I can't stop thinking about suicide, it seems I spend a quarter of the time thinking about it. Fantasizing about bleeding out into a warm tub, seeing a bullet ripping through my brain tissue, or simply drifting off to sleep with a heroin O.D.. I don't want to kill myself but I am having a really hard time finding any reasons to continue living. I can't develop any relationships it seems because I'm too paranoid and self conscious. I've turned to drugs over the years to help and I've had periods of "normalcy" where I would have a job for a few months or whatever and then everything goes to shit. I can feel I'm going down right now on what will probably be my worst down spiral yet. I don't know what I want anyone to say or what could help but I wanted to write down how I'm feeling at the very least.
Hey, had these horrible thoughts too, and astonished how they can creep up just like that. Best thing from my experience was to train my brain to ignore them and fight them. It is a horrible place to be but please be strong, once you do overcome this, you can have an amazing journey. I talked a lot, told people how I felt. I didn't care I was raising awareness. take care
For myself, my suicidal thoughts tend to be more philosophical than visceral imagery. The way you describe your imagery really reminded me of the movie. It's sort of based off of the Hagakure (The book of the Samurai) blended with an urban hit-man. One of the tenets of the 'manual' is to take some time to imagine your own death. In fact, it's the first paragraph of the movie. It may or may not give an interesting take on how to morph the images into something more helpful than harmful. It's certainly got a pile of other insight withing the movie too. Maybe you'll think it's shit but for some reason, when I read your post, my brain screamed Ghost Dog. So I'm putting it out there. Ghost Dog Give it a watch, if you have some time. Also...and I hate to say it because some people don't like to hear it...but meds did fucking wonders for me. It's not a cure but if you can get to the point where you don't feel like its all water in the lungs, it can help you start sorting crap out.
I'll check it out thanks. It seems like my kind of movie. As far as meds go I've been inpatient and was taking an SSRI but I really didn't like the way it made me feel and I retained the thoughts so I stopped taking them.
Sorry to hear that you are going through this. This thread may have some info that helps http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=485960&f=385 Often times you have to try several different medications until you find one that is right for you. You may also need more than one kind of med. An anti-depressant alone will not necessarily deal with unwanted thoughts. There may be some other meds that can help with that though. Therapy might be worth checking out too. Hope that something helps and things get better soon!
When I was in my depths I also watched this : Saving 10000 It didn't make me 'feel better'. It's a bit long. I think what I got out of this is how many people are out there thinking this way. It's also interesting because it's a culture that's been big on suicide. I know this shit isn't really what you're looking for. I'm just remember things I watched during that time that had some sort of effect. There didn't feel like there was anyone to reach out to, so I started looking at documentaries about suicide.
I know exactly where you're at, man. I'm not going to tell you about how if you wait, things will get better. You sound smart, you know that already. I'm not going to tell you to suck it up, that'll make it worse for you. I WILL invite you to PM me any time you wanna talk - anything you want, if I'm not too busy I'll try to get to it as soon as I can I also want you to read my thread(I met this squirrel), and if not the thread, then at least this quote I pulled from it, you sound like you need some reminding of the little things Here's to better days ahead, friend :sunny:
sometimes one particular medication may not work. what helps some people may not for someone else and vice versa because everyone is different. i have read and heard that the older tricyclic antidepressants are actually more effective in treating depression good luck man, i hope you get past this :sunny: better days lie just ahead, suicide is a permanent decision.
Just saw your thread on here. I totally understand where you are at right now. I have lived with the same ideas going through my head for years now. Not the most pleasant way to live, but it is manageable. I'm currently on Effexor and Wellbutrin. You do have to be patient, as it can take up to several months to get the full effects. Even then, you may have to increase dosages, or change dosage times. As well, you may have to take different amounts at different times of the year. This is due to the fact that your body chemistry is always changing, and you have to adjust the chemicals you are ingesting to compensate. This is also why certain foods can help, and other foods may hinder your progress. Most of the antidepressants do specify to tell your doctor if you are having suicidal ideations, as they may make the symptoms worse. I have also found that I have to split up my dosages to get better effects. If you have questions about what I have gone through, feel free to ask, I will do my best to answer them.
A few things to think about first, dying is the most uncomfortable, horrible panic feeling you'll ever experience. It's not a fun thing to die or be in process of dying. Another thing is you may not die and be forced to live a life of disability or be worse off then you initially started. And third the afterlife, make sure you want to face a reality that may be worse off then life on earth.
