Straight crush..? What to do?

Hi, I met this girl very recently. She is new co worker of mine.

I assume, she is older than me by roughly 8years. Anyway, she caught my eye instantly. Smart, polite, serious, focused on job. Looks wise-she is not model but I do not care. For me, she is 10/10 and I just want to be around her.

Now, due to life circumstances job takes priority. I can't mess up employment for potentially silly crush/her being straight. How do I well, act/behave now? Do I verify in some subtle ways her life status/orientation? Do I keep silent? Or do I just behave professionally, do job but be bold and try to establish genuine friendship? Try to establish eye contact? I haven't felt this way for long time,and the idea, of genuinely liking someone and desire to be involved gets to me. I mean, I just want to hear her voice and be next to her. Her voice does something to my brain. Like instant happiness. I also know, it may end up with me being badly heartbroken if she plays for other team.

Do I tiptoe? Or Play it very bold-not ask her out but ask her which team she plays for, and promise it will not affect us job wise whatever answer is. I so do not want to make things awkward for either of us, but last time, I haven't been able to decide about right question(and she was into girls) I lost big time. I lost and there was unsaid regret for both of us as she moved on with life soon. She tried to act like there wasn't regrets but her actions said otherwise. I carry her picture in my wallet till today and years have passed. This new girl, is first in years.

Shall I wait and give it time? My gut feeling tells me she is straight. But, I am just so tired of being lonely. I tried meeting up in queer/lesbian groups and haven't been able to meet up right person. How do ppl meet their soulmates? I do not have high expectations. I just want someone to be loyal, choose me in a way ppl in relationship should, share life&its cost with me. Watch movie, cook dinner, be together. Respect and care. Why is it so hard?

 

Oh, an in case if you wonder how it is. I feel awkward around her bcuz I am so attracted to her&I can't establish if this awkwardness is visible.Other co workers can touch me by accident-I do not care as long as its not excessive(like harassment). But her-I avoid. I am just scared what accidental physical contact with her will do to me.

Our job is physical and requires working together. I do not want it to be/become obvious, I avoid her but not others. I do not want her thinking, I avoid her bcuz she does something wrong, where I am so stupidly attracted to her.

 

What do I do about touch aspect? Do I just let/allow/even seek for me&her touch each other(like, not in creepy but job way) to get over with it? I am so badly attracted to her, the idea of her touching me-Is that my body will go into this kind of shock. I mean, where hormones will take over and there will be instant surge of whatever hormon is released into brain and I will be instantly, visibly over excited. This is what happened in past and I do not want to give myself away in such obvious way

 

And by touch, I do not mean here like fully blown contact, hug or with hand, or grabbing her on purpose as consent/body respect/boundaries matter, but literally even arm to arm. I am so awkward. And I mean, this feeling had hit me unexpectedly. If you were to ask me 4weeks ago-falling in love/crushing was last position on to do list

 

I am like, generally not keen about ppl touching me. Some ppl touch me, I feel like I could slap them if is excessive, repeated, unnecessary full grab or touch. 99% of time and 99% of ppl-I do not wish hug, contact or touch. But then there is this 1% of ppl in life that makes us feel unreasonably safe. Where I am ok to be touched. And well, the way my heart beats a bit more when I see her, I guess she became one of 1%.

But again, she may feel towards me the way I feel towards some ppl. Life is so complicated.

 

But I think most important in this case,will be being bold, genuine feelings I feel and confidence to do right thing. I think majority of ppl can subconsciously sense bullsh*t/not genuine or good intentions and dishonesty.

I think this is why some ppl when they hug you,they like almost avoid you. I think if it was genuine,they wouldn't hold back. Bcuz that would be declaration. Holding back means avoidance, lack of commitment, pretending.

I do not want do this to her. Fooling/deceiving, going around. I want her to know,the sooner, the better. As I have been attracted to co worker before(once, not directly, big place) and here, is directly, small place, I really need to think. Think how not to screw up my life, her life and emotions of both of us

 

You just saved me typing almost exactly the same.
That is always the best method, regardless of gender or orientation.

Some people do not seem to understand what the word 'private' in private life means.
In the theatre people took less notice, but employers in other businesses are less forgiving.

 

Yeah, but I do not know exactly where you live, I though I lived in big city too with anonymity. And it sort of worked till coronavirus hit and ppl started to do everything locally, live locally, work less, neighbor harassment began and overall mentality has shifted. Where before it was cold hearted survival, income making, not focusing on others, to save for myself, suddenly everybody-society- began to behave like they are friends of yours where they are NOT. At same time, would you consider it reasonable to call Police for every person who suddenly utilised some entitlement to your time/bother you in street? I struggle to assert myself strongly and tell ppl to fuck off even where I sense not genuine intentions.

I just realized, if evolved to that, as well may be saying things myself? Or put them off with something? Like repeated saying I have no money, bad looking, crying and overall trying to be not friendly material.

Although I realized some ppl may need little help to get out of our lives. Harassment after all is prosecutable crime. I just plan to hold private what I have for this woman, until right moment comes. Any friendship/out of hours activity will have alert HR. She is first one in years to make me feel something, bring smile to my face where things are not good(severe understatement), and where I lost all hope in life&that I will ever love someone again. For now, is major crush. I want it to be more.

As for anonymity, is easy if you are able to move often and change job often. Then you can have it. For reasons I do not wish to disclose(including financial), I am stuck a bit to same place as of now. As I have been for past few years. I do not see opportunity of changing that soon.

 

And life was not always that. Life used to be not only better, but way more anonymous. Now, it feels almost creep like. I am currently on re watch of Dexter and the way, he thought he was moving up, part of community etc evolved to dangerous level of him being harassed by neighbours, fake co workers and sure as heck I am not allowing that. Dose of reasonable things to say about myself not to become like a life fraud, I can do. But ppl intruding my finances, attempting to prey on me or destroy my romantic life-I will not be having that.

Dexter was what he was but he was too nice. He never pressed legal charges. He dealt with things himself bcuz of his sick nature or let ppl be if they were innocent. I will not be nice. Someone tries to ruin my life further, I will take legal action. Sure as heck.

 

If you start to express your feelings towards a person too soon, one of two things will happen.

Either you will scare them and they will run for the hills, possibly leading to repercussion if you try it in the work environment.

Or they will respond, and you become just another notch on their bedpost and that's that.

An early and entirely sexually motivated approach will hardly ever end up well for you.

I have posted more than once on here, that friendship can develop into love, but the reverse in rarely true.
Just make friends and be ENTIRELY yourself, then see how the tide flows.
It will take some time to find the right person, but you will retain the friendships that you have made along the way. Then when you feeling lonely of down, you will always have someone for a chat or a coffee.

 

So, there is development in case: she has a child(but old enough, that It could be ok), no wedding band, and nobody collects her from work. All points to her being single.

What is my next possible move? Just looking for ideas in open discussion way. I am dying to ask her out.

 

IMO, you are too insecure to consider dating anyone at the present time. You need to find out WHO you are before you would be a decent partner in a relationship. What do you deserve? What would she deserve? Sorry if this is harsh, but you will be better off ( as will she) if you just do your job and wait until YOU know what to do instead of asking others.

 

Is not harsh. You are absolutely right. Believe it or not, I have been deep in notebook for past 3h and I will continue for couple next, bcuz I am trying tody up myself mentally.

Its just, past few years were bad. Like really bad. I fell victim to therapeutic abuse, had been defrauded by 'friends', some ppl who claimed friendship dumped me at my lowest, professional ppl who promised help failed in delivery.

I have my family to vent, to help but they love in another country. Being lonely is very hard. I got some new friends in last couple of months, but where I live you got to work to just stay afloat. Not much time for any meet up/friendship.

Yeah. I agree with all you said, and believe me, my notebook scribbling is very closely associated with that woman. I do not want to intrude her life&then leave/be undecided. I read recently lifestyle article about guy, who got in relationship, produced child, but then 'decided' he wasn't ready to be father. Left girl. Later realized mistake but was too late. She is gone and child wants nothing to do with him

So here, I have jist one shot to get it right. I will be seeing psychiatrist shortly, especially to get certain diagnosis(will pm you-nothing scary). It may help clear picture of what I want. Be honest with you, I know what I want and I know who I am. But, like I said, and is complex story which I will pm you, I have been victim of therapeutic abuse and I still live with effects/CPTSD. I know, I am not even best material to date bcuz of how traumatized I am.

Just,after last time, where I failed to ask right question due to fear(and it was not even my own fear), it was something 'friend'(gaslighting, abusive, mean person) said to me, I can't lose again without being bold.

I can accept NO. I can accept 'I am not ready/not interested/I like guys. What I can't accept is letting her go without taking my chances.

 

I wish you well, dear. Your life sounds complicated and I am sorry to hear that. I hope the psychiatrist can help put you on a more stabilized life path. Get yourself RID of abusive people in your life---they can only do you harm.

 

invite her out for drinks and see what she’s like…… you never know!

 

Thanks fkr all you said. Is funny, how internet stranger, can ne kinder, more helpful and understanding than ppl next to me/professionals. Kudos to you

 

As for insecurity aspect-I am insecure. Looks wise due to massive weight gain due to abuse by medication.

I mean, even my kitchen cupboards/bathroom shelf/cosmetics are mess. Things got bad. I will not give up on her though. I have to pull my sh*t together. Life repeats itself only once. I do not want love my whole life woth regrets. I want to love and live!! I got amazing book to read-about consent and first time, and I will happily chow it down before making any move. I am not going to recommend it as is not available in English(just checked).

 

I receive friendly hug from my crush today. It brought a lot of feelings but it was the best, safest feeling I have in ages. I wish I hold onto that longer. I wanted to but then I wished to give her space and respect.