survivors of suicide

I have a question.... if a friend says "I'm just distancing myself from everyone. Some day you'll see why" should that raise a red flag or am I just overreacting? I know she was still drunk from last night when she said it, which means she was really drunk last night, she's out of control again, drinking and driving, which she knows I am so strongly against. Her theory was "it was 3am, no one was on the road, I figured if anything I might just hit a tree" Does anyone have any idea of what I should do?

 

Take your friend seriously and take some sort of action. Read my post below:

 

Well it's been a few years now. My good friend's roommate had apparently decided to kill himself years earlier. Might have been one of those when I turn 30 things...not sure. Anyhow, my friend comes to me and says that his roommate Link had been talking about suicide. He mentioned how Link had talked about suicide for years, but lately had really seemed to be on a suicide mission. So my friend asks me what I think he oughtta do about it? Should he contact Link's parents? Well my answer was no. I'm not sure why I said what I said. I guess I didn't know if he was serious and didn't wanna cause a sht storm w/ his parents.
Well that was the wrong answer I can assure you. Early one morning after everyone had crashed for the night, Link took action. He shaved his head and grabbed a rope he had purchased a week or two before. This was at about 6am. The sun must have just come up. So Link and his newly shaved head threw his noose over his shoulder and walked to the nearby lake. There is only 1 way to get there. Straight down the main road. I'm talking MAIN road, as in no sidewalks. He was probably the only person walking on the road that day, certainly the only with a noose over his shoulder and sporting a newly shaved head. I can't help but wonder how many people saw him walking down the road w/ that rope and I wonder if any of them suspected...
So Link got to the lake and climbed to the top of a tall Evergreen. When the joggers made there way around that bend in the path, they stopped dead In their tracks I'm sure. I suppose the sight of Link hanging there haunts them like the whole damn thing haunts me.
I should have done something. I should have told my boy to do something. We should have called his parents. We should have talked to him about it. We should've....
but we didn't.
RIP Link.

 

I just don't know what TO DO... If I said anything about it now she'd say she is fine and was just drunk when she said it.

 

I've tried a few times....a few times. nothing recent, though. i often think about suicide, but i have a fear of being forgotten after i die and that is probably my biggest help. i'd like to just not get depressed but i don't want to be medicated for it, i want my mood to be something that i control. though i've read that's just not possible.... so i suppose i'll just keep fighting it.

i've been lucky so far. i've lost no one to suicide. all of my everything goes out to everyone who has.

 

ok, so first off i'm new here and i just wanted to say hello. I do not lead anything close to the life that I would like to, i'm surviving, but i want to do a hell of alot better... so first off, a bit about me. If you read this, thanks for putting up with my ramblings


My mother raised me until I was 5, she tried her hardest, despite my father running out on her as soon as she got pregnant, leaving me to never meet him. she's always been unstable and had a history of hard chemical substance abuse, mainly crack and heroin. But when she got pregnant with me she quit everything, even smoking.. She tried, and I loved her for it. But she couldn't cope, so she gave me to my grandmother, I lived with my grandma until I was about 18, she is an awsome, loving, accepting woman. I did alot of stupid things in my youth, but she would always forgive me, and keep on loving me. The whole time i would see my mother on family get togethers, and visit her quite frequently growing up. I knew she always struggled, but I still loved her for being my mother. Despite realizing as i grew older that when i was about 16 and on, she was still struggling with her crack habit, and having difficulty holding down a job. at 16 my mother was homeless, and stayed with me and my grandma until she could get back on her feet... this is when I realized for the first time in my life that my mother had a serious crack addiction. 1 week turned into 2 months, and things like my bass amp and my grandmothers jewerly wen't missing. I explained to my grandma who out of love was very naive to all of this, and we both decided that she couldn't stay here anymore. My grandma didn't have the heart to kick her out onto the streets, so at 16, a young man, I had to kick my mother out of the house, and it wasn't even my house. We didn't talk for a few years after that... it was tough.

So now the story of my life. I grew up in vancouver, fast forward through the fun /shitty / confusing highschool years. I graduate and move to edmonton. I was partying alot, but gave up my drug use consisting mainly of pot, occasional ecstacy, and occasional coke. All i did was smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol at the pubs.

Now onto the rough stuff... It was about 4 months after leaving vancouver, the homesickness kicked in, i missed my grandma, and felt very badly about her being all alone... However I got to visit my mom since she lived in edmonton at the time. It had been about 2 years since i last saw her on that fateful day i kicked her out onto the streets. but there was no hard feelings, she's my mom after all =) I went to her work and shot the shit with her, it was nice to see my mom again =) Then remembrance day came around, i went to the ceremony and everything in my life seemed to be coming together, I was working out, looking into correspondance courses to upgrade my highschool marks for university, I had a job, and I was even dating this cute little brunette who I met at a bar here in edmonton. Things were going great.

It was the day after remembrance day that shit hit the fan, sending my life into a downward spiral. I was on the phone chatting to the girl i was dating at the time, just the simple flirty telephone conversation we have all had many times before... When I got a call on the other line, i told her to wait a second... When I switched over it was my grandma, and instantly i could tell something was seriously wrong.
she said "jesse, I've got some bad news"
"What is it grandma?"
*grandma starts to cry a bit*
"whats wrong?"
"Its your mom Jesse.... She just committed suicide"

My jaw hit the floor, i was speechless, I asked my grandma if she was sure, she said yes. I asked her if it happened today, she told me it was about an hour ago, my mothers boyfriend called my grandma to let her know. In my head I was thinking in complete denial, maybe it was a mistake, maybe she pulled through, maybe alot of things... I told my grandma everything would be alright, I switched over to the other line with the girl waiting... And holding back my tears and feeling all choked up, but trying not to show any weakness, i told her I had to go, because my mother just committed suicide.

I didn't know what to do, the whole world felt like it was spinning, I screamed out FUCK!!!!! as loud as i could, and punched the bed, and just sat staring at the wall for a bit. I couldn't believe this was happening to me, I didn't know what to think. I went upstairs to talk to my aunt, and to ask her when my uncle would be home from dropping off my cousin at soccer practise... she said in about 15 minutes, and asked me what was wrong knowing that I looked shaken up... I didn't know what to say. I told her, my mother committed suicide, and she instantly started to cry and went to hold me and asked me if i was ok, I didn't reply because i knew if i did i would start to cry too.

My uncle came home about 30 minutes later, and we told him the news, that his sister, my mother, died tonight. He stood with a blank expression on his face, I told him "lets go outside for a smoke". On the balcony, we chatted a bit trying to make sense of it all. He told me that it was a stupid thing for her to do, and that it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. he went back inside and i stood out on the balcony for a few minutes looking up at the stars and pondering about the many complexities of life, and trying to find answers as to why things like this can totally blindside you leaving you a weak shattered mess in times when you feel complletely content and strong in life.

That night I gathered up courage and strength I didn't even know I had. I went with my uncle and aunt to meet my mothers boyfriend for the first time. He had rode with my mother to the hospital when it happened. When I walked up to him outside of a downtown tim hortons, I saw a broken man, cigarette in hand, trembling. He held out his shaking hand to greet me, and without thinking i skipped past the hand and just gave him a hug, and he began to cry. He told me he loved my mother very much, and that had he known she would do this he wouldn't have gone to work that day. He told me I should kick his ass for not being able to save her. I felt the tears well up in my eyes again, but fought them back. we went inside for coffee...

He told me about all the funeral home arrangements, and about the hospital and the doctors, and how she did it... She O.D.'d on a very potent anti depressant that is extremely lethal in high doses... Why doctors prescribe potentially lethal anti depressants to severely depressed people with suicidal tendencies is beyond me, but such is the way of life...
I was feeling strong up until the point where my mothers boyfriend, said to me...
"Jesse, your mother loved you very much, she was so very proud of you. All she ever did was talk about how you graduated highschool, and how you were going into the army. She was so very proud of you"
It was then that i could not hold back the tears any longer, i did not weap or sob, but tears streamed down my face, and i hung my head in my hands.

Later that night we went to talk to the doctor who tried to save my mother. He told us that she was slipping in and out of consciousness, and that in the ambulance her heart stopped, and that the paramedics gave her CPR which in turned broke several of her ribs, and punctured one of her lungs, which made no real difference because she was already dead. they tried to revive her at the hospital for half an hour before pronouncing her officially dead.

I went home after that, and went to bed, hoping in the back of my mind that when I woke up, it would all be a bad nightmare that i could put behind me. Even though I knew this wasn't the case.

For the next few weeks, life was very difficult. There were funeral arrangements, family to be flown in, friends to be flown in, grieving to take place within the family, much alcohol to be drank. All in all it was a very solemn, depressing situation.

My mother had a really really tough life growing up, and she was never able to make things right despite trying numerous times. I don't know what to think honestly about suicide, whether its selfish, or whether it really is the only way out for some people. Life is hard, and you can pass judgement on others, but you never REALLY know what they are going through, and what ultimately leads up to personal decisions like comitting suicide. All I do know, is that I hope she has found more peace now in death than she had in life.

before the funeral, I had to go identify my mothers body before she was to be cremated... I had to pay for my mothers funeral, which is hard when your fresh out of highschool and broke. You can get people cremated in 9,000$ coffins, but all I could afford was a plywood box. The funeral home director guided me to the hallway with rooms containing body's of people who had recently departed with life. He opened the door for me to where my mothers body rest. Since she was going to be cremated, her body was already in the plywood box with the head piece removed so i could see her face... I stood there alone in the room with my mother, staring at her face. It looked so odd, like she was sleeping, and that all I had to do was shake her and say " mom, its me, Jesse, your son! wake up!! " ... but i knew this wasn't true... I didn't know what to say... She loved unicorns, so I brought a picture of one to be cremated with her, and a letter to her that i hope she was able to read in whatever afterlife, if any is out there. I placed these on her chest. And stood there staring at her knowing this would be the last time i would see her, dead or alive, before she was cremated. I told her that I loved her, and that i missed her very much... And that I hope she's at peace now. I stood there looking one last time, then I kissed my fingers, and touched them to her forhead and whispered goodbye, leaving the room.



fairness in life is a farce, severe tragedy can strike at any moments notice, leaving the survivors standing bewildered, shocked, and in shambles. Life doesn't always turn out the way you want it to I guess. I miss my mom, and even now, a year and a half after she died I still regret choosing not to have her as a bigger part in my life. You really don't know what you have and what you care about until its taken away from you. But life goes on, life always goes on. I make the best out of it, its tough not even knowing the first name of your father, and knowing that you can't just call up your mom to say hi anymore. Sometimes its difficult hearing friends talk about there parents, even just little things like them going out for dinner with their mom. I feel like I've been robbed of something in my youth, if I have kids they'll never get to meet their grandmother. But what can you do? thats just life, and its my life... and I try to make the best out of it. So here I am, 20 years old, about to buy a house with a friend and starting up a housing development company. We both worked very hard and saved up about 33 thousand dollars between the two of us. So hopefully that works out =) I know that there is still alot of great adventures for me to experience in life, loving women that I will meet, journeys that are to come that I will never forget, but regardless of what great things I end up doing in my life... I will still, always miss my mom.



ok well yeah, thats my story.... if you read the whole thing, thanks for letting me share.

 

Sending love and blessings to all that suffer....

My father was suicidal for years...still is....I am the only one he can admit it to...not even my mother knew...

I carried that burden and felt suicidal at times too...

And now I am not....because I have healed that part of myself...with great patience and help from others...

Wishing you all healing and love....<3

 

If you want to kill yourself, why not? Survival of the fittest. I never saw a deer attempt to jump off a cliff, have you?

 

I actually agree in pro choice...

But the problem lies in those we leave behind...I couldnt do that to my son, as my father couldnt do that to me...

Its too much for a little girl or boy to absorb

At times we have to live....and ultimately in that choice lies healing...

 

If someone is destined to murder him/her/self, then it will happen. Nothing you can do about it. I don't think you should stand there and watch! I'm only saying, if someone wants to do it, it will happen. The person requires intervention, and [everytime] when someone is guided through suicidal thoughts, they tend to look back wondering why they ever wanted to do that. It usually has to do with a problem [or problems] that they don't have the capacity to handle, others just want attention by "attempting." Just my take.

 

My mother used to say "if only they would wait until the next day".....aaahhh bless her (she died in August.... She claimed that often our problems look and feel differently in the morning light....


She was a very wise Capricorn woman....

 

I am an ACOA whose father was an Alcholic with Malignant Narcissism, whose mother was a depressive, emotionally dependant, enabler & whose older brother was prone to violent outburts & actions. By the time I was in highschool I was suffering with depression, severe panic attacks which would cause my body to violently shiver (like when cold or scared) and temp. paralisis(couldn't move/walk), had begun cutting myself, had thoughts about hurting myself, and inched closer and closer twards sucide. Survival was draining the life out of me. Years and years of fear, anger, hatred, resentment exc just boiled over all at once and came out with a vengence. I suffered extreme untreated "depression" that would come and go...sevral months with it....few months feeling NOT OK but not on the verge of death either. I ended up self medicating(drugs/alcohol) after my brother had an episode brought on by alcohol poision & attempted to stab my parents, then nearly killed himself by stabbing himself in the abdoman, & then went on to try jumping from a 2 story window. He ended up in the psyc ward....guess who ended up having to "betray the family" and call the police...yup 15 year old little girl me.

When I started my path twards recovery & understood WHY I had all these feelings & where they stemmed from...and learned that there was a way to heal...it gave me hope...and while I am in deep stages of grieveing for 22 years of losses...I am no longer "depressed" and have a clearer perspective on life in general. I know what it is to be in a "dark" place where you truely KNOW with every fiber of your being that there is no way "out" and that good things will never come your way. I know how tempting that finial release can be....but things can get better. It's WORK. Hard work. Walking through your feelings is best done with a therapist or support group. I'm not at all in a "good" place yet....but I'm in a better place than I was...and I will only get healthier the more I work on my recovery. Hope that gives someone something.

 

People that commit suicide not only could care less for themselves but everyone else, including strangers. As an apartment maintenance tech ive had the unfortunate run in with this. I was with the court officer to do an eviction and when we walked into the bedroom my resident and neighbor was sitting on his bed with nothing from his chin up. He had decided to "flip his wig" by sucking on a 12 gauge shotgun and pulling the trigger with his foot. he was in his bedroom and his teeth and upper palate was in the dining room. His brain was splattered around the room and his skull fragments were imbedded in the walls and ceiling. I not only had to deal with that but his family too. On another occasion I was picking up trash after clocking in at the same complex, It was still dark and was walking by a unit when I looked up and my neighbor was hanging from the dining room light fixture. I had to cover the window from the outside so the kids going to school wouldn't see it till the police got there and cut her down. My roomie's dad decided to walk in front of a 60 mph train, they walked up and down the tracks for 2 weeks picking up small body parts and bits and pieces. His brother found where his dad had buried his wallet and wedding band near the tracks thinking it would never be found. These people didnt give a shit who they affected by their actions and alcohol was a factor in each case. Thats all I have to say on this topic. I wish I hadn't seen this thread...

 

Thanks for this thread. My best friend killed himself years ago... I'll have to come back here later and type more but it's nice to know it's here.

 

I attempted to commit suicide when I was 17 having had to cope with 3 of my friends all try and end their life and then be admitted to hospital. Then one of my friends died...not by suicide, but it was unexpected and a real shock. It kind of just screwed with my head.

Nowadays, I feel like it was the most selfish and stupid thing to do. The amount of stress and self-loathing I put my parents, sister and friends through, these things really helped me to pull through and to sort myself out.
Don't get me wrong...you don't start to feel better immediately, it takes time...months...years. However, every day you live through starts to make you feel stronger.

 

first time i tried i was 11. but here i am 22 years old. imagine that.

 

I'm bi-polar and schizoaffective, and an alcoholic. The pills and alcohol used to make me wish they would do me in together. But I always woke up. Glad now! Found good medications (Prozac and Seroquel), and found life to be good after all, even though I'm probably the oldest dude on this Forum. My brother checked out on an OD of Ecstacy (per the SF Coroner) in 2000. Too early, cause he would have loved these Forums and what's happening these days. I'm still crazy after all these years, but not crazy enough to off myself! (If I did it, one or more of my kids would, I'm sure, so that's a real bummer thought!)

 

I tried during a terrible split with my now ex boyfriend who used to rape me on a regular basis. Slit my wrists went to sleep and woke up the next morning. Never tried again

 

Oh.....

Such moving stories....

Love and blessings to all of you...

 

I dont know if this is i the right place, but Id like to speak about something I have just found out last night.

I was out a walk with my dog as I do most night and bumped into this person i know. Her Husband has a son who lives in Canada but used to come across every summer to visit his dad and we would hang out when he was here. He hadnt been across for like 7 years now so last night when I met this person I asked how he was. She said he had taken his own life almost 2 years ago. It was his 24th Birthday when he done it. I feel a little sick to be honest, all those years we never seen each other I always thought if I ever went to Canada Id go in past and see him, I had no idea why or how he done it.