Stupid Joke Thread

What do you call someone with a knob on there face?

Fuck knows?

 

what's clint eastwood's brother's name?

clint westwood.

now laugh dammit!

 

A toothless termite walks into a pub and says "is the bar tender here?"

 

So this mushroom walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says "You gotta leave, mushroom, we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says "Aw c'mon, I'm a fun gi!"

 

You know what kind of coffee they drank on the Titanic?






Sanka.

 

A man with no legs goes to a party and after a short while is thrown out into the street. A passerby asks "what happened?" The guy says "they kicked me out for arseing (assing) around."


Why did the elephantn paint his toenails red? So he could hide in the strawberry patch without being seen.

 

A black dude walks into a bar with a pig under his arm.
The bartender asks "where did you get that?"
"Africa" replies the pig.

 

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a call girl? "

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

"Good enough."

 

RE: what do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole ??? Phil

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs and two hundred rabbits up his arse? Warren.

 

Three guys are in a rather dirty bar.

The Englishman notices a fly in his beer, sniffs, pushes his pint at the barman and says "I say, another pint of shandy please, this one has a fly in it" (well, he were a Southerner.)

The American sees the fly in his beer, swills the beer, spits out the fly, and carries on.

The Canadian is holding the fly upside down over his glass yelling "spit it oot ya baaaarstard! SPIT IT OOT!"

 

What do you call a man nailed to a wall? ~ Art

What do you call an arm, a leg, and a torso nailed to a wall? ~ Pieces of Art.

 

girlfriend: i don't like pedophilia!

boyfriend: my that's a big word for a nine year old!

 

okay, where does a snowman keep his money?
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dont know.....a snowbank!!!! Yes!!! I know that was funny!!!

 

Where do you go to get your grizzly bear waxed?

A Strip Maul

 

A waitress that has big breasts works at hooters...where does a one-legged waitress work?

IHOP

 

A man and a woman were riding together in a business jet. The woman had a monkey that was making quite a fuss, and the woman was getting irritated with it.
The business man was getting irritated as well, so to calm his nerves he broke out a really big cigar and fired it up. The lady not liking the smell asked the man to put it out, but he refused. An argument ensued. Meanwhile the monkey had climbed into the cockpit and jumped on the pilot causing the plane to nose dive. Finally at the last minute he was able to pull up. The business man and woman were frightened half to death. The business man said to the lady, I'll throw this cigar out the door if you'll toss the monkey out. The woman agreed. Since the plane was now flying at a low altitude because of the nose dive, there was no pressurization problem opening the door. The woman through the monkey out of the plane and the business man tossed his stogie.. The two started talking and hit it off quite well. A short time later the plane landed and as the 2 disembarked from the plane, they heard a noise. They looked back and there was the monkey hanging on to the planes tail. And do you know what he was holding in his hand?








The brick!

 

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted.
after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?
"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

 

Prison VS Work: Which is more desirable? You decide!


IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON ........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

 

Tim diecided that when he got home he'd rip his wifes panties off, the lace was really rubbing him round the crotch
dada
S

 

A man was going hunting one morning, and he got up and fixed his lunch, made coffee and breakfast, grabbed his things and his rifle, and walked out into the freezing cold wind and rain. He backed his truck out of the driveway after the windshield had defrosted, and made it halfway around the block before he decided the weather was too bad to go. He turned around and pulled back into his driveway, went in and went back to bed. His wife rolled over, kissed him deeply, and said "Can you believe that dumbass went hunting in this weather?"