someone help me get over this

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by CUtheRE, May 9, 2004.

  1. CUtheRE

    CUtheRE Member

    ok i'll just get right to it. first off im a guy, i've been in a relationship with this girl for about 2 years. it was always rocky, on and off, yadda yadda yadda... so this past friday we had another break up. this relationship was abusive. she'd always hit me, throw shit at me, spit at me, threaten me with knives, threaten me with saying she'll destroy my pocessions, etc. i've never laid a hand on her that way and usually this happens only when the arguments turn to screaming. so i ask her why she does this, and she says it's because i dont comfort her when she cries. she then and goes on and says that she will do that every time i "scream" at her and feels she has every right to. now obviously i know i have issues so that's not what im looking for. but i want to know how the hell do i move on? im sick and tired of this shit but it's just so hard for me to let go. another dumb move i did was neglect my friends so i can give her all of my attention. if i didnt she'd think i was cheating or that i dont love her enough. so stupid ass me chose her. what should i do folks?
     
  2. i think you should break up with her... yeah i probly sound real stupid. and to get though that, remember what made you happy before you had her, your friends, flowers, family, cry alot. im sure youll find someone to be with that doesnt abuse you....
     
  3. ZePpeLinA

    ZePpeLinA Jump around!

    CUtheRE, I think you already know the answer to this. First of all, answer this question...ARE YOU HAPPY WITH HER? Is that girl fulfulling your needs and loving you each day? She's got really serious issues, I can't understand how you put up with so much shit from her, it must be love.
    But love is something that is shared by two people. she's not loving you, she's using you, she's making you miserable.

    She needs to deal with her aggressiveness, she's probably depressed or something.

    I'd break up with her but remain friends. if you think she deservbes it and your love for her makes you forgive what she's done to you.

    If you feel like that, get her to find help, there's definetely something wrong with her, according to your post.

    so, do yourself a favour and let your heart be free. someone more deserving of your love will always come along if you are patient.
    Much luck to you!
     
  4. LotusIndia

    LotusIndia Member

    Hi Cuthre,

    Clearly, she has some issues she has not been dealing with and needs to get help. But you can't fix anyone outside of you. Have you asked yourself why you stayed with a girl who emotionally and physically hurts you?

    You also need to at least consider what she is telling you, especially since it is in answer to your confusion over why she does this: "so i ask her why she does this, and she says it's because i dont comfort her when she cries." Her solution to get you to do this is not healthy, but the issue again is you. It is a common problem with men that they 'turn off' when a woman starts to cry or feel really bad. You may want to ask yourself you are more likely to shut down and become emotionally absent when she needs you the most?

    Again, this is no excuse for her bad behavior and it does NOT give her the 'right' to react in the harmful ways that she claims it does. That's an excuse for her to abuse.

    But her explanation over what pushes her buttons (lack of emotional support or connection) is something you may want to consider looking into.

    Tho I dont know enough about the situation and could be totally wrong. :)

    Lotus
     
  5. luvndrumn

    luvndrumn Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Your situation sounds EXACTLY like the situation of a good friend. His wife has a disorder (I can't remember what it's called) that has her displaying the same behavior as your partner. Extremely possessive, aggressive, manipulative of feelings and fears, very good about twisting innocent situations and making them your fault.


    Leave. Now.


    If you have issues (did she plant that thought in your head or do you really have issues?), fix them on your own. You won't be able to do it if you are with her; she won't let you.

    The truly sad thing about my friend's wife (soon to be ex) is that there is no cure, no treatment, no medication. She is that way and will be for the rest of her life. I do so hope the same isn't true for your partner.
     
  6. mariecstasy

    mariecstasy Enchanted

    how do you move on?
    you just know that there are brighter days ahead and you feel the pain of now but do not go back to the things that bring you down. she isnt helping you progress in life.....so please dont think about going back. instead work on yourself and enjoy and love thyself. all good things will come back to you
     
  7. LotusIndia

    LotusIndia Member

    luvndrumn,

    I just wanted to clarify that I completely agree with all you have said here. I'm pointing that out cuz some it may appear my previous post does not go in that direction, but I thought it was included. Maybe not as obvious as it should have been. Figuring so many had explained that point of view, I was posting on this other perspective, trying to also stress that we tend to get into abusive relationships for a reason, tend to stay in them for a reason, tend to have trouble leaving for . ... yes, a reason, and guess what? We tend to get into the next relationship that usually is just a new face but the same abuse, for a reason.

    I had no idea I was going to take off on all that. :) Just wanted to point it out but with that done, NO ONE SHOULD STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

    Sometimes there can be exceptions but they almost alwaysunderwent some type of anger management program, relationships skills education, or 'soemthing, ' that changed things. They didn't just 'wish' the abuse away. They DID something about it, which also means they wanted to do something to fix THEMSELVES, and didn't pass the buck saying they had the right to abuse because partner didn't respond the perfect way, or the way they wanted.

    I wouldn't go as far as to say there is no cure for everyone, no treatment for everyone. Truly I am sorry to hear of your friends plight. I just feel its the exception and not the rule. But one thing many have in common is that while there is treatment or help for them, they won't take it. Not much a partner can do then other than take care of themselves.

    Namaste,
    Lotus
     
  8. luvndrumn

    luvndrumn Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Nothing read into that, Lotus, and your direction is yours:) . I think we all have something to bring to the talking table. No one is without value. And I never have any problem with what you say because respect is always present. I find that refreshing and uplifting. Namaste.

    Amen and Amen. My friend was in an abusive relationship and it cost him dearly. There was no bounce in his step, no glow in his face. I saw his psyche wither before me. I really wanted to do harm to this woman. Don't fear; I'm past that, now.

    The statement I made about this came from what I was told a professional said. I have no qualification or experience to make a guess, much less a judgement. I wish the situation was different. I wish there was a cure for her.

    I certainly hope so, Lotus. I wouldn't wish this disorder on anyone, for their sake as well as those who encounter them. It's ugly in the extreme.
     
  9. CUtheRE

    CUtheRE Member

    hmm interesting... is there anyway you can find the name of this disorder or this disease you speak of? i really want to look into this.
     
  10. luvndrumn

    luvndrumn Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    CUtheRE, it is Borderline Personality Disorder. Put the term into Google's Advanced Search Exact Phrase window and you'll get a fair number of links.
     
  11. LotusIndia

    LotusIndia Member

    Thanks luvndrumn,

    I suspected we were on the same page, just wanted to make sure all was ok. :)

    I have been in an abusive relationship before, not now but in the past. This caused me to study it. That way I knew I'd figure out what the heck was going on, as its often very sneaky or hidden or covered, etc. I learned a lot, which is why I wanted to post this other perspective which I did. Because generally, most who stay in abusive relationships when they can get out (the last half of that formula is an important ingredient often ignored!), often are suffereing from some type of problem themselves, or low self esstem, or something inside that tells them its acceptable to stay or be treated like this. Therefore even if they break off that particular relationship, if they dont study up on it on their own or else get some professional help, they very often get into another abusive one.

    But with that out of the way :) I agree with your points in your last two posts. Especially, that no one should stay in an abusive relationship. It freaks me out that this still goes on in this day and age! With all the education and konwledge available now that was not available when I was younger, I dont understand why our young put up with it, tho I know there are reasons, but I just keep hoping they will read up on it, educate themselves, get out and/or avoid such relationships.

    By the way, Borderline Personality Disorder is a difficult one! I dont know if its incurable tho it probably is. I mean to say, there are books on how to cope with such a person, but to be honest, I don't know if I could do it. Even if there is improvement, I dont think all of their problems can be gotten rid of. Maybe tho it depends on how severely effected the individual is.

    Namaste,
    Lotus
     
  12. Little One

    Little One Member

    "another dumb move i did was neglect my friends so i can give her all of my attention. if i didnt she'd think i was cheating or that i dont love her enough. "

    trust is everything my friend.. with out trust ... u've got nothing

    and your girlfriend just sounds like a crazy ass bitch:p
     
  13. CUtheRE

    CUtheRE Member

    i just wanted to say thank you to all who listened and left feedback. i really appreciate it and just to let you know it did help me understand the situation better. to give you an update, coping has been extremely difficult. i seriously try not to call her or speak to her in anyway but it's so hard because i can only think of her. we've been having sex, we even spent sometime with eachother over this passed weekend and you know i'll admit, i might be one of those people who end up falling into another abusive relationship because, sad to say, i get these urges to get back with her. i know that doing all these things with her does not help me much at all, but im so addicted to her that i guess in a way this is my quick fix to deal with the withdrawl. so to sum up this update, it's been going to hell. im trying to be strong guys, i need a prayer badly.
     
  14. like all women,hot one minute,cold the next(why do we bother)
     
  15. LotusIndia

    LotusIndia Member

    Its good that you recognize you may be one to fall into another abusive relationship, but please use this information to pull yourself up by the bootstraps so to speak, and not to surrender to it. Also, its natural to keep thinking of the person you have been with for a while. That doesn't automatically mean you are addicted to her, BUT if in time you can't let go, that would. AND if you are still having sex but do not consider yourself boyfriend and girlfriend, that is a popular misunderstanding. Sex is a very bonding experience, so if thats going on, it will be hard not to think of her or break away. Do you mind if I ask your age? Are you in college yet? If you are into prayer or want a healing, PM me and I'll teach you how you can do this for yourself and become stronger over time.

    Namaste,
    Lotus
     
  16. why are you trying to stay in a relationship with someone that doesn't love you?
     
  17. pointless if you ask me
     
  18. fulmah

    fulmah Chaser of Muses

    I've dated a bpd as well, and my advice is to join the site www.bpdcentral.com which has a support group (it's the message boards) for those who had or have someone with bpd in their lives. You don't even have to participate if you don't want to. Just read what others have gone through. These relationships are hell on earth. I don't know if your gf has bpd or not, but if it looks like she could fit 5 of the 9 criteria that make up an official diagnosis... then the best course (some will argue that it's the only course) you can take to get over her is No Contact. If she has bpd, remaining friends with her will not be an option. I can guarantee this 100%. I used to moderate on bpdcentral, I've read I don't know how many peoples accounts of what they went through and it's almost always the same: a very painful, long and drawn out war. The only way to stop the rollercoaster ride is to get off. Don't take her phone calls, in fact, change your number, don't answer emails, and don't go to the places she knows she might be able to find you at. It sucks to have to take such drastic measures, but believe me, if it looks like she might have bpd, and you want out, it's just about the only way.
     
  19. ReiChieRu

    ReiChieRu Member

    Hey Cuthere, it seems as though your girlfriend doesn't appreciate anything because she's too caught up in being abusive, if the tables were turned and you were doing this to her I think maybe you could see in a clearer way that you're really not in something that's healthy.
     

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