state your clinical disorders!

It seems more people take the easy road to nowhere.. not plundging into the human experience. Maybe their envorment has a huge factor.
One might not seek meditation and spiritual understanding of whats going on with their being. We all have been given paths to follow, not etched in stone. But while their is free will. There is a saying: you can pick your nose, but you cant pick your family. You was born directly into some form of habit :a habit of your parents and the world around you design. As a baby you could not decide juice or milk for the longest time. If you had never been given juice ,. Then you have no choice. There is NO WILL to change. This is given direction..

Further in life, your parents place you on the football team. maybe you like it. But again, How many options and choices did you have?..

You decide to break out of the football cleats and play golf. Your parents WANT YOU to play football. You lose, finally given the time to decide what you can be for yourself. Its then to late. You have been wearing the football gear for so long it has screwed up your posture, you have had an injury and your wrist isnt the same.
You now can play golf cause its your choice, but you can not. Due to the environmental factors of the past.

You want to play golf. It was your dream but each time you try now, your wrist hurts really bad. You become angry and depressed. Dwelling on the past. Shifting blame..

The childish thing to do is smash your parents car windows with football gear. Youre not a football star, youre not a golf pro. But whos fault is it?. Its not your fault..

When I look back on my life. Like someone ignornatly mentioned earlier It was my choice to join the military...
Was is really ?.. Was it really?? Really now, No really?>,..

I went to a caffolick school, plenty of abuse there.. no schooling, transferred to a public school. Since I was fighting often with grown people because my neighborhood was that fucked up. Going to a public school I was just dropping people on their ass the first day on the bus. Great system there was then, same system in place today.. gangs pick on mentally challenged kids, you kick someones ass. you get suspended the gangs dont.. Lovely..

High school, the same old thing with the middle school. While cutting wasnt a problem at all. They tried to come after my parents. So I went to school with a balisong. Wasnt back but a few days, someone wanted to knock me over like they was playing football ^lol. So I chased him to his bus and punctured all the tires, nobody was leaving til I gut this kid. Langley high school doOd.. They called the police and I just laughed at them when they came to the house. Its cool that bigger kid can knock me down, board his bus and nothing comes of it. They let me come back to school. When a black bitch principal harassed me over pencil drawings of nudes. She attempted to call my house, I pulled her phone out and tossed it out the window. Threatened to kill her she bothered my parents over some pencil drawings I did in art.
like omg the kid is an artist.. Fuck that!!!

Finally I went to even more exclusive school. Only 10 student. I guess they call it the academy today, but by this time Im old enough to join the army reserves. There I entered a delay entry program, rotc sytle ged schooling, trade school.. 1/2 of which the army does not supply drop outs with today. Maybe..

My decisions were not only my own, but fully embedded with environmental factors. Out my own control.

I have to admit some those decisions were better for me.
16yr old working at mcdonalds making shit, I think I lasted a month, 2 yrs later I was working in a data center pulling hard wire to mainframe computers making more money than I could spend..

So thanks to those bitches in grade and high school. I have the job I have today, practically not working at all. Ive been around the world. Seen things that would make anyone quiver, and puke. Dead people - weird cause I follow the grateful dead.. Nothing like seeing a dead insurgent though. Ive seen some the most beautiful places in the Middle east too.


Since Iraq, I might go several days without sleep... lol. Dont you know this by now.. When I do sleep, its very little..

I was in Iraq for so long that all of my neighbors thought I moved away.. I came home whit what docs call (PTSD) due to an Ied attack in 04.. So thats what they say.. It wasnt pretty, but it was not the end the wolrd and certainly not the end of me..

I volunteered to go to Iraq due to legal trouble my brother had somehow got me involved in, where I assualted sherriffs inside their own courthouse and it was bloody mess,. Sucks to be them undertrained motherfuckers dont it. lol.. how your jaw??

I felt that I was doing something worthwhile and honestly didnt give a fuck about coming back. Regardless I had family and new born son. If i died they would get something. Didnt matter anyways. Soon after the police killed my bother, my Gf with new born vanished. Can you say conspiracy?... I should of just taken my chances with court, but figured the pig judge knew I was in Iraq, they wouldnt persue it.... They didnt. They just murdered my bother and was never accountable for it.. Thru all my shit out like it never even happened.


I stayed in Iraq because I knew that I was good at my job. Even after finding out my brother was dead. They was going to give me leave, I denied it. Not everyone can handle the conditions we suffer and the environment we operate in. It was better I finish what I started. I stayed in Iraq because I adjusted so well to the environment there that I did not want to come home.. honestly..

We become so proficient at operating in combat that we forget how to function effectively in a normal environment.. readjustment counselors call some of these symptoms “survival skills,” behaviors that keep us safe and alive in a combat environment.. Being paranoid and quick to react to movement or sound, and the readiness to use violence are all good things in war. Would take me an ounce of crack cocaine to even get a buzz.. pfft adrenmiline wanna be fags..

I don’t really feel comfortable at home.. Thank you Obama. puff puff..You just make me wanna keep my sidearms ready, My threat tolerance and response to perceived threats is so finely tuned that I felt safer in Iraq than I do buring a joint in my own fucking house. I leave the lights off in my house cause im so used to the darkness and it cut the bills down for growing.. My roomy thinks I am an idiot because I am always running into him in the dark..

In Iraq I had an armored vehicle and body armor, and I carried and operated several weapon systems... Most importantly, we had each others’ backs.. At home, Im not sure, I know my roomy will fight on the streets, not sure he will defend his castle with his life like I will.. If I had a choice, I would still be in Iraq or in Afghanistan.. Wtf did I come back home to? A dead brother, and a missing girlfriend with my son. After 4 yrs being back home the bitch wants to sue me for support, no return adress some fuck of a laywer.. What a joke.. Someone from the VA got me a laywer and I have not heard from them ever again.. Lets think for a moment, you abanodoned me, soon after my bother was killed. And now you want money?.. Fuck you!! I put a round though my skull then you can get all the money you want SSI digging bitvhQ!!


People don’t realize how PTSD affects us. They don’t understand why we are hyper-alert and always looking for threats... They think we are always angry and want to be in a controlled environment.. I have had family members tell me that I should just relax and get myself under control.. I think its them that has no control over their lives. FucknA I left, come back and still the dysfunctioal family they awaly was..

I do not stay in contact with many family and friends.. I don’t like them asking questions, Id prefer if they had internet and could ask all they want, When i get around to it, ill fucking answer.. Like I did with this post. I guess I should feel lucky that I have a family that gives a fuck.. LOL,. HIP FORUM..

This is the first time in my adult life when I am not working full-time.. But I really dont give a fuck. Its sweet though watching the economy get deeper and deeper fucked. I have homes and property worth 190K and cant dump it on the market for 25k. Isnt that sweet, maybe I should just let it lean in taxes so they can get it for free.. I burn them to the ground before that happens..

It is hard to picture myself in the future.. I cannot see far enough ahead to plans, I want to leave here. I have family I have to tend to.. I have no interest in any long-term goals. Why should I?.. I have all I could want, Just a Grow op and Guitar... my Dog.. Fuck the rest this shit.

Just understand that none of us came back the same as when we left..
And Im proud the Units I served with.. atriot:

Ps: if thats not the truth. when can I pick up my crazy check?? lol... request denied.

 

My clinical disorder: I am a fucking meat bag on earth ;-)

 

an interesting article about how environmental factors trigger mental illness in people with a genetic predisposition.

http://ehp03.niehs.nih.gov/article/info:doi/10.1289/ehp.115-a404

 

oh Orison, I also want to say thank you for posting all of that..I've often wondered what your experience in the military was like. A good friend of mine has a pretty bad case of PTSD. Have you ever tried to treat yourself using drugs they are currently researching in conjunction with PTSD..such as mdma, mushrooms, lsd?

 

The link I left pages back is perrty good.. you may need to register to read them.. See I'm a member the nuts..

 

The MDMA therapy for PTSD is in conjunction with other traditional PTSD therapy. This guy is using marijuana and mushroom therapy on his own and can't even talk to his own family, Works Wonders!

 

Im with my family now.. there is a big difference though with this family and other family, as well as friends and work. I can feel like Im screaming at people.. but im really not.. I really dont have much to talk about with my family, I just had a job in the ghetto ..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQVmfYBzlgk"]YouTube - Sgt. Carter Loses His Voice (Frank Sutton)
watch the 2nd one tripping youll lol..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3lndFCu2XQ&NR=1"]YouTube - Gomer Pyle Season 2: Sgt. Carter loses his Voice

 

Orison lays out another dose of reality. Could have been prison or early violent death or other things, I'm sure.

My sense is (and has been) that you're doing pretty well, all things considered. Healing is something many, if not all of us are seeking.

Born to be Healed!

 

well I was just curious because traditional therapy hasn't done shit for my friend with PTSD..he tried to get into a research trial for mdma but applied too late, and I was just wondering if he would be able to get anything out of it if he tried it on his own

 

We have discussed this before Melai. I don't think you can rely on the full potential therapeutic effects from psychedelics without the optimal conditions for that to happen. A beneficial experience can certainly be had if he were to take it on his own, as for specifically working on the PTSD, doubtful and could potentially even exacerbate some symptoms.

I am channeling my positive thoughts and good joo joo to believe that you are an astute enough observer and critical thinker to be posting this as another one of Melai's ironic posts or to simply emphasize the role the enviornment can play which not a person in this thread has doubted.

I checked it out though and even with the bias slant that article has being on the enviornmental health website and all, it nonetheless mentions the genetic component, which I hope you can see is in direct contradiction to some of your initial claims. One thing I found interesting in this article which I nearly brought up in this thread based on some responses, is the definition of 'enviornment.' If I am reading that article correctly, it is claiming manipulating a neurological genotype and pathway and administering drugs is considered 'enviornmental' treatment under their (some scientists) criteria. I won't even try to go there because that is an extremely liberal definition of 'enviornment' and makes it an issue that deserves to be alongside the 'there is no such thing as a mental disorder' claims up for debate in the philosophy section, not the state your clinical disorders thread.

 

He walked down slowly and deliberately, feverish but not conscious of it, entirely absorbed in a new overwhelming sensation of life and strength that surged up suddenly within him. This sensation might be compared to that of a man condemned to death who has suddenly been pardoned. Half-way down the staircase he was overtaken by the priest on his way home; Raskolnikov let him pass, exchanging a silent greeting with him. He was just descending the last steps when he heard rapid footsteps behind him. Someone overtook him; it was Polenka. She was running after him, calling "Wait! wait!"

He turned round. She was at the bottom of the staircase and stopped short a step above him. A dim light came in from the yard. Raskolnikov could distinguish the child's thin but pretty little face, looking at him with a bright childish smile. She had run after him with a message which she was evidently glad to give.

"Tell me, what is your name?...and where do you live?" she said hurriedly in a breathless voice.
He laid both hands on her shoulders and looked at her with a sort of rapture. It was such a joy to him to look at her, he could not have said why.
"Who sent you?"
"Sister Sonia sent me," answered the girl, smiling still more brightly.
"I knew it was sister Sonia sent you."
"Mamma sent me, too...when sister Sonia was sending me, mamma came up, too and said, 'Run fast, Polenka.'"
"Do you love sister Sonia?"
"I love her more than anyone," Polenka answered with a peculiar earnestness, and her smile became graver.
"And will you love me?"
By way of answer he saw the little girl's face approaching him, her full lips naively held out to kiss him. Suddenly her arms as thin as sticks held him tightly, her head rested on his shoulder and the little girl wept softly, pressing her face against him.

"I am sorry for father," she said a moment later, raising her tear-stained face and brushing away the tears with her hands.
"It's nothing but misfortunes now," she added suddenly with that peculiarly sedate air which children try hard to assume when they want to speak like grown-up people.
"Did your father love you?"
"He loved Lida most," she went on very seriously without a smile, exactly like grown-up people, "he loved her because she is little and because she is ill, too. And he always used to bring her presents. But he taught us to read and me grammar and scripture, too," she added with dignity. "And mother never used to say anything, but we knew that she liked it and father knew it, too. And mother wants to teach me French, for it's time my education began."
"And do you know your prayers?"
"Of course we do! We knew them long ago. I say my prayers to myself as I am a big girl now, but Kolya and Lida say them aloud with mother. First they repeat the 'Ave Maria' and then another prayer: 'Lord, forgive and bless our second father.' For our elder father is dead and this is another one, but we do pray for the other as well."
"Polenka, my name is Rodion. Pray sometimes for me, too. 'And Thy servant Rodion,' nothing more."
"I'll pray for you all the rest of my life," the little girl declared hotly, and suddenly smiling again she rushed at him and hugged him warmly once more.

That's my illness, in a nutshell.

 

*OCD
*PTSD
*Generalized Anxiety Disorder
*Panic Attacks
*Bipolar II w/ rapid cycling (up for debate w/ the docs, but probable, or possibly Borderline Personality Disorder, who knows)
*Insomnia
*Paranoia
*Chronic Pain
*Neurological damage to the Temporal Lobe (the latter 2 listed, plus in part the PTSD, resultant from a tragic drunk driving accident; I was not the driver however, & the PTSD existed to a lesser extent previously & was exaserbated by the accident's aftermath)
*ADHD
*multiple drug addictions formed to treat the above (Ritalin, Dilaudid, morphine, Soma, Klonopin, Restoril, Ambien, Donnatal--but that's for G.I. issues... There are other meds too, I just don't take them regularly)
*oh yeah, Social Anxiety & agoraphobia

I'm a handful for sure. I actually truly reintroduced myself to psychedelics after several years away from them to help myself psychotherapeutically & mostly to good ends.

I should mention, though, that due to beaurocratic bullshit & a lying doctor's report, I've been denied my pain meds being refilled again until the specialists can figure out what's wrong--which is likely Neuropathy or something akin to that. I broke my back in 3 places in the wreck & have been in pain ever since)
*last but not least, undiagnosed HPPD (I just know I have it)

 

Ad adendum to my previous post: As a kid I always admired Syd Barrett & wanted to be just like him, that is until for a brief period I DID end up like him.

Oh well, we make our beds & we sleep in them... Or in my case, sometimes sleep in mine what with the bad insomnia & all.

 

^ intense discussion..

I guess, clinically you could still diagnose me with bulimia.. but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be.. meh

 

It's as absurd to think there's one cause, or course of treatment for mental illness, as it is to think there's only one cause, or course of treatment for physical diseases.

 

I have severe bipolar disorder with psychosis. It completely cripples me most of the time, but i can try to be optimistic and try to enjoy the times when my brain is Not being tortured. I am unable to work in a meaningful fashion despite being intelligent (was in a very good mathematics graduate program) and persistent (I try to keep getting jobs and see if I make it).

I take medication to the gills, as well as weekly talk therapy. It helps as much as it can, but my disorder really seems to be more biological than environmental. You really can't 'stop' hearing things that aren't there, but are taunting and teasing with you like they portray being 'haunted' on tv.

 

.. I think we are all just nuts.. :love: