Stupid Joke Thread

A giant talking snail went to a Chevy dealership and payed cash for a Z-28 Camero. The salesman was suprised, but he helped the snail as he would anyone, it being the policy of the dealership to not descriminate regardless of where in zoology a customer might fall. The snail LOVED the car. But since he was the worlds only driving snail, he wanted his car personalised a little. "Do you think we could change the "Z" in Z-28 to "S" for snail? "Of course, sir." And so it was. And a very happy snail sped away from the dealership, squalling tires and sliding sideways thru intersections, and generally moving like a bat outta hell. Two old men were sitting on a bus stop bench when he went by them, and one looked at the other and said "WOW! Did you see that S-car go?"

 

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon,
as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to
find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw
together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The
doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied
the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

 

Remember a while back? The John and Lorena Bobbitt thing, when she cut off his root 'cuz he beat her up? In the news, they told us all about how he woke up after she did the deed, and she ran out of the house. jumped in the car, and as she drove away she threw "it" out the window... Well, there was more to the story they didn't tell you... You see, two old men were behind her in a station wagon, and it flew back and hit the windshield. The one riding shotgun looked at the driver and said "Did you see the dick on that bug!"

 

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's
served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Theres no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!"

 

Three ducks walked into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all
day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,

"So, you must be Louie?"



"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

 

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

Another bear walks into a bar, this time it's a saloon in the wild west, walks up to the bartender and says, "I want a beer!"
The bartender says, "Look pal, we don't serve no beers to no bears in this bar!"
The bear gets pissed off and says, "Maybe you didn't hear me right. I said I want a beer!"
Bartender replies, "Like I said, we don't serve no beers to no bears in this bar!", pulls out a pistol and shoots the bear in the foot! The bear runs out of the bar roaring in pain!
A week later the bear comes back to the saloon dressed in black with two six-guns at his side. The place goes dead quiet. The bear approaches the bar slowly with fire in his eyes, his spurs going kaching! kaching! He sees it's a different bartender this time. He looks him square in the eye and says,
"I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw!"

 

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss, I no come workie today, I rearrie sick. I got headache, stomachache and my regs hurt. I no come work."

The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel that way, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that, ok?"

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

"Boss, I so excided! I do what you say. I feer great! No worry. I be work soon! You got rearrie nice house!!!"

 

Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

Judge: "What were you doing?"

1st man: "Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."

Judge: "And what were you doing?"

2nd man: "I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

Judge: "Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"

3rd man: "No, Sir. I am Peanuts!"

 

Three men were drinking beers together in a bar one evening, and thru the course of the conversation discovered each had been assigned the grim task of disposing of thier best friends ashes in a fitting way. The first man said "Me and my buddy like to sky-dive. So I thought I'd take him up to ten grand, trail his ashes out as I freefall, and then we'd have one last jump together." They all agreed that would be a fitting way to dispose of his ashes. The second says "My buddy and I liked to backpack. So I thought I'd plan a week long hike by myself, and at intervals pour some of his ashes out, so he'd become part of the trail and we'd have one more hike together." And they all agreed that would be a fitting way to dispose of his ashes. And the third man said "Me and my buddy were partners. And I though I'd make his ashes into a big pot of five alarm chili. That way the next morning he could tear my ass up one last time!"

 

here's some off the NZ forum...http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=82295

 

this joke doesnt lend itself well to typing, but i'll try my best....

what do you call a fish with no eye?

FSSSSSSSHHHH!!!!!

 

what do you call a constipated German?

a far-from-poopin'

 

Q: How do you make a pound of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

 

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In
his highly, aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next
30 years,with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in
a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going
through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the
age of 55, he'd be able to find work.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed 30 years of deposits
and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then, she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $3 million.
She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex,these
holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and
investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded

he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my
business!"


THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!

 

A man was lying on his deathbed, gasping his last, speaking to his wife who was sitting beside him. He said "I'm so ashamed of myself for the way I've treated you." She patted him and told him not to worry. He said " All these years we've been married, you've stood beside me, and I've repaid you with nothing but deceit". She told him it was okay. He said "For the past 30 years I've had many affairs, including one with your sister" She said she already knew, and it was okay. "You knew?" "Of course. That's why I poisoned you."

 

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. Thefirst old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking formywife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking formy wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What doesshelook like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair,blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What doesyour wife look like?"


To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look foryours."

 

Two sisters with Alzhiemers were getting ready to go out when one says "Darn! I forgot my pocketbook upstairs!" The second sister replied "We've got an upstairs?"

 

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this
display of emotion, nervously watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

What do you call a black guy with a medical degree?





















a Doctor, you racist!