Someone Tell Me What I'm Supposed To Say To This

First off, I have to say I love this girl. There's certain important things I need for a relationship to work that aren't common traits to find in a woman. I won't get into a list of things I love about her, just take that into consideration here.

Soo we've been officially dating for only 3.5-4 months (no, one night I didn't ask her to be my girlfriend). It hasn't been that long, but yeah I love her. We argue more than we should, especially given the time span here. Well I asked for 2 nights a week to myself so I can play video games or watch movies I know she won't like. Or maybe hang out with friends. She did not like this at all. All we did is text argue on the days I was supposed to be able to go do my own thing, so yeah that blew up in my face nicely. Anyway, here's how our text argument went, you could say maybe this is out of context but I assure you it is not. What it looks like is exactly what it is. It's about me wanting a day or 2 a week to be by myself.

Her:
You said you need time away from me so you can do your own thing. I never get mad. I get sad you need time away from me instead of spending time with me, like I want to give you all my time and attention.

This is why you set these days away from me is it not?

Me:
Because I can't give you my full attention or accept your full attention all the time? Yes..

Is that what you want? To spend all your time with me and give me your full attention?

Her:
Yeah but it's too much for you.

Even though you're supposed to love me. I'm in love with you. I don't just love you. You love me like you can love a friend. I'm in love with you. I don't just love you like I love my dog. When you're in love you don't want such different things from each other.

Me:
And you're constantly going to feel like I don't want this relationship as much as you because I'm "not on the same level" ?

Her:
Well am I right? You're not on the same level as me?



So, I didn't reply to that because IT'S A TRAP.. But what do I say to that? Is there any option here other than get out while I still can? I love her and love a lot of things about her.. And I understand, sort of, maybe out there there's someone that likes to go all out into a relationship and lose their free time and every single friend they have.. Not me though. So what are my options here? What can I say, sensitively? I'm not wrong here right? I'm not crazy and not know what love is right? She's way way way too needy? AND this sucks because tomorrow is my birthday haha, sigh.

 

My thinking is that if two people are truly in love, they are in each other's soul no matter what is going on or what each is doing near or far......but I am an idealist romantic, anyway....
It should just feel right for both of you, without questioning it.

 

Stage 5 clinger.

I don't believe any couple should be together 24/7. That's not healthy. Everyone needs their own time and I dont think thats wrong of you to ask for that. Doesnt she have friends she wants to spend time with? Invite her over on "your days" and let her sit there and watch you play video games. She'll get really bored and want to go do something on her own. Tell her those are your plans for the day and she's welcome to come and watch you do what you do. She needs to realize its not about needing to be away from her. It's about having some time to do what you want to do. She should have that time for herself also.

It sounds like she is needing to hear that you are IN LOVE with her. Not just love her. Only tell her the truth. Dont tell her you are in love with her if you're not. Relationships aren't a competition to see who loves each other more. It's about making each other happy. If you are only 4 months into it and fight a lot you have to think about things and figure out if she makes you happy or unhappy most of the time.

 

idk bro, some women will argue with the wall if there was no one else to argue with.

is that the only thing that she likes to argue about? she says you're not on the same level as she is, but it's normal to want to be with someone all the time at first but i dont think its actually healthy to be with someone 100% of every second of every day. that will lead to problems and arguing on its own.

seems like she may be the type that would always start arguments that you can't win, or can't even agree on no matter what you say either way. this chick could be manipulative and controlling, you'll know for sure in a few more months probably but then it will be real tough to get out of that situation or deal with.

if you're recognizing this now (which I think you are) then you already know where this will probably lead to. you say you love her, so you're already in that situation where its gonna be tough to get out of :/

you should probably set some clear boundaries, and if those won't work in the relationship really the only thing that can be done is to end it while the costs are lower.

 

Moonglow.. Ideally, yes. But I have to think realistically that an argument can arise from this and sometimes love has to be fought for to show it's true strength?

Rubysoho, That's almost exactly what I said to her. I've let her come over and watch my dick around playing video games and she does get bored. Problem is she doesn't get bored and want to go do her own thing she complains haha. And I'm not a doormat by any means but I do feel for her when she's stuck there and I say fine and ask her what she wants to do. Mind you I get I don't know or I don't care as an answer... Anything but what I was already doing basically. I am in love with her, and I told her she has a difference in definition made up in her head between love and in love. I told her I totally understand what she means, I've told her before I am in love with her, but come on am I supposed to say 'goodbye I'm in love with you' every time I drop her off at her house? Thing is she makes me happy a lot, and potentially could a ton, but she does make me feel unhappy because there's always something she wants to argue about. This morning she went to bed with me happy, we woke up and she was sad. Out of my control I think.

And Ace, I have a strong feeling of where it is going. It seems like she is the type to argue constantly, and I've already noticed her attempts at manipulation. I've been in that kind of relationship before so I've gotten real good at seeing manipulation through passive aggressive attacks. For example, now she is saying "Fine I won't put all my eggs in one basket with you, I won't depend on you, I won't ask you to hang out all the time..." and so on and so on. I'm not sure if I'm in a situation where it's tougher to break up or tougher to see that it is inevitable. But I'm also not totally sure if it can be salvaged and repaired. The more she texts me today, the worse it's getting because she's saying things like "You'll get whatever you want" type of shit. We all know that means 2 days of space and smiles and then back in full force again. I don't want to date a robot or a slave and she basically says too bad.

 

Well, I am not a clinger.....can't be.... although, I do depend on certain people for certain things.

so....I have no advice for you....do as your heart, mind and soul tell you to......and wishing you the best outcomes always.,

 

Thanks, trying to figure it out. Some people can call her a clinger or crazy whatever. I could end it, but I'm also wondering if maybe she is depressed. Like not medically depressed, like how we all get sometimes. She moved to this city a year ago, had a falling out with the friends she has met here, hates her job. I'm trying to talk to her about that but she's the kind of woman that will rip my head off if I say her brain is messed up haha. Ugggh, relationships.

 

yeah, she's fucking crazy.

get that birthday sex tomorrow, then get out before she cuts your balls off in your sleep.

 

Spending every second with someone is draining, you definitely need your own space- doesn't mean you don't love her. IMO It's not like she doesn't trust you or seems concerned about what you're REALLY doing with your spare time, she just wants to control you it seems. Like GeekyWhiteBoy said, she is a bit manipulative. To argue so much so soon is also not a good sign- sorry! What do you normally argue about? Is it just spending time or is it any little thing seems to cause a row? It's a toughie cos you do care for her, but she seems a bit obsessed with getting a reaction out of you and unfortunately that won't change.

 

Whats a typewriter?

 

She sounds insecure. When my exwife and I got married she acted like "Oh well....that's that. No more hanging out with friends for you" She was wrong and I simply said I was hanging out with my friends (who she hated for no reason) one night a week. She didn't approve. Her family thought that wasn't the way married couples act. I argued with her damn near every time I was going to go hang with friends. But I went just about every damn week. Come to find out later that she was one of those people who doesn't trust her BF/husband/whatever because she was the one fucking around so she assumed me doing my own thing must be me creating my own opportunity. Not saying that the deal here but it does sound like insecurity.

 

hey chicago i read your text messages and i thought to myself, this is not a binding contract, so it doesnt matter what you say. shes not going to print it and pull it out whenever she feels that you messed up.

so fuck her text and dont say shit. either way what we say and text rarely is congruent with what we are thinking in our heads. your thinking you love this girl, so just act like it and i guarantee that she will fall in line.

 

Text her in two days and ask her if she wants to hang out. If she brings up you needing space, simply tell her "It is healthy for us to have our own space once in a while. It doesn't mean I don't love you." and leave it at that.

Co-dependancy is not sexy, nor is it very healthy. Good luck.