Stupid Joke Thread

why do mermaids wear seashells?

cuz b shells are too small, and d shells are too big...

 

Ahem..

Did anyone hear about the fly on the toilet seat?



He got pissed off.

 

I thought mermaids wore algebras!

 

A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people
have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and
McDonald's for making them fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco
companies?"

The man says,

"Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've
slept with."

 

LOL @ Bedlam!

Good one, I'm gonna have to remember that.

 

A nun wearing a ful black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, see's her, and punches her in the face. Before she can scream, he lands a quick jab and finishes with an uppercut. She goes down, and the drunk starts kicking her in her sides. A few of his friends walk out of the bar, and as they pull him off the bloody nun, the drunk yells, "You arent so tough, are you Batman!!"

 

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby.

 

how can you tell if a girl is a true redneck?

she can chew tobacco and suck your dick at the same time but know what to spit and what to swallow!

 

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman who don't do what she's told.

 

An anthropologist went to the Amazon to study the native tribes deep in the jungle. A day after he arrived there started a slow rhythmic drumming deep in the unseen darkness. Concerened, he turns to his guide and asks if there is any real danger, the guide says "no, the only danger is when the drums stop."
A day, two days, three days eventually go by with the slow constant drumming, until on the fourth day, they stop.
Petrified the anthropologist turns to his guide and asks "what happens now," ashen faced and terrorfied the guide answers "Bass solo."

 

you tell your joke, i'll tell mine!

 

K. A farmer's wife calls in an veterinary psychologist to evaluate thier animals because the farm had quit producing at all. The farmer was against it, but he went along with it. The vet started with the chickens, and sat down in the run with then for about 20 minutes and seemed to be talking to them. He came back to the farmer and said "the hens are angry with you because you changed thier feed." The farmer thought back and sure enough, he had switched to a cheaper feed right before the hens quit laying. "If I change back, will they lay again?" "Yes". So the vet talks to the cows, who had quit milking. Comes back and says, " they're upset because you turned up the pressure on the automatic milkers. It hurts them." The farmer said he'd done it to get more milk, but would change it back. As the vet walked off, he said "I'm headed out to the pasture to talk with the the sheep, goats, and horses>" And the farmer yelled back " Well, I'll say right up front those sheep are some lying sons of bitches!"

 

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?

One Student: Because George still had the axe in is hand.

 

How To Simulate Life In The Navy
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053."
11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day you have duty.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, do not empty shitcans over the fantail)
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
20.Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."
27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone,and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")
31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
33.When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!
37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
43.Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbors car. Ignore his complaints.
45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.
50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of yours tove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular "stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

 

Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

Judge: "What were you doing?"

1st man: "Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."

Judge: "And what were you doing?"

2nd man: "I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

Judge: "Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"

3rd man: "No, Sir. I am Peanuts!"

 

Three daughters
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop. " Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long-King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline?

The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted.

 

Two guys are stranded in the middle of the desert, haven't eaten or drank anything in a couple days and figure that if they don't get some help soon that they're pretty much finished. After walking for several hours they both see an oasis in the distance, but both thinking it must be a mirage don't bother saying a word about it. An hour later and the pair are nearly on top of the oasis, realising their luck they immediately start lapping up the beautiful clear water. After satisfying their thirst the two are laying on their backs talking about their good fortune when one spots a tall shrub off to one side with the most perfect looking sides of pork, bacon rashers and the like that he had ever seen. He straight away gets up and heads toward it with an energy he has not felt in days. The second guy looks over to where his mate is going and exclaims "oh my god, it's a bacon tree!" just before he is cut short by the sound of gunfire and his mate drops to the ground. Looking around for the culprit he jumps up and goes over to help his mate who he realises is still breathing when his mate calls out with his dying breath "don't come any closer, it's not a real bacon tree!!!"













"It's a HAM BUSH!!!!!"

 

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her dad gets a cut, the girl enjoys a snack cake in the chair by the door. She gets bored and goes to see what her Dad's cut is looking like, and the barber says, "Honey, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie!" She replys "Yep. And I'm gonna get boobs, too!"

 

what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

a quarter pounder with cheese

 

Why does pussy have hair covering it?

To hide the hook...