Straight Gal With Lesbian Friends...can't Understand

I was raised in a rather liberal household where my parents didn't imprint intolerant views on us, happily. I had gay male friends in college, and knew a lesbian or two in a more superficial way through work. My most recent experience had me completely floored and I'm having trouble with it. Am I just completely unable to empathize?

I grew up in Santa Barbara, CA, went to college in LA, lived in Hollywood and saw the life in technicolor in West Hollywood, then lived in the SF Bay Area for 16 years. My husband's job change took us to the San Joaquin valley, where it's red, religious, and gay-intolerant. We live in the country where population density is really low, so making friends has been difficult.

Long story short, I met a lesbian couple through a mutual interest, and my husband and I became friends with them. I was blown away to discover that they were very conservative, named their dog Reagan, owned guns, and hate Obama. We are liberal, of course. They live in another rural town in the foothills and have their "compound" up there. They are real man-haters.

One has a daughter but says she knew she was gay by 5 years old. Was married. Apparently she has been raped. The other had been assaulted by a bunch of men, had her teeth knocked out and jaw broken. Truly horrible stuff they have experienced. I could understand their man-hating tendencies.

They live with such paranoia and fear. Each would be willing to blow a man away with a gun should he come on their land uninvited, kid you not. They have dogs that they want to be as vicious as possible - more bite the better - to protect them.

I made friends with a man, J, who comes to take old wood from our property and I am home alone all the time with him out there working, and I have never felt at risk with him. We've gotten to know him pretty well, and he is a pretty tolerant, easy-going fellow. He wanted to hunt hogs, and my L friends were having a wild hog problem on their land so I hooked them up. I explained to him that they were lesbians and very sensitive about it, and he said he had no problem with that at all, and that he'd try to be courteous and conscientious with them (which he has always been with us). He went there and attempted to get the problem hog.

Meanwhile, we had to go on vacation and we hire one of the girls to petsit. She brings a handgun with her. While we were gone, J called to ask if he could come for another load of wood. I told him we were out of state. He asked if we had a petsitter, and I said yes, one of the girls. He said to let her know that he'd be passing through town, Costco, etc. and if she needed anything he'd be happy to pick stuff up. I let her know and was blown away by her reaction. She said she felt very vulnerable now that he knew she was there alone and that her partner was alone at home. I tried to explain why I thought he was a good, safe person but she wouldn't have any of it. I explained that I have been there alone numerous times, a woman alone with the man coming on our property and felt safe. She said it's different being a lesbian. I'm assuming she meant that just because one is a lesbian that men feel even more inclined to attack them?

Later they told me they sent him away, asked him not to come back to their place to hunt. One told me that he looked at one of them, looked at the other, and then they could see the "lightbulb" go on over his head. If she thought it was dawning on him that they were lesbians, well, he already knew because I told him!

I had another experience like that with a female friend of mine going to their house, where they thought there was something odd about her when I had already vouched for this friend as being a cool, tolerant person, and indeed she is.

I feel insulted, actually, that they wouldn't trust my assessment of what I felt were good people. Help me understand. I truly am tolerant of gays and other races.

 

What does being tolerant have anything to do with anything here. For whatever reason they do not like men and are scared of them. Nothing to understand.

 

Well, you know how it is. Some experiences, such as those you describe as having happened to those women have made them hard as steel. I don't really see any percentage in trying to analyze them or change them much. "They live with paranoia and fear." So it goes. I guess just understand their limits/rules and let it go at that.

 

Atypical rather than typical, I believe.

Forget them being lesbian, are they a typical couple??

- Not really.

most gay people/couples are far more mainstream "normal."