So It's Official...

I have depression. Not situational depression, not recovering from a broken heart, not just sad because of my anxiety. I am officially clinically depressed. I have spent a long time working toward getting better after a real whirlwind of insanity, and now that the dust has finally settled, and I STILL feel like shit no matter how much better things are and no matter how many beautiful opportunities are laid before me, it seems it's time to call it. I'm not ungrateful. I'm not entitled or spoiled. I'm not lazy. I'm depressed. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I need to stop waiting to get better to live my life. This is my life. These are the cards I've been dealt. I need to play them before any more of my life gets away from me, and I feel like I'm wasting so much time...

I had a very emotional meeting with my therapist last night where I basically broke down and said I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm sick of excelling at work and still feeling hollow. I'm sick of looking at my adorable baby kitten, a little black ball of fluff and love named Abigail, and feeling zero joy (though I love her very much and take good care of her). I'm sick of feeling so lonely all the time and blaming people that are just trying to live their lives for moving on without me. I'm sick of laying in bed for days on end dreaming of and planning all of the things I want to do when I'm "better." There is no better. This is it.

My therapist suggested a few coping strategies and then the inevitable medication suggestion came up. I had a bad reaction to Zoloft when I was younger that has left me very wary of ever taking a brain-chemistry-altering drug ever again, but she said there are different classes and we can stay away from SSRIs if I am more comfortable... I thought back to when I lived with a man who was depressed and how those pills fucked with every aspect of our relationship while he was finding a good one. Lamictal ruined sex for him, lithium evened him out so he didn't give a shit about anything... I'm so scared to go down that path... I know he was bipolar, so he technically wasn't on the same things I would be on, but still, I've heard the stories, and after seeing those symptoms firsthand, I just don't want to jump out of the pot and into the fire so to speak... I've wasted so much time and life is so short... I don't want to spend it battling side effects that dull the colors further. I want to be creative and daydream and want to play, not be a zombie. I know that many people live very successfully with medication, but how long did it take to find that perfect cocktail? How many tries, how many years? But nothing ventured, nothing gained, I guess..................

I just wish I could cheat this one time and look in the back of the book for the answer. I don't want to go down this rabbit hole. Do I have to? >_<

 

/me gives FFITD a big but gentle warm hug....

 

Not all meds will give you that "zombie" feel. Sometimes you have to try several before you find the right fit. I suggest you research some meds on your own also. The brain gets diseases just like other organs in the body and needs help sometimes.

Also, just knowing whats going on may help you.

I wish you the best...and happiness.

 

Sometimes a diagnosis is helpful and sometimes it is not.

Medications have changed and so have alternative treatments such as cognitive behaviour therapy and even nutrition and overall health.

Knowing may help you to deal with things in a different light and as far as medications go that is something that you need to explore with your doctor to see if the results may be worth the not so positive side of medications.

Balance is difficult to find and it is important to have multi-faceted treatment for example medications and therapy.

Best wishes and I hope you are starting to feel better soon.

 

Just because this is it (which is true) doesn't mean it/you can't get better

Not that you sound that worse to me. I always thought you sounded very sane, and able to rationalize stuff. And it appeals to me how you make use of this forum. I for one often like taking notice of your thoughts! If you happen to get sad by the idea of how much time you are wasting maybe you are inclined to do too much, or in a too short amount of time/you want it achieved before this or that moment? Just a thought of course (not sure at all)...!

 

I've always considered medication for depression as more of a short term, last result solution to help you get through the motions of life so you can focus your strength on other treatments. Modern treatment of depression still seems a bit misguided to me when medication is commonly approached as a long term solution.

but if you are having trouble functioning in day to day life it might not be a bad idea to try something for a few months.

I am sorry for what you're going through. Depression is no joke. I do really recommend looking into alternative treatment to medication.

 

Exercise helps me. Don't know if it would help you.

 

meditation also

 

I'd say try to find someone who already cares enough about you, who you'd be willing to turn to for support. Someone who would be there unconditionally that you can talk to openly and will be there when you need them.

 

Everything Heat said!

_______________________________________

Meditation cannot be over-rated.

Plus, get it in your head to never forget - how brilliant you are, how you excell at work, how beautiful you are, and that even though this place is "just online" there are real people behind these posts that care about you. I know it is easier said than done, but really you can control your thoughts - even when you're laying in the bed miserable, you can train your thoughts to remember your successes, your talents. It will help get you up, in more ways than literally arising. Sometimes you can feel your mind, yourself, start that downward spiral...before it gets there...start remembering the things that can't be taken from you.

Like Asmo said, (I'm paraphrasing here) - your thoughts are interesting. People want to know how you are here, and we count.

Various vitamins and changing one's nutrition/making sure your diet is healthy for you cannot be over-rated either.

My thoughts and prayers go to you.

 

I've been on antidepressant medications for the last 25 years. Sometimes, I have come off of them, when I think I'm feeling better, only to end up having to go back on them.

It's not sadness. I've been depressed during the best times of my life. I jokingly say that sometimes I think I was born depressed but that may actually be true. It has to be something in my brain chemistry that isn't tweaked just right, naturally.

I see, in hindsight, that I self medicated with alcohol, drugs, and reckless relationships during 15 years of my late teens and my young adult life. Medication is a far less dangerous course than that.

I spoke to my family doctor about always having to return to the medications and she told me something that makes me feel better about taking them.

She told me not to feel bad about them because if you need them, you need them. it's like someone with high blood pressure, or diabetes, having to take medication. There should be no stigma attached and that's how I feel about it now. It's a matter of fact just like me having brown eyes is.

 

Yep...the brain is an organ just like the heart, pancreas. I agree....the stigma about these drugs is not good.

 

I think the negative stigma behind anti-depressants comes from people's bad experiences with them, and being pressured by their psychiatrist to take and stay on them regardless. I've had bad experiences with anti-depressants though; they used to give me painful migraine headaches whenever I got angry or frustrated. They really aren't for everybody.

 

"HuffPost Live discusses the therapeutic potential of psilocybin, highlighting clinical research into psilocybin-assisted psychotherapy to treat depression, anxiety, and addiction."

http://mapsnews.tumblr.com/post/106108942920/can-magic-mushrooms-treat-depression-huffpost

 

Well just a reminder again

You have been given the official stamp on a condition ....even though no one can work out what causes it

But listen to Aerianne, post #11

 

I know the feeling, talking about mind-altering pharmaceuticals. I'm bi-polar myself and experience rounds of depression a lot. Most of the time my symptoms are manageable, but it gets pretty bad sometimes. After dealing with it for so long though, I've realized that it's like riding a rollercoaster. No matter how depressed I become, I know there's happiness around the corner. Might be more of an extreme 'happiness' sometimes, but all things must pass.

:grouphug: It's not easy, I know. But keep the faith. You'll find a way. I'm sure of it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZ58M1sAaWY

 

Thank you, everyone for responses. There is so much information to wade through on the internet. Talking to other people that have been through this is really the best. I love posting here, good and bad, the responses are always so helpful. Thanks for offering support and ideas. I need them. I don't know what to do... like almost ever, lol... I'm trying to figure it out and sometimes I feel okay and do okay. I've just had a couple straight weeks of blue and it starts to feel like you'll never feel any different...

I am extremely impatient. It's part of having anxiety as well. It makes you care too much about everything, and then depression paralyzes you so you can't do anything. It's really bullshit. Serious bullshit. I'm pretty much perpetually pissed and disappointed with myself, lol. Except on the odd good day...

...I really need to do something else. What I've been doing really hasn't been working. I'm becoming an unhappy, bitter and resentful person and every aspect of my life has been suffering for it. I will take everything said here into consideration. I think I do need to consider some kind of medication. Maybe just a small dose of a very well-trusted and well-tolerated medication to get me started. At least long enough to motivate to get on a routine, get organized, put a plan in motion. I feel like if I could get some momentum up, I'd do much better. Anything to lift the 5-ton weight off of me that saps all of my energy and makes me just want to go to sleep...

 

Thank you. I have had really bad days and lashed out at people close to me. They have been understanding and I have fallen over myself apologizing. It's so embarrassing. I'm generally a practical person, and I don't believe in taking your shit out on other people. I hate when other people do it and I hate when I lose control and do it myself. Rollercoaster is a good analogy. It's exhausting.

PS: Thank you for the cat, lol.

 

Hang on, this thread implies you have been diagnosed with clinical depression.

But there you are just saying, oh, maybe I should think about some medication? ??

Have you been diagnosed with clinical depression by a specialist or not?

 

Yes I have. I still have a choice about going on medication. I'm in therapy and there are alternatives. This is most of my dilemma. Due to bad past experiences with an antidepressant, I am afraid to try others, but as something has to give, I'm thinking it's a risk I need to take.

I don't live near family anymore, and I have one questionable friend in town. If I have a seizure like I did in high school and lose my license for a year, it's going to be hard to get to work and back for a while.

Really fucking hope this works out.