This thread is gonna make me paranoid that people I know read it more than any of the personal shit I have ever posted in my whole internet history, but there's no one I can talk to about this and I just want to confess it to someone because that's what I do. I confess. I admit things to myself and outloud and I don't like feeling like I have to hide this. So I have this friend, we had hooked up once randomly and for whatever reason I thought it was really hot. Like he's not that good looking and I was kinda shocked that he had got me so turned on, but it was like not a big thing. I felt kinda weird around him for a little bit just because we acted like it never happened which made me a little insecure like he regretted it or something, but it was not a big deal. I wasn't feeling super weird about it just a little uncomfortable about it, mostly about my body like maybe he wishes he never saw me naked. And he's always chasing tail and I'm always quietly rooting for him because I see him go for girl after girl and get kinda blown off. It doesn't make me the littlest bit jealous because I don't want him for myself. I just notice it and I think it's kinda adorable. So that's like the backstory or whatever. Recently, like a couple months ago I was suffering from serious sexual frustration problems that I could barely handle. Between being single for the first time practically ever and having this weird manic sex drive that makes me crazy horny for weeks on end and the stress of being cooped up with my new baby all the time and on top of all of that roommate and best friend is like super sexual and was constantly trying to fuck me. And I just really wanted to get some and I told her he was the only person I could think of that I wanted. So she basically asked him to come nail me which was like kinda awkward especially since he was like "maybe." But he did. And it was ok. Not mind-blowing, but I just needed to fuck and sweat so I was good with it. Happened once more and that was kinda hot, but that's a whole story and that's not what I'm confessing here. But he basically told my roommate that it wasn't gonna happen again (said he wanted to be celibate for a while or some shit) I don't know why he couldn't just tell me that. So there are 2 things that bug me about this 1 - I still think we *should* be screwing each other. I'm comfortable with him and I think I could maybe help him be more relaxed and natural (better) in bed. And I don't want to be his girlfriend or stop him from trying to get one. I have other options now so it's not like I'm desperate like before, but he's still basically my first choice. 2 - I don't feel like I can talk to him about any of this. Something just says he doesn't want to (like for instance him telling my roomie instead of me that he was done with my ass). And I have no clue what he thinks or what he thinks I think. So, sorry for the novel. I almost never do that, but like I said, I have zero people that I can actually talk to about this. And it's not even that big of a deal to me. I'm not like emotionally distressed about it, I just needed to confess it. It's a free love issue because I cannot be free about it. I can't work my sexual healing on this dude or be open with him about how I feel about it and that's the problem.