stuck on this guy in a weird kind of way

Discussion in 'Free Love' started by tuesdaystar, Sep 2, 2013.

  1. tuesdaystar

    tuesdaystar Interneter

    This thread is gonna make me paranoid that people I know read it more than any of the personal shit I have ever posted in my whole internet history, but there's no one I can talk to about this and I just want to confess it to someone because that's what I do. I confess. I admit things to myself and outloud and I don't like feeling like I have to hide this.

    So I have this friend, we had hooked up once randomly and for whatever reason I thought it was really hot. Like he's not that good looking and I was kinda shocked that he had got me so turned on, but it was like not a big thing. I felt kinda weird around him for a little bit just because we acted like it never happened which made me a little insecure like he regretted it or something, but it was not a big deal. I wasn't feeling super weird about it just a little uncomfortable about it, mostly about my body like maybe he wishes he never saw me naked.

    And he's always chasing tail and I'm always quietly rooting for him because I see him go for girl after girl and get kinda blown off. It doesn't make me the littlest bit jealous because I don't want him for myself. I just notice it and I think it's kinda adorable.

    So that's like the backstory or whatever.

    Recently, like a couple months ago I was suffering from serious sexual frustration problems that I could barely handle. Between being single for the first time practically ever and having this weird manic sex drive that makes me crazy horny for weeks on end and the stress of being cooped up with my new baby all the time and on top of all of that roommate and best friend is like super sexual and was constantly trying to fuck me. And I just really wanted to get some and I told her he was the only person I could think of that I wanted.

    So she basically asked him to come nail me which was like kinda awkward especially since he was like "maybe." But he did. And it was ok. Not mind-blowing, but I just needed to fuck and sweat so I was good with it. Happened once more and that was kinda hot, but that's a whole story and that's not what I'm confessing here.

    But he basically told my roommate that it wasn't gonna happen again (said he wanted to be celibate for a while or some shit) I don't know why he couldn't just tell me that.

    So there are 2 things that bug me about this

    1 - I still think we *should* be screwing each other. I'm comfortable with him and I think I could maybe help him be more relaxed and natural (better) in bed. And I don't want to be his girlfriend or stop him from trying to get one. I have other options now so it's not like I'm desperate like before, but he's still basically my first choice.

    2 - I don't feel like I can talk to him about any of this. Something just says he doesn't want to (like for instance him telling my roomie instead of me that he was done with my ass). And I have no clue what he thinks or what he thinks I think.

    So, sorry for the novel. I almost never do that, but like I said, I have zero people that I can actually talk to about this. And it's not even that big of a deal to me. I'm not like emotionally distressed about it, I just needed to confess it. It's a free love issue because I cannot be free about it. I can't work my sexual healing on this dude or be open with him about how I feel about it and that's the problem.
  2. Aerianne

    Aerianne Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    If it's at all salvageable, you're going to have to drop the middle-man. Stop letting the roomie be involved at all. You don't know how things are getting twisted when the two of them talk. Level with him. If it's cool and casual, you shouldn't have a problem with just leveling with him.

    He might leave you feeling a little rejected but adults can process some of that.
  3. tuesdaystar

    tuesdaystar Interneter

    I know right. The obvious right answer. But that just never feels right. I get the distinct impression that he does not want to talk about it.

    And I already feel rejected because like why turn down free sex? Probably my fat ass or baby mama status. Both perfectly legitimate haha.

    Plan B is just confess it to the internet and try to just let go of it.
  4. Aerianne

    Aerianne Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    Yeah, if it feels weird then maybe you shouldn't pursue it anymore.
  5. BottleFED

    BottleFED Member

    Ageed, the roomie can't be involved but also, there is one thing you hinted at that could very well be his underlying issue. From what you told us, you are Single with a child! While certainly a SELFISH reason, he stopped for one of two reasons and being tired of having sex with YOU, Isn't IT! While I don't know a man alive who most likely wouldn't say to his buddies, Bro, I need to move on, she's just not my type, in translation what he actually means is, I can't get involved with a ready made family, or Im falling for her and unless I back out now, I will be a part of a RMF and I'm not ready! Yeah, I heard you say it strictly sexual, and that may be true for YOU, but looking at it from his eyes, it's extremely difficult for a man to believe that he can be a part of something sexual without strings attached, UNLESS, you made that absolutely Perfectly Clear, even then its hard to swallow for him! Most believe that every human with a Penis desires nothing more than to screw himself to death when they are young, lol, while it may be true for some, the majority do indeed want something meaningful and searching for a mate (read LOVE) is as much a part of a mans human nature as holding ones breath when beneath the water! Guys who say I'm going to stay single and Fuck all the women I want have done nothing more than to change the words from their heart which mean he wants someone to Love and is either waiting for the one that will never come or is too emotionally immature to be able commit to it!
  6. kokujin

    kokujin Senior Member

    i dunno. i just know you guys (girls) make the worst potential mates on earth. It's one thing to not get ass because of your own short-comings. It's another to work on them then realize you still gotta switch up and tweak your own unique and special personality to make up for the passive insecure batshit never communicates anything short-comings the female side of the equation.

    oh and ofc you gotta approach and break the ice, AND be the one to offer to take her home too. Like wtf. ! Seriously bitches, I did not realize you have been making my life this hard till now.
  7. Asmodean

    Asmodean Slo motion rider

    This thread was not about your own specific issue, kokujin. So the least thing you could do is make at least part of your post on topic :D
  8. kokujin

    kokujin Senior Member

    the stuff about communicating. I'm sure she's just bitching 'cuz he's not begging her for more sex, all the while she ofc communicates nothing and reaches out not a fucking zip.


  9. Asmodean

    Asmodean Slo motion rider

    You are sure(ly wrong).
  10. tuesdaystar

    tuesdaystar Interneter

    BottleFED - I'm totally sure this guy wants a girl. I mean I know he does and I'm not it and don't want to be.

    I don't want to get seriously involved with anyone for a long time because I KNOW I need to be on my own to grow right now. And having a kid, I'm not gonna get too heavily involved with anyone that's not really into my kid because I've seen guys pretend to give a shit about a girl's kids because they are into her and it's really obvious and gross.

    He's just been my first choice for a fuck buddy since I've been in the market for one and I am annoyed by his indifference. And the rejection is just kind of embarrassing to me. That's why I said I don't want anyone who knows me (esp. if they could guess who I'm talking about) knowing all of this. I don't want anyone to know that I still wanna be screwing this particular guy even after he blew me off about it.

    I'm trying my best to get over it. Like I said, my feelings are not hurt (well not badly - obviously I feel rejected and a little insecure about it), but I really just need a new first choice, you know? Because the dudes I have slept with are all less ideal, less of a good fit for me.
  11. tuesdaystar

    tuesdaystar Interneter

    Well ok, I see where you are going here. But he knows I'm available to him and I told him to hit me up anytime. He told my roommate he was done with it, instead of communicating TO ME. So no, I'm not gonna hit him up when that's the last I've heard of it.

    I *could* just talk to him about it even though he seems to clearly not want to, but that's gonna have to wait for the right time and place if that ever happens.

    So yeah, in a way I'm just bitching because hes not begging me for more sex :svengo:

    I can't get what I want. Boo hoo.

    I just have this thing about not wanting to be ashamed and since I feel somewhat ashamed about this, my answer is to spill it all out.
  12. tuesdaystar

    tuesdaystar Interneter

    Instant over it.

    I woke up this morning horny I started thinking about this dude, I got myself off, I wasn't satisfied, I started thinking about waking my ex up for sex. One whole week after having a serious talk with him about how we can't keep having sex because we both need to focus on ourselves and growing.

    And I realized, I'm not hung up on this dude at all. I'm not really attracted to him or into him. I'm only just uncomfortable with my life circumstances. I've never been single and I've never been a mom and *I'm* the one that decided to keep this baby, I'm the one that decided I couldn't be in a relationship with his father anymore. It's all on me and it's just uncomfortable.

    So what if I have no sex life because I'm constantly caring for my tiny son? So what if I get stressed out? This is my life. I put myself here. This is where I need to be right now.

    Maybe I will find a good fuck buddy that I'm sexually compatible with, that doesn't have a personality I find gross, that actually wants to come back for more. Maybe I will, but it's not a fucking emergency and it doesn't have to be this one guy just because I'm ok with him for it.

    I'm ok, I just can't get sex whenever I want it. It happens to people. It's not a tragedy.
  13. nooneleft

    nooneleft Member

    ARE YOU SURE you don't have some *feelings* for this guy?? Maybe just a little, because you might be trying to convince yourself, while your body is craving him?
    Maybe he's passive and that's comforting to you, while you're both familiar with each other ( kind of like turning down a hot new pair of shoes for your old comfy sandals?)
    I also agree, dump the roomie out of this because the truth might not be coming out like it should?
  14. tuesdaystar

    tuesdaystar Interneter

    I don't know what "some feelings" means. Of course I have "some feelings" I find him adorable and he's almost always in a good mood and nice to people. I just don't have super squishy romantic feelings for him (or anyone) and I don't want to have him to my self and be his sweetheart and his girlfriend (or anyone's right now).

    I wanted him to be the person I could get naked with and have fun sometimes. Because I don't find myself attracted to many people or often and after he quit my ass and I started seeking other options, I was dissatisfied in some way with everyone.

    One guy sex was really quite good, but I am so put off by his personality I didn't even really want to when he hit me up, but I was horny as hell so I went for it. I didn't kiss him or put my mouth on him at all and like I said it was good sex - and I still don't really want to do it again.

    Another guy was ok, good fun, I probably could hit him up. He's a little smaller than ideal, but still a good time, good looking and a real good kisser. It was a classic wham-bam-thankya-mam kind of situation (the second time anyway - first was a premeditated 3some) which I was cool with. I'll keep him in mind - it'll probably happen again.

    This other dude keeps hitting me up because I made him feel like a rock star. Asked him over for sex out of the blue when we hardly know each other. But he had a little dick and was a total face-eater like I've never known. I'm trying to figure out how to blow him off kindly so he doesn't get more insecure about his little willy than he probably already is.

    And then the neighbor, that was a drunken mess. Maybe coulda been good if I wasn't wasted. He was nicely hung. Something about him puts me off when I see him sober though. My friend says he looks like a panty-sniffing creeper.

    So there's my problem - I'm seeking too hard for a viable fuck buddy because I'm sexually frustrated, stressed and uncomfortable with my current life circumstances. And being dissatisfied with other encounters, I go back to him in my mind because I was ok with him. I feel comfortable around him, I like him. Maybe I think I can kind of "play girlfriend" behind closed doors. Treat him kindly and generously, love on him fully without attachment, so that's why it seems close to ideal.

    But really I don't need to be so eager to find a sex partner. It's normal to get sexually frustrated when single, I'm just not used to it.

    Plus I kind of have a new target ;)
  15. monkjr

    monkjr Senior Member

    To be fair Kokujin, he pulled stereotypical girl behavior, by not approaching her directly with his feedback/questions about what has been going on between them and had to go through a mediator (via the roomate).

    This situation just cannot be applied to criticism of the female sex on the dating scene.
  16. PineMan

    PineMan Senior Member

    I guess the real question is that even if you do decide to adopt this NSA relationship, purely for sex, can you be sure it won't on to something else. Personally I doubt it very much. Even when I make sex dates I specify from the start that they are to be one-off NSA dates, so as to avoid them from going any further - and I'm not currently in any kind of relationship - Gay or Straight & for now, I don't want to be, so I don't want to run that risk.
  17. tuesdaystar

    tuesdaystar Interneter

    Umm, yeah. I don't know. I don't think there's any sure fire way to avoid it. I don't feel like I'm mentally and emotionally in a position to get attached. But like I said, I'm actually feeling much better about not trying to force myself into anything at all.

    I had a really good FWB when I was younger. We were best friends and had great sex and we didn't get attached in the way that we got jealous and possessive over each other, but at the same time I'm STILL totally attached to him. I still think he's totally hot and I'd pick up right where I left off with him 11 years ago. So whatever that kind of attachment is, I'm fine with it.

    One time things are fine too, 5 time things are fine. But would love to have a person that I am actually compatible with sexually in a situation that we can both be available to each other. And maybe it's just a fantasy, maybe it's a fantasy that can help get me through rough nights of sexual frustration. It's an ideal situation in my mind.

    I'm fully aware of how many ways I'm at high risk of making a less than ideal situation too. The very fact that I got distressed about this guy proves that. This whole thread has actually helped me counsel myself on the issue. Which I didn't expect. I just thought I was embarrassing myself by admitting what I didn't want to admit because I didn't want to have a shameful little secret. But I've revealed much more to myself in the process.

    I know what I'm doing here. I'm on a serious LTR rebound under pressure of huge changes of lifestyle and life circumstances and I'm trying to corner someone into a situation that fits my needs.

    I'm actually proud of myself. I've managed to keep my grubby little paws of my ex every damn day even when I felt horny enough to drag someone in off the street and he's lying in my bed as good looking as ever and perfectly willing. I've stopped thinking about this guy even though it has nagged at the back of my mind for months.

    Mind over matter. I don't know how I'm going to manage to conjure up a sex life, but it's not going to be by fixating on someone that's not interested and it's not gonna be by hooking up with anyone I find remotely attractive (or not repulsive when I'm drunk - ie neighbor) and it's most certainly not going to be sleeping with my ex.

    I need to handle my sexual frustration like an adult and hold my sexual energy for when I can do it like I mean it. I'm not restricting myself. I can hook up with whoever I want to whenever I want to. I'm just choosing to be less desperate about it.

    Somebody's going to come along that I will have a mutual attraction with and sex so good that will push the boundaries of an "NSA relationship"
  18. tuesdaystar

    tuesdaystar Interneter

    Oh and as for my "new target," he's not a target anymore either. I think he's sexy and I think he's got the disposition for a casual relationship, but I don't have it in my head that I need to get myself into a position naked with him and test it out. It will happen if it does.
  19. tuesdaystar

    tuesdaystar Interneter

    Dammit! I've been having sex with the ex again for the past few days because I obviously have awesome self control. He says it's just sex, just to feel good together. If only that were true. He has also said he doesn't want anyone else.

    I think he needs to get some other pussy so he can stop thinking I'm the only woman in the world and I can stop knowing he will always be there if I want him.
  20. ceasar augustus

    ceasar augustus Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    You lucky bugger. Nothing worse than people who are having sex and then complaining about it! Pity us ugly guys who can't get laid at all!

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