Stupid Joke Thread

You know you're getting old when ...













happy hour becomes an afternoon nap

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Junior asks his Dad, "Daddy, how was I born?" His Dad sighs and replies,"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Six weeks later your Mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorised program activity from a self-extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've got male."

 

two english pals talk to eachother, one says; my dog has no nose
so the other one says; no nose? well...how does he smell?
so the first one says: bloody aweful!

 

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.



The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor

of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.



But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your

first request?"



The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."



The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who

whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that

evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As

the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and

spends the

night.



The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very

fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is

your second request?"



The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.



Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As

before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the

horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again

returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the

blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The

following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a

man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your

last request?"



The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."



The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone

Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both

ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you

d#@khead, for the last time............ BRING POSSE!!!!

 

Ey Bedlam...^^^ good one!

 

a young polarbear goes to his mommy and ask; hey mom am i a real authentic white polar bear? well duh...his mom says, so the little polarbear goes to his daddy and asks eh daddy-o am i a real authentic white polar bear? why yes indeed his dad says, so the young polarbear goes to his aunt and asks hey aunt, am i a real authentic white polarbear? sure ya are! his aunt says, then mom comes up to aunt and young polar bear and asks, baby why do ya keep asking that? the little bear says:
it's so frickin' cold!

 

A little known fact

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of
the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be
the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This
would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to
Mexico....

But as we know....the great ship did not make it to New York....The ship hit
an iceberg and sank....and the cargo was forever lost.... The people of
Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its
delivery....were disconsolate at the loss....

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning
which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs
each year on May 5th....and is known....of course....as ....

Sinko de Mayo.

 

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?

He's alright. (all right)

.

 

is that like like he"s two allrighters and not one allrighter .........and what happens if he"s unbalanced .

 

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

 

A young boy had just gotten his driver's licence. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

 

Two Italian women were sitting in one's kitchen when she sees her husband coming up the walk. She says "Oh my Godda! Here comesa my husband upa the walk with a dozen rosesa! My legsa gonna be spread for a weeka! The second looks at her quizically and says "Whatsa matta? You no gotta the vase?!"

Two cattlemen are riding the fences when they come across a calf with its head stuck in the fence. The one cattleman says "Well mate, can't pass this up can we?" and walks up behind the calf to take care of business. He's done, and looks up at his partner and says "Don't you want some too?" The second cattleman replys, "Well yea, but I'm kinda not wantin' my head in that fence..."

 

Dear Diary,

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call
from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole
year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we have it out! Just because I'm blonde doesn't
mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell
him just what his "Fast Talkin' Sales Guy" had told me last year; that
in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the
other end of the line, so I just hung up and I have not heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!

 

Ha!

 

A man becomes a monk, and is forced to take a vow of silence. So he does, and carries on doing... whatever it is monks do. Exactly one year after he joins, he is allowed to say two words. He says "uncomfortable bed". So the monk in charge (whatever they call him) give him a better bed, and he carries on. Exactly two years later, he is allowed to say two more words. He says "bad food". So he is given better food. He carries on. Three more years goes by. He is allowed to say two more words. He says "I quit". The leader responds "Well, that's all just as well, because you've been complaining ever since you got here."

 

What do you call cheese that belongs to me?
















































NACHO CHEESE!

 

what do you call 5 day old tuna in a lesbian's house?




pot pourri

 

my wife tried to commit suicide the other day
But i couldent get the window open!

i went to the doctors the other day, and he said 'i havent seen you for along time simon', and i said 'nah ive been sick!'

i was on the wireless the other day
but i fell off!

I went home and my wife said 'where you been all thuis time simon?'
i said 'yer ive been homesick!'

the crap has arrived...

 

what has 9 arms and sucks for a living?


Def Leppard

 

sorry if this is a repeat, i have not read the whole thread.....



why did god make pubic hairs curly?


so you don't poke your eyes out