the original suicide attempt with absolutely no memory whatsoever of what had happened when I attempted the suicide, what had happened while in the hospital or how I got home.
Needless to say, I am now more than thankful for life and try my best to never take it for granted... and I hopefully will not ever again.
It takes the bad times to get through to the good times...

 

before and after my diagnosis of schizophrenia, i tried to kill myself and i still consider it and cannot promise anyone that i won't try again.

i've had one serious attempt where i took as many opioids as i could; i'd been slowly collecting an arsenal of all kinds over a period of two months - stealing them from neighbour's houses, relatives houses: anyone on strong prescription opiates. i wanted to go painless. i wanted my last fucking minute to be the only painless minute of my life so far. i'd had my 16 years, i'd seen enough. i was not for this world anymore. i wrote my note, i was sorry i was such a failure ; sorry you wasted your time having and raising an ungrateful miserable son like me - maybe all this depression; all this chemical imbalance is a form of retardation. maybe i'm useless. i certainly feel like it... and so forth. all the usual piss.
so i took all these pills, washed down with tears and scotch,
and lay on my bed at 9am when everyone was out the house.
hopefully, my mind said, i'd be dead by the time they returned.

so anyway, the thwarting: my neighbour came round to see me to tell me she'd returned from night shift and could i turn the music down(?), but i never heard her knock the door/i was passed out.
anyway, she had a spare key so she went and let herself in and found all the discarded empty pill blister packs, and the leftover meagre dregs of scotch and , well, i woke up in hospital two days later.


i also tried hanging myself once. but i chickened out at the last minute and i had a knife in my pocket just in case so i cut the tie i'd used. i guess puttin the knife in my pocket was my subconscious saying you're not actually gonna do this huh?

who knows.

i'm psychotic. i get bogged down with the criticism of "auditory hallucinations"
i cant live my life this way for much longer.

 

You need to forgive yourself for having a mental illness. Having schizophrenia is NOT YOUR FAULT! It isn't fair to compare your life achievements with those of other people who are unencumbered with mental illness.

And NO ONE is worthless! You may not accomplish a lot of great things all the time, but you have not yet developed the self esteem to even begin to know what your potential is, and as long as you try to help people whenever you can, on any given day you may be in a position to save someone's life or help someone in a very big way!

I have a history of pretty serious suicide attempts too, including getting myself shot by a cop...but I'm SO glad I survived! If I had not survived I wouldn't have been there to save a little boy from a vicious dog and I wouldn't have been there for my friends and family who have needed me the last several years. And I wouldn't be here to talk to you to let you know you being heard and that you aren't worthless.

I don't support myself, I survive on SSI, so I don't have a lot to be proud of, but I do know that if I had been successful at killing myself a lot of stuff would be really f ed up right now because I wouldn't have been there to give help when it was needed.

Hang in there, quit beating yourself up for things outside your control and please, please, give yourself a chance!

 

I guess i'm not really a survivor of suicide. but in three months i had four people i knew die, and 3 i grew up with. My grandmother, two neighbours and a friend who i went to school with. My two neighbours and the kid at my school all commited suicide. between then, my grandmother died of cancer. After that i lost about 15 pounds, didn't talk to anyone, and almost got sent to a therapist because i just wanted to know why. I never understood. Whenever i was angry i took it out on myself in different ways. that's how i have 11 piecings. i have numerous scars on my legs, but nothing to try and kill myself.

It wasn't untill that christmas when we had everyone around the table for christmas dinner, did i realize that i did have something to look forward to everyday. i had a family. my best friends. my dog(i know, lame but he's my dog and i love him to bits!).and best of all.. a life. a soul. a smile. I became more spiritual. Thinking two positives for every negative thought, and it really helped.



So I guess you could say i'm a survivor of suicide.

 

August '05 my Bestfriend killed himself and I've never been the same since...I miss him so much there are times I wish I could join him wherever he is.

 

I tried by OD'ing on most of my prescriptions. Nobody knew til it was too late to pump my stomach and I'm not sure how I survived. My gp doc and my therapist both were shocked at the number and variety of pills I took. Both agreed that there should have been enough to kill an elephant (I'm big, but not THAT big, lol). Anway, I took them late one Friday night. I only recall flashes of the weekend (like falling a lot skinning my knees and not knowing it, etc.) and Monday I confessed to my wife what I had done. She took me into the mental health clinic where I was a client and they got me into a psych unit at a hospital. I've gotten severely depressed since then and have had suicidal thoughts, but I got to a point where I know myself and when I need help and how to get it, so I've never again acted on those impulses. A friend of mine, who also has depression, has a philosophy regarding suicidal thoughts. Just procrastinate a day. What's gonna happen if you wait til tomorrow before you act on any suicidal thoughts. If you want to then, go ahead. But it will give you a little time to really decide if you want to do something that permanent.

 

About twelve years ago, I took a bottle of wellbutrin (Shame on the therapists for even prescribing a 12 year old wellbutrin). I passed out at the hospital and was apparently air-vaced to another. My heart stopped on the way there and I was dead for awhile. It didn't change anything. I went through most of high school trying to die.

When I left though, I got into Lord of the Rings (Fellowship came out my senior year) and it in turn led me to Buddhism. I wasn't an avid follower of the religion, but I took a lot of the ideas about training my mind, meditation, focusing on myself, doing unto others how you'd like done to you.

It changed things around for me. When I start thinking negatively, I know how to flip my mindset and find the positive in the situation. I've learned to regret nothing, because I've learned something from everything or have gotten something else through what I was going through.

I still deal with cutting on occasion, but suicide's never an option because no one has that control over my life and no situation isn't one I can't pull myself out of because I'm in control of my own destiny. I choose not to play the victim in life and move forward. And asking myself, "What good does it do me to be dragged down by this? What purpose does it serve to feel this way?" helps too.

But, it took a long time for me to get to that point. You have to have the want to change your thought process and find things to live for. It's a process that's hard, but worth it in the end.

 

I'm a suicide survivor... How'd I survive? Bad timing... Everytime I tried I was caught and taken to a hospital. Now I'm a lot better I go to a shrink and a councillor, I'm learning to deal with my problems and I'm on medications. Everything got a lot easier as time went on. So anyone going through this it gets easier you just need help. Good luck. Peace

 

When I was 13, I was feeling....well I don't even know how I was feeling. I cut myself a lot, I was real depressed. Don't know over what, tell you the truth. Still can't figure it out, but it might have to do with some things that my conscious mind has forgotten.

Anyway, so I took 80 pills, and twenty minutes later regretted it. Woke up my mom, went to the hospital. ICU for three days. I'll never forget how, in the bed next to me, was this little baby, little fragile baby, and she was fighting for her life; her heart monitor kept beeping an irregularity, but she was fighting. And I said to myself, how fucking DARE I try to kill myself? How DARE I? lala. From that moment I knew I'd be OK. Still took time

3 days in the ICU, a week in the adolescent psych ward. Didn't heal shit over there. Therapist didn't work either. I kind of just "got over it" by myself. It's strange, almost like I grew out of it or something. Granted, the first year I was still a bit messed up in the head. Didn't cut though. Nothing like that.

Now I'm a perfectly healthy and happy person. I realize now how much would have gone to waste if I had succeeded in killing myself. I know in society we are taught to under value ourselves, but you know what?

I am worth a lot. I am a valuable person, with bright ideas, and an awesome future ahead of me. I am worth life, and all of its wonders. And for anyone who is reading this thread now, and you are teetering over the edge, and you are looking for some solace, know this:

You are worth life, too. You are worth everything this life has to offer. And it doesn't matter how you are now, or what you have done, or what others have done to you, because so much changes over the years, that when you look at yourself in the mirror 5 years from now you will be so happy with what you see.

My pm box is open for anyone who needs to talk. doesn't matter that I don't know you; some emotions run universally through us all

 

I have attempted suicide twice and tried to seriously harm myself many times from memory, although it may be more as my memories are disjointed at this point. This was years ago

Thank God I am here today and hopefully I'll be able to be strong for others who need help to get through these times. A disorder I have means I still get these thoughts, although I now have zero desire to act out on them
I'm sorry for the losses of all those who've posted about those who didn't make it

 

i don't talk much about my attempt either. but here goes:
i was 20 years old and was not medicated correctly (its very hard to accurately medicate a young person until they're into their 20's) i wrote a note that basically said that if i died, it would be fate and i'd be with my grandfather, and if i was to live, i would do everything i could do to try and help myself. i proceeded to take a kitchen knife and stab myself in my stomach. my mom found me, and i went into the hospital where i had emergency surgery for internal bleeding. they had me on suicide watch which basically meant i had someone to hang out with me 24/7 in the hospital.
The doctor did a fantastic job and the large scar on my stomach is hard to notice, although the entry wound looks a little funky.
anyways, i obviously survived, and have done my part to try to 'heal'. i'm finally on a great combo of medication, and lead a fairly content life. i've had my share of ups and downs, but haven't we all?
<3

 

When I was eleven I became severely depressed after I found myself at the receiving end of an act of violence by a fellow classmate at the school I was going to.
Not even my friends at that time were able to fully comprehend the pain I was going through as I sunk further and further into serious depression. I attempted suicide once that year, and I came very close to attempting to end my life many other times. That year I was forced to visit a therapist (several), and I began taking medication for depression. Depression and suicide runs in my family, so I may be able to attribute this part of my life to something I inherited.
The depression eased up a bit when I became a teenager, but I still went through dark phases until I got out and brought new people and meaning into my life. I was able to heal the sadness and loneliness I had inside of me those horrible years. Since then, I have stopped taking the medication, and I haven't had any depression for roughly three years. My life has become more fulfilling than I could have ever imagined it could become.
For those who are suffering, have hope, seek help, and keep going. No words can describe the beauty of overcoming.

 

I guess I'm somewhat of a survivor.

This summer one of my best friends unexpectedly killed himself. I was with him one day, and all was happy. Then the next day I got a call saying he was dead.
It tore me apart pretty bad. One of the guys I felt really close to, and someone who I felt really understood me gone. I guess there wasn't as much understanding as I thought.
Right after I got that news, I fell into a depression myself.

Since then it's been tough. Since he lived in Sweden, where I go during the summers, it's felt as if I've been "out of the loop". All the friend circles over there kind of left me out of it.
It goes better every day, but it's still hard.

Anyways, I just wanted to get that out.
Feels a little better