So I'm in a really awful position right now. I have a fiance that next week I'll have been with for 8 years. I was 17 when we started dating. He was my first boyfriend. Because of weird circumstances (me getting kicked out of my mom's house), I moved in with him and his dad only a couple weeks after we started dating. About a year later we got our first apartment. He has severe anxiety and struggles with alcohol even though he won't admit it. He has a very hard time working because of his anxiety so he is almost always unemployed. (including right now) I work 3 jobs to support us. I just managed to buy us our first home (condo) in March of this year. We have 2 cats and an iguana who are literally my reasons for getting up in the morning. I have reached a point where I am extremely unhappy. I still love him but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I have tried to be as patient and understanding with his mental health issues as I possibly could but I feel so alone in my relationship now. He won't help me at all around the house. If I ask for anything he sighs and takes a long pause and says 'I guess.' I cant talk to him about anything without setting him off. I am going through a lot of shit right now (I just lost my grandma and am having to deal with her house and belongings and all the other stuff that goes on when someone passes) and he plays video games and ignores me when I get home from work. I end up just crying by myself feeling so alone. I don't want to give up on him because I still care about him but I am a person too and I just can't do everything by myself right now. I really need support but I don't get it. But here's the really sticky part for me. My cats are extremely attached to him. Like extremely attached. Of course they would be as I work long hours everyday but he is home with them all day in the room playing video games. They see him more so they are close to him. I couldn't bare to seperate them from him. But at the same time I cannot live without them. My entire world revolves around my babies. I would die for them. My iguana is about 7.5. My oldest cat just turned 7 this month, and my baby kitty is almost 3. Everytime I think about ending things, I get so overwelmed thinking about what would happen with the animals. I can't sleep without them I can't even go out of town because I won't sleep. Also my fiance has no where to go. He has no money so he can't afford to live anywhere and I don't think any of his family would take him in. If they did, it would only be a matter of time before they realize he isn't going to change and they would inevitably kick him out. Its just a big mess for me. I also have literally never been with anyone else in my entire life so there's also apart of me that is scared. I also haven't been alone in 8 years. But honestly fear wouldn't stop me. It's the animals that keep me stuck. I just don't know what to do. I want to go to therapy because I think it will help but I lost my insurance last month. There's a university that offers cheap therapy but only when school is in session so I have to wait for the fall. In the meantime I am just trying to hold on and not lose my mind. My house is a mess and shit is falling apart but I get no help. I'm honestly so tired I don't know if I can keep going. Of course I will but it's overwhelming.
I just got done facin' down a similar situation myself. My ex wife & I'd been married for eight years & we have one livin' child, a dog & two cats. I was the one in your fiance's place & my wife, sorry ex wife was in your place. Well sort of. Anyway I gotta hit the hay so I'll make this short & sweet. You need to follow your heart. Life is short & you gotta take it by the reins & push forward. If nothin' else at least you ain't married yet. Well like I said I gotta go for the night but if you need to talk feel free to PM me & I'll get back to you ASAP.
That's awful, sorry to hear this PL&M It's a tough position to be in. It sounds pretty clear that something's got to change though. It's both a matter of your not being able to continue, and it probably not being in his self-interest to just stagnate and play video games all day. He may be able to apply for disability benefits, vocational rehabilitation, or both You might want to have a conversation with them about that though, just in case they would take him. post #1 and #21 of this thread might be helpful to him Treating Depression and Anxiety Would a joint-custody type arrangement work? If joint custody won't work, then maybe if he can at least bring in some money, either in the form of a disability check or a part-time job, you could live in the same home, but just not as a couple. That might be a little weird, but I don't know if there is any other way if separating him and your pets is not an option. I may have mentioned calling 211 or visting 211 already, but it might be worth mentioning. They might be able to help connect you to healthcare. I hope that something can help!
Nothing like a rock and a hard place.The amount of stress you are under at the moment,would make most people crack.I'ts a wonder you haven't been featured on an episode of Snapped yet.First and foremost,You must take care of yourself,after all what happens to everyone,and everything,if God Forbid you get down sick. Their has got to be some mental health care available somewhere close by,if nothing else,consult your county health department.Also,It's time for some tuff love.You are going to have to talk to him,and you are going to have to try to get him to talk to you.And beaten feet69 is right,atleast you haven't married,then the situation would be much worse.But avoid the mental healthcare quacks,the ones who give you 15 minutes,then throw some pills at you,and say come back next month so I can do it again. I did the exact same thing when mybi-polar set in,My wife finally said"I cannot fix you,though god knows I have tried,you are going to have to find some Professional help,or we are through.And I loved her enough to heed the warning I was given.Do not make the animals an issue,or he will try and exploit you with it.Please keep us up to date,and reach out to whom ever you think may help.Heartfelt Condolences to you on your Grandmothers Passing.
those cats will forget buddy in less than a week.....that is a ridiculous reason to not leave a dead end relationship....dude seriously.....get the fuck out of this mess and ditch this guy...drop off the key lee...get yourself free
Tell him change, or move on, be open and honest! Don't be a slave for anyone.. there is life out there for you both, try it! This will upset you and a lot of people, but they are cats, what you going to do when they die? They don't live forever..not like they are children, You say you bought a place, is it in both names? If yes, sell it, give him some money to start himself up, then start again! It can be done!
Nothing gets fixed when alcohol is a problem, let alone putting anxiety into the mix. Your position seems to be like a grownup raising a difficult child. Look, we ALL make mistakes ----some don't matter so much, but to live a life under your circumstances is NOT MANDATORY. You were not born to carry someone through life that seemingly has no desire or is incapable of facing the problems that you have mentioned. Won't this continue day after day after day after week after week after--you get the idea. This is up to YOU to make a bold move of some kind in order to snap this guy out of his comfortable way of taking advantage of you. Number 0ne: The alcohol has TO GO. That means you DO NOT buy alcohol or give him money to buy it. If that is not to his liking----you know what comes next= it's your move. Grab yourself some life ---some independence-- and begin to enjoy being an independent human that believes you have a right to be happy! PS: How about your people? Anyone to help you?
yeah, the cats are just an excuse. get the fuck out and take the cats with you. or leave them with him if you want, although it sounds like he's too lazy to take care of them if you did that.
While he could be depressed, he sounds like he is manipulating you. What would he do if you weren’t in his life? You’re breaking up so I would give him a time line. It sounds like you’re so stressed and that’s not healthy. Hope it all works out somehow!
D is right....being stressed over something you feel is right is not healthy (hard yes, healthy no). You owe yourself a chance at happiness. It is more than understandable that you want to help him but do you see yourself with him 5 years down the road or 10? Maybe, if he gets help then everything works out great for both of you. I hope so.
Alcoholism taxes a person's serotonin levels, causing anxiety and/or depression. They drink to feel (temporarily) better, but that just keeps them anxious and/or depressed. Denial is the number one mental block of alcoholism. Many die from alcoholism through denial. He has to want to stop drinking for himself, and not for any other reasons. If he stopped drinking, and stayed stopped. He would become a better person to himself and others around him (including you).
