Stupid Joke Thread

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.



"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

"You know, woman to woman."

 

he asked how high the plane was michael " to which the stewardess replied so many thousand feet up . what father o"leary really meant was how high from floor to ceiling . thats why he then proceeded to ask how wide it was " so the jokes on the stewardess. hope this helps ............man some yanks have a wierd sense of humour ............

 

K. This woman keeps taking her dog to the vet for ear infections. She asks why they keep coming back and the vet tells her some breeds have a lot of hair in thier ears and that traps dirt and oil and causes the infections, and she should get a bottle of hair remover like Nair and put some on a rag and gently remove SOME of the hair in the dog's ears. Next time she's in the drugstore, she puts a bottle in her cart. At the checkout, the pharmasist says "If you use that on your legs, wear shorts for a few days becuse that stuff is caustic and will irritate the skin and shorts will make you more comfortable. She replys, "Thank you, it's not for my legs". He says, "Well, if you use it under your arms, wear a loose tee or maybe spaghetti straps for a few days." She replys, more irritated, " Thank you, it's not for my underarms either." This got her an uneasy silence, so she said "If you must know, it's for my Schnauzer." He said, "Stay off your bike for a few days."

 

man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that, "Who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE.... during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!"

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy, sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!". Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

 

You asked for it now!


One day in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God.



"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Adam?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Adam, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a woman for you."

"What's a woman, Lord?"

"This woman will be a flawless creature, with many good traits. She'll cook and clean and raise your children for you. She'll satisfy all your physical needs, and best of all, she won't spend all your money or interrupt you when there's a match on.

"Sounds great." says Adam, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "But how much will she cost me, Lord?"

"An arm and a leg, I'm afraid, Adam."

"What can I get for a rib?"

 

Farm wasn't doing so good, so the farmer's wife called in an animal psyhcologist to see if that would help. Farmer was furious for her to spend money on something so stupid, but he had to go along. Started with the cows, who'd quit giving milk long ago. He sat calmly and mooed softly and the cows seemed to respond. After a while, he came to the farmer and said "They're upset because you changed thier feed". The farmer thought back and remembered about the time they quit milking he had in fact switched to a cheaper feed. "If I switch back will they milk again?" "Yes". Next was the laying hens. The psychologist clucked around with them and in a while came up with "They're mad because you collect eggs too early. It wakes them up." "If I gathered later would they lay again?" "Yes". This excited the farmer's wife so much she insisted the psychologist talk to every animal on the farm for suggestions on how to make them happier and more productive. The farmer shouted to him as he headed out "Don't pay any attention to those sheep! They're some lying mutherfuckers!"

 

Surely that joke only works if it's a Welsh farmer!

 

It works for a few others too!

 

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

 

Kiss my ass!

What's the difference between a black chick and a bowling ball? If I REALLY, REALLY had to, I could eat a bowling ball.

 

two turds and a wig go out for a bevy " turd go"s the bar and asks for 3 pints of lager . bartender refuses to serve them " turd asks why ?. bartender sez" you three were in here last week" at the the end of the night two of you were steaming " and one was of his fucken head .

 

Ghandi was very violent

 

Mary had a little lamb,
her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school-
between two slices of bread.

 

I know this is meant to be a thread for awful jokes but that really takes the piss!

 

Sorry. Did'nt mean to OH-FEND your english ass. Folks were telling gay jokes, so I thought a little color would be okay. It was meant as humor, not seriously.

Hey, what's the difference between the Queen Mother and a bowling ball?

 

a man heard a knock on his door one day, he opened the door and what should he see but a snail...... he picked up the snail and threw it as far as he could......


2 weeks later the sam man heard a knock on his door, he opend his door and again he saw the same snail.... and quite earnestly the snail said






What the fuck did you do that for?

 

Lmao.

A man in desperate need of a restroom goes into a bar and asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender replys "up the stairs and to the right", so the man hurries upstairs, but he can't find any bathroom. He really needs to go, then he notices a little hole in the floor. He goes in it. He goes back down stairs and the bar is empty, so he asks the bartender "Where'd everybody go?" and the bartender replys "where were you when the shit hit the fan?".

Lmao lmao lmoamlam
I got it from a joke website.

I will go find the link.

http://www.effect.net.au/lukastan/humour/Mainmenu.htm

 

A man goes into a bar, and sees a donkey sitting at the end of the bar. He tells the bertender, "I bet you ten bucks I can make that donkey laugh." The bartender says, "You're on." The guy walks down to the donkey, and pretty soon the donkey is laughing his ass off. The bartender asks, "How did you do that?" The guy replies, "I told him mine was bigger than his. Now I'll go double or nothing that I can make that donkey cry." The bartender says, "OK, you're on, I'd like to see that." The guy walks over to the donkey, and pretty soon the donkey is crying like a baby. The bartender asks the guy, "Now how did you do that?" The guy replies, "I showed him mine."

Cheers!

 

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!" At this point the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

 

in the way of reviving my thread...



A man approached a prostitue, and began negotiating price. Finally, the woman said "I'll do anything for 100 dollars." "ANYthing?" "ANYTHING." So he took her home and told her to paint his house...