One day two sperm were swimming vigorously and one sperm asks the other: "How much further do we have until we reach the egg?" The other sperm replies: "I dunno, but I think we just passed the tonsils!!" ******************* And what about the pregnant woman who asks her doctor if it's true, that the babies come out where the sperm went in. After the doctor says "yes", she rubs her throat and fearfully asks the doc: "Isn't this too tight?". *********************** A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar open!" ********************* A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door. "Take one of the bottles and drink it!". "But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously. "Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband....... "Not that difficult is it?" he says. *************************** A man walks into a sperm bank and declares "I'm of royal blood and have an IQ of 165, and I would like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, so the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" The man answers: "I'm so embarrassed. I tried using my right hand, I tried using my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?" The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute ..." She then gets on her knees and begins to give him a blow job. Looking down, the man says: "I really appreciate this, but I just needed help getting the cap off the jar." ****************************** A man walks into a bar and orders 7 shots of tequila. He downs them all one after the other. Bartender: Holy shit man, what happened to you? Man: I'm celebrating my first blowjob. Bartender: Well, if that's the case, have a drink on the house. Man: Well, if 7 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt 8 will. ************************** A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when Saint Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Sandra, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it." ********************************* A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon. To make his point, four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - alive and well. So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?" A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms." ********************* A woman was pregnant again and trying to explain to her little girl how it happened. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took and egg and a sperm. How Daddy made the spem, and Mommy made the egg. The little girl asks, "So if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there. Does Mommy swallow it?". "She does if she wants a new car." ******************* A new intern and doctor are walking past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating non-stop. The intern asks the doctor why was the man doing such a thing out in the open? The doctor replies, "Oh, he has a medical condition where the sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode.". They walk past another room where a man is lying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse. Again he asks the doctor, "What's up with that?". The doctor says, "Same condition, better medical plan." ********************** The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl. She was reciting her confession, and it was all too much for him. He told her to come with him to his room. There, he place his arm around her. "Did the young man do this to you?" he asked. "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied. "Hmm," said the priest. He kissed her. "Did he do this?" "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said. "Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he lifted her skirt and fingered her bush. "Yes, Father, and worse." By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused. He pulled the girl down onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he asked, "Did he manage to do this?" "Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl. When the priest had finished with the girl, he asked,"He did this too, and worse? My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?" "Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me gonorrhea." ************************ One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents' room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the bed and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the bed and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!' Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?!' **********************
Wow, what a collection, haha! Wanna add these: * What did one gay sperm say to the other? How do we get out of this shit? - from Jokes4all * "Why make a baby when you can fake a baby?!" - from FakeaBaby *Q: Why are men like sperm cells? A: Only one out of a million is useful. - from samesexprocreation
